Have you ever drank alcoholic beverages in the evening while alone? Under such circumstances, have you ever called, IMed, or texted someone from your past (former ex, friend, roommate, etc) while doing so?
Yeah, thought so, we've all been there. I have.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
May 9, 2010
Today, I fell asleep around 1:30 am. I took my pills and went to bed at 10:30pm the previous day. (When you have no sleeping schedule whatsoever, time is a mere semantic issue) I watched TV shows and movies that I downloaded on my computer until my eyes watered and hurt enough to fall asleep. 1:30am to 7:00am, I slept. 5.5 hrs. That is an awesome amount of unconsciousness for me. No small feat. The six medications I took at 10:30pm made this possible, no doubt in my mind, and I am grateful. I did not, however, sleep well. I experienced everything in my sleep. Three of the six medications I take are meant to prevent me from having/remembering any dreams at all. The other three medications are meant to knock me out. Obviously, they don't completely work. They never have.
Last night I was shot, stabbed, robbed, beaten, raped, blown-up, killed, murdered in my sleep, tortured, and committed suicide. At any moment during my sleep I had three separate and distinct "layers" of dreams/time-lines progressing. I could jump from torture to rape, fights to murder, verbal confrontations to robbing without any hesitation. Any detail from any layer could jump from dream to time-line to dream and form anew. I have learned that my sleeping mind can, at least, hold the full sensory detail of three different lives living simultaneously and "jump" or combine any details of each into another story. Upon my waking, only a few hours after I fall asleep (I've never slept past 3 hrs since '08), I am confronted with the sweat, overwhelming memory, and exhaustion of my sleep.
I have been terrified of falling asleep since November of 2008, when I returned from Afghanistan. I don't know why. Nothing I experienced over there in any way resembles my nightly thoughts or the contents thereof. I honestly do not know where these thoughts are coming from. But, nevertheless, they happen. Every night, every sleep, without fail, guaranteed, they happen. "Over-night delivery: Reality not included."
I awake each and every morning exhausted and sore. I wake up to bruises and scratches on my arms, face, neck, stomach, and legs. I look in the mirror and ask how. I have seen mysterious nightly injuries in the mirror since '08. I haven't looked at myself in a mirror since '09. Ah fuck it, honestly, right now, I am quite minimizing what actually happens. I am too ashamed to admit what I do and what I believe from my dreams. I have gone for days (yes, ACTUALLY FULL PLURAL DAYS) believing I had committed, been committed, or been a victim of these events. Murder, rape, suicide, etc (any and all, victim or perpetrator). I have gone for days believing these things happened. And yes, I have the scars and cuts and scrapes to prove it.
I live in my own house, under my own providership, in one of the most affluent cities in the United States.
Do you honestly believe that you're more insane or abnormal than I?
Last night I was shot, stabbed, robbed, beaten, raped, blown-up, killed, murdered in my sleep, tortured, and committed suicide. At any moment during my sleep I had three separate and distinct "layers" of dreams/time-lines progressing. I could jump from torture to rape, fights to murder, verbal confrontations to robbing without any hesitation. Any detail from any layer could jump from dream to time-line to dream and form anew. I have learned that my sleeping mind can, at least, hold the full sensory detail of three different lives living simultaneously and "jump" or combine any details of each into another story. Upon my waking, only a few hours after I fall asleep (I've never slept past 3 hrs since '08), I am confronted with the sweat, overwhelming memory, and exhaustion of my sleep.
I have been terrified of falling asleep since November of 2008, when I returned from Afghanistan. I don't know why. Nothing I experienced over there in any way resembles my nightly thoughts or the contents thereof. I honestly do not know where these thoughts are coming from. But, nevertheless, they happen. Every night, every sleep, without fail, guaranteed, they happen. "Over-night delivery: Reality not included."
I awake each and every morning exhausted and sore. I wake up to bruises and scratches on my arms, face, neck, stomach, and legs. I look in the mirror and ask how. I have seen mysterious nightly injuries in the mirror since '08. I haven't looked at myself in a mirror since '09. Ah fuck it, honestly, right now, I am quite minimizing what actually happens. I am too ashamed to admit what I do and what I believe from my dreams. I have gone for days (yes, ACTUALLY FULL PLURAL DAYS) believing I had committed, been committed, or been a victim of these events. Murder, rape, suicide, etc (any and all, victim or perpetrator). I have gone for days believing these things happened. And yes, I have the scars and cuts and scrapes to prove it.
I live in my own house, under my own providership, in one of the most affluent cities in the United States.
Do you honestly believe that you're more insane or abnormal than I?
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Kings and Queens
Alexandre Dumas quoted Napoleon in The Count of Monte Cristo as saying, "In life, we are kings or pawns." I see the common sense in this; that is, in life, we are either a master or a slave. For those of you who don't know, Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo is my favorite story of all time (including the book and the movies). I do not hesitate to agree with Dumas in his portrayal of Napoleon's personality/beliefs. Napoleon was a dictator, a military one at that, so it makes sense. In fact, if I could sum up my personal military experience thus far, I would say that "in military life, you are a king or a pawn."
However, (OH the inevitable word in all of my writing) I believe there is a far more accurate summary in such few words for Americans. If Dumas were to write this same story in America today, or even if Napoleon lived in American society today, I'm pretty sure Napoleon's words would be changed to "In life, we are either kings or queens." I am probably projecting. No, I am definitely projecting. In fact, let's just cut to the chase and I'll shorten this ramble slightly from the many essays I've wrote.
If I was forced to stereotype all Americans into two categories, then I would describe them as believing "In life, we are either kings or queens." Pride. Crowns. Self-entitlement higher than a stack of Bibles to Pluto. Perceived inherent rights. Rule. Enforced justice. Forced equality. Dictators believing they're entitled to dictate to all and all who should record such dictation on legal documents presentable to all dictators. If I were forced, a "Kings and Queens" description of all Americans would fit. In fact, it's pretty accurate now.
Think about it. How often have you seen Americans fighting as King vs King (male vs male), King vs Queen (male vs female), Queen vs Queen (female vs female), and Queen vs King (female vs male)? Americans have grown up into and assumed so much freedom and so many rights that most literally believe themselves to be royalty. Entitled. Deserving of "human rights" (which DO NOT EVEN EXIST!!!). Freedom to say anything they wish (including calling anyone anywhere a Nazi, nigger, spick, haji, racist, sexist, charlie, cracker, white trash, fag, dike, bitch, asshole, etc. My God, if God does exist and there is a Heaven afterlife, how fucked will most Americans be when they get there? What if the litmus test for Heaven was simply to say "I am nothing and everyone else is too. I am dirt and so is everyone else. Everything I've done, thought, felt, accomplished, believed, and wanted was all complete bullshit. Fuck everyone and everything, including myself." How many Americans could say that authentically?
Let's face the facts, American Sheeple. You have no rights, at all, ever, period. You did nothing to join this world. You did not earn life. You are not entitled to life. You have no right to life. You can be killed by anyone (including God), anywhere, at any time, without cause. You have no right to happiness. You have no right to pursue happiness. You are not entitled to anything you presently enjoy. You have no right to freedom. You are not free, and you never will be. You cannot say, do, think, or feel anything without direct and severe consequence. You cannot be anything you want to be. You are not a King or a Queen. You are you, just blood and bone, nothing more. Period.
All of the rights that most Americans vehemently believe they're entitled to (that means you!) were "given" to them 200 years ago by a small group of men who wrote up a single page letter addressed to the King of England. Do you honestly think that they intended you in this letter? What the fuck has driven you to such madness that you honestly believe you have inherent rights? What makes you think, besides the fact that you grew up in America, that you deserve such a life of entitlement? No human, anywhere at any time, has any rights whatsoever. As an American, the only possible way you could've inherited it is on the backs and blood of military men. (Yes, and I'm looking at you here American women, I said "men") Violence. Death. Destruction. Unadulterated anti-pacifism. But, even then, no one, not even the few men who wrote out your rights to begin with nor the men who died to fight for them, not even the God of any religion on earth, gives you ANY rights whatsoever. Honestly, if you think a government has the power to give you self-worth by assigning you rights, then you're batshit insane.
And yet, here are the Americans, acting like the Kings or Queens of their domain. High and mighty. Humble and compassionate rulers. Peaceful and loving authorities. Complaining about their lack of satisfaction as ruler of others' and their life, demanding equality and justice for other Kings and Queens, invoking fictional self-proclaimed rights for themselves and others, demanding the respect they think they and others deserve, etc. WTF? You don't even have a right to live, and yet you're demanding to rule?
Sigh. I'm too pissed off to write more. I've been in too many arguments with Americans, Christians, Liberals, American-Christian-Liberals, to explain this shit to them and cut short their self-entitled pride. I didn't even get into the Christian authority side of this shit yet. Oh well. I need a cigarette. I need a drink. I want the last two legal drugs in America.
However, (OH the inevitable word in all of my writing) I believe there is a far more accurate summary in such few words for Americans. If Dumas were to write this same story in America today, or even if Napoleon lived in American society today, I'm pretty sure Napoleon's words would be changed to "In life, we are either kings or queens." I am probably projecting. No, I am definitely projecting. In fact, let's just cut to the chase and I'll shorten this ramble slightly from the many essays I've wrote.
If I was forced to stereotype all Americans into two categories, then I would describe them as believing "In life, we are either kings or queens." Pride. Crowns. Self-entitlement higher than a stack of Bibles to Pluto. Perceived inherent rights. Rule. Enforced justice. Forced equality. Dictators believing they're entitled to dictate to all and all who should record such dictation on legal documents presentable to all dictators. If I were forced, a "Kings and Queens" description of all Americans would fit. In fact, it's pretty accurate now.
Think about it. How often have you seen Americans fighting as King vs King (male vs male), King vs Queen (male vs female), Queen vs Queen (female vs female), and Queen vs King (female vs male)? Americans have grown up into and assumed so much freedom and so many rights that most literally believe themselves to be royalty. Entitled. Deserving of "human rights" (which DO NOT EVEN EXIST!!!). Freedom to say anything they wish (including calling anyone anywhere a Nazi, nigger, spick, haji, racist, sexist, charlie, cracker, white trash, fag, dike, bitch, asshole, etc. My God, if God does exist and there is a Heaven afterlife, how fucked will most Americans be when they get there? What if the litmus test for Heaven was simply to say "I am nothing and everyone else is too. I am dirt and so is everyone else. Everything I've done, thought, felt, accomplished, believed, and wanted was all complete bullshit. Fuck everyone and everything, including myself." How many Americans could say that authentically?
Let's face the facts, American Sheeple. You have no rights, at all, ever, period. You did nothing to join this world. You did not earn life. You are not entitled to life. You have no right to life. You can be killed by anyone (including God), anywhere, at any time, without cause. You have no right to happiness. You have no right to pursue happiness. You are not entitled to anything you presently enjoy. You have no right to freedom. You are not free, and you never will be. You cannot say, do, think, or feel anything without direct and severe consequence. You cannot be anything you want to be. You are not a King or a Queen. You are you, just blood and bone, nothing more. Period.
All of the rights that most Americans vehemently believe they're entitled to (that means you!) were "given" to them 200 years ago by a small group of men who wrote up a single page letter addressed to the King of England. Do you honestly think that they intended you in this letter? What the fuck has driven you to such madness that you honestly believe you have inherent rights? What makes you think, besides the fact that you grew up in America, that you deserve such a life of entitlement? No human, anywhere at any time, has any rights whatsoever. As an American, the only possible way you could've inherited it is on the backs and blood of military men. (Yes, and I'm looking at you here American women, I said "men") Violence. Death. Destruction. Unadulterated anti-pacifism. But, even then, no one, not even the few men who wrote out your rights to begin with nor the men who died to fight for them, not even the God of any religion on earth, gives you ANY rights whatsoever. Honestly, if you think a government has the power to give you self-worth by assigning you rights, then you're batshit insane.
And yet, here are the Americans, acting like the Kings or Queens of their domain. High and mighty. Humble and compassionate rulers. Peaceful and loving authorities. Complaining about their lack of satisfaction as ruler of others' and their life, demanding equality and justice for other Kings and Queens, invoking fictional self-proclaimed rights for themselves and others, demanding the respect they think they and others deserve, etc. WTF? You don't even have a right to live, and yet you're demanding to rule?
Sigh. I'm too pissed off to write more. I've been in too many arguments with Americans, Christians, Liberals, American-Christian-Liberals, to explain this shit to them and cut short their self-entitled pride. I didn't even get into the Christian authority side of this shit yet. Oh well. I need a cigarette. I need a drink. I want the last two legal drugs in America.
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