Slightly Overwhelmed

At present, I am overwhelmed. But I am easily overwhelmed, so this is no more surprising than a sunrise. However, unlike the mechanics of our galaxy, my road to overload is not perfectly predictable. Everything seems to hit at once. Like a prism focusing many colored rays of light, the facets of my life unexpectedly arrive together and blind my once alert senses. In short, when it rains, it pours.

Work, business, and money all seem to tighten the same muscles in my back. I am stressed and easily made tense by them. Since high school, I have maintained the responsible practice of planning my career at least five year in advance. I knew where I would be in five years. Unfortunately, I have revised those plans every five years since then. The finish line keeps moving. So, I have given up on predicting my future place in the world. Instead, I just scratch what needs itching and massage those back muscles in steady rhythm. Like the Irish, it seems I will put up with something being wrong for the rest of my life. It all seems difficult, so does it really matter what’s next?

I used to have a girlfriend to massage these muscles for me, until I realized how much she caused those muscles to tense up in the first place. Since my last serious relationship ended, I have only dated sporadically. The bottom line is this: I want a good girlfriend, but I cannot provide for one. I cannot maintain another spiritual life besides my own. Perhaps I am not ready, but I like to think that I just haven’t found the right person yet. Still, the need for companionship remains. And on those lonely nights when no one is around to talk to, I feel myself wanting to listen and connect with another, just one other. It is a sad support to live without.

Lastly, I have been caught up in the discouraging trends in my church. Christian culture has taken such a bad turn. We have far too many demands of each other and far too many rules to live by. There are many mercies that Christians understand to be rights, and as such, they cry out in injustice and outrage when their comfort is violated. The pressure of a call to holiness combined with the intensity of personal emotions (or “passions” as we call them) makes for an outrageous religious cocktail. So, everyone is gullible to guilt. We are overly-sensitive to shame, and that is shameful. The pulpit is open to the squeakiest wheel and the highest emotional bidder. We are drunk and inept because we have swallowed the pain of these vocal individuals and shat out rules for their safety. We have become a community of God’s children who act like children, and that is neither safe nor Biblical. We are love without power, words without meaning, and friends without benefits. We can neither give nor receive well, not even compliments.

So, at present, the things I usually rely upon for great security are all showing me their back side. I know God has control over my work, business and money, but must this be accompanied by so many crushed opportunities and hopes? After so many slammed doors, one begins to think that when “God opens a window instead” it was meant for me to jump out. And at what point did my family of Christian brothers and sisters become one of children looking to each other for parenting? We are the God-given owners of our own choices, feelings, actions, etc. Nobody is responsible for you anymore, especially not me, and not now.

There comes a point when one must say, “I don’t need this,” and simply walk away for a time. I need to recharge and just take care of myself. It is too late to play guitar or call a friend. The bouncer at my local pub has not seen my face tonight, nor is it likely that he will. So, I am forced to just write, and I guess, just write it off.