Let's Reverse Gender Roles for a bit

Now, as you probably well know, I'm not the most social adapt person in the world. Yes, that's a misnomer, because I'm really just socially fucking retarded. I randomly get the urge to punch people in the face in public places, I've thrown wedding guests over my shoulder when they tapped it to say hello, and I slur and stutter my words/thoughts with expressively specific hand gestures while talking on the phone. Those faults being known to you dear readers, let's try to complete a typical male routine involving a request to accompany a girl to food.

First, realize how much preparation it takes to ask a girl, whether they be a platonic friend or a romantic date interest, to food. You need to start by setting aside some time. After work, before you crawl into PJs, some day you need to prepare as the day you're going to ask the girl out for food on a day you're prepared to sacrifice all of your wants/needs. Prepare the preparation. You'll need to remember two things during this time: money and every little thing she might want before/during/after food.

Once you get those two things settled you'll need to call your work and arrange time off. Saving a few hundred dollars for asking a girl out to food is pretty fucking difficult, but trust me, you need to have saved money and time in case she actually says "yes" to your social invitation. Call your friends and tell them you're "busy" with the hope of a positive response from the girl you're asking out. Make reservations at the restaurant in accordance with what you imagine will be a positive social environment for eating food. Be sure the restaurant local is in coordination with the social plans she wants. Make plans for after dinner that are entertaining, social, engaging, adventurous in accordance with attire, and hilariously fun. Don't forget to do laundry and plan your excellent sense of fashion/hygiene ahead of time. Remember to prepare your manners and politeness.

Keep in mind you haven't even asked the girl out yet, but LOL it's no big deal, right????

Since the logistics are now ready, let's prepare your mental/emotional state. I know you've done a lot already; saving hundreds of dollars, cleaning your car/house, clearing your schedule of work/friends, but you've really only just begun. You've already invested so much into making sure she'll have no problems accepting your invitation that you'll probably just now realize she might just say "No thank you" and be done with you. What do you do when you're rejected? What happens to those emotions and investments you made in preparation for her wishes?

If you're a guy reading this you know exactly what happens next, because you have gone through this. If you're a girl reading this, you need to read the title again and figure out exactly how much you need to start going through in order to socialize with guys who don't just want to get their dick wet, because I guarantee no girl has ever gone through the above, especially that last paragraph. Nice guys finish last, ladies, because you won't.

Pretend Playing

"I haven't played with G.I. Joes since I was 8." Those were the words I told to my mother when she asked me why I hadn't played with my latest 13th birthday present. After all, I was now a teenager. One of maturity. An age of landmark and growth growing. The time to pretend, to imagine myself living with abandon through my little toy army men, was long past with my childhood. I was no longer a child so why should anyone expect me to act like one?

Let me tell you about your life, or at least one day of it. When the day comes when you find yourself not play-pretending to be someone else, look around and notice how meaningful and seriously monochromatic everything has become. How long has it been since you were a princess or warrior? The latest movie perhaps? When was the last time you played as a rescuer or someone to be rescued? How many toys meant for pure fiction do you own?

"Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again, there is nothing new under the sun." -King Solomon, 300BC. Supposedly the wisest man who ever lived would describe your search for a life of meaning as fucking retarded. Dolphins play with ships hundreds of times their size. Monkeys play tag. Kittens play hunting. Dogs chase balls. Puppies pounce on each other. Mice run in wheels. And you're too busy/old/mature/responsible to play pretend?

If you pretended to someone else for a day, whoever you wanted to be, no one would blame you. I certainly wouldn't. I pretend to be someone else as much as possible, which isn't nearly often or often enough.

I pretend to be Raiden from Mortal Kombat (yes, the video game) because I would like to be made of lightning. I pretend to be Batman, inventing new tools for my toolbelt by imagining ways to climb telephone poles. I pretend to be a rockstar master guitarist with a husky throbbing voice that enthralls women. I pretend to be an unbeatable hand-to-hand combat personthing. I am a starfighter, Red Five standing by, stay on target! I am a artist of charcoal and clay, so I can sculpt your face from mud and paint it with bits of plants and pedals. I am a rich inventor kidnapped by hostile terrorists, so I invent an iron suit powered by a nuclear reactor that allows me to fly.

I've forgotten what I was supposed to be taking seriously, how about you?

Electricity - A First-world Problem

Yesterday the electricity in San Diego (and all of Southern California) unexpectedly shutoff for about 8 hours. One of my politically-liberal friends on Facebook complained about how they had to preemptively cancel their college class because of "concern for the health of the students." I wrote this is multiple replies:

The GOP policy of "deregulation" and greedy rich white men are responsible for this. or Bush.

I was unfairly forced to read a book for 6 whole hours yesterday while the power was out. My right to online education was denied, even though I paid for it. My right to air conditioning was revoked while the Patriot Act was in effect. I was dehydrated without access to health care. I tried to protest in accordance with my 1st amendment rights, but my college refused to print my signs. Police with guns and tasers stared at me and forced me to light candles and wave lighters to promote peace, justice and prosperity.

My right to study Maslow's hierarchy of needs was denied by corporate interests. Courts have already ruled that I cannot sue SDG&E for violating my personal comfort, causing distress, and forcing a fatal shutdown of thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment. The leftover pizza in my refrigerator spoiled, and I couldn't order replacement pizza online. I'm starving and thirsty. My workout video cut out unexpectedly and I injured myself mid-yoga, but again I cannot sue corporate-ruled-media-energy companies for my life threatening injuries. I fell asleep while reading books causing me to wake up late for important stuff. My vacuum exhaled all of the dust it had picked up today, causing me to breathe toxic fumes.

I was forced to pray to a god I don't believe in because I was so desperately uncomfortable yesterday during the state-run energy blackout, which is a violation of the separation between church and state. I played "Chutes and Ladders" to try to control the panic, but because I fell off a ladder in 3rd grade, I now have PTSD. Again, the government won't pay for my health care, even though they caused my health, without care. I tried to build a fire to produce light in my house and succeeded, but I inhaled too much smoke and the fire department didn't respond because I'm a liberal Democrat. I had to put out the fire on my own, even after I was too warm. My internet shut off without warning, even though the FCC forbids this by law.

My trash wasn't picked up by people I don't know yesterday. Obama was on vacation while the power was out but I'm still unemployed, my washing machine doesn't work, and my cell phone is uncharged. Why doesn't the government care about my job, online education, sanitary clothing conditions, and freedom of speech? Yesterday I could barely drink enough clean water in plastic cups to replace the sweat I used taking a nap on my couch! I'm even in the military damnit! My bong wouldn't light without vodka for fuel/filtration, so the corporation SDG&E prevented by my treatment for the PTSD that they caused. My rechargeable batteries went dead. My microwave popcorn ran out. My frozen vegetables thawed. DID NO ONE SEE THIS COMING? WHY ARE THERE NO LAWS TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING?

 No reply has yet been given. I don't expect one, except maybe an unfriending.

I solemnly swear to you two too tube
That I'm completely full of shit, except for grammar
That I'm not to be taken seriously, with exception
That I hear voices and see things that don't exist, without reference

 I avant-garde my way between sleeps and hunger
My conscience is my biggest fault
My conscience is my greatest failure
My conscience is my least admirable attribute
My conscience will outlive me

The stretchable limits between swears and conscience is clean