A Rant About Marriage

Since when did marriage become the jaded reason for every married persons' existence? At what point did marriage excuse people from dealing with their own individual problems? Did the vows, kids, careers, or money change the definition of responsibility? Since when did the practice of using the words 'I love you' to cover up unloving actions become so popular? At what point did the fact that people change become incompatible with marriage vows? Or monogamy? Or spirituality?

Many married people I know are going through issues. No problem, right? We all go through issues. But here is my personal issue: no married person I know thinks an unmarried person can understand or provide insight into their 'marriage' problems. Sorry, but I take that personally. At what point did a marriage cease to be a intimate relationship? I've had my fair share of such relationships, making ridiculous and reprehensible mistakes in each one, such that I learned more about myself and relationships through each one. Just because I did not make any vows, nor did I live with my x-girlfriends, does not make my opinion shallow.

Are you actually suggesting that I cannot see when you're being selfish? Or that your wife is just an egotistical bitch who cares more about her career and self-image than you? Or that your self-worth is wrapped up in him? Do you not see for yourself that he has let you down and that's okay? Do you know what you were expecting from marriage? I've heard that expectations are premeditated regrets, so do you think that's true? I've been in codependent relationships, so can I not recognize codependency? I've been controlled and controlling, so can I not advise on self-control and boundaries?

Let's make one more thing perfectly clear: there is no such thing as a Christian marriage. Marriage is not God-ordained, it is a social institution. It is an agreement between two individuals that actually requires both parties to live out their lives together. A Christian marriage is an invention by the Christian church that requires people to live out their lives and their marriage according to Christian principles. In other words, a donut with frosting is still a donut.

Believe it or not, there really isn't anything spiritual about marriage. Otherwise, every atheist on the planet wouldn't be able to get or stay married. Since when did we over-spiritualize and over-romanticize marriage to be somehow 'above' a personal and practical social relationship? There are forty year old married couples that still fight! Fighting is a part of marriage. Conflict, change, bills, and doing the fucking dishes are a part of marriage. What is so spiritual or romantic about that?

So then, why do we look for spiritual or romantic solutions to marital problems? God is not putting you through trials right now, you're being insecure that your wife isn't interested in you anymore, and you're probably right. God has nothing to do with it. Your three month long engagement and five year marriage did not turn out to be 'what was meant to be'. So no, you're not leaving the One person you were meant to be with. You cannot fix your marriage just because you're supposed to stay married. Very simply, it might have started with a simple mistake that has grown to have enormous personal consequences. Believe me, you're not an abnormality here. I'm single, I know.

Can we please start to be more practical and less romantic/spiritual about marriage? It is quite necessary to do so. Generally, a visit to your local secular therapist will do more for you and your marriage than a Christian counselor or pastor. I would like to see marital problems be worked out in healthy ways such as learning communication, tolerance, personal growth, and even divorce rather than cheating, lying that violates trust, having open marriages, manipulation, and ugly battles for control.

Desiring Truth and Goodness Beyond Doctrine

The following quote is from C.S. Lewis' fictional book The Last Battle. Aslan, the lion, represents God in the book. While Tash (along with others) represents Satan or the Evil One. Emeth, a leopard and follower of Tash, suddenly finds himself in an open field:

"So I went over much grass and many flowers and among all kinds of wholesome and delectable trees till lo! in a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great Lion. The speed of him was like the ostrich, and his size was an elephant's; his hair was like pure gold and the brightness of his eyes like gold that is liquid in the furnace. He was more terrible than the Flaming Mountain of Lagour, and in beauty he surpassed all that is in the world even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.

"Then he breathed upon me and took away the trembling from my limbs and caused me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he said not much, but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in. Then he turned him about in a storm and flurry of gold and was gone suddenly."

I really admire Emeth in this book. I've been thinking about his situation recently. Emeth served a false god. Aslan does not reject him, but accepts his service to Tash as if it was his own. There is a portion of humanity that is often forsaken by Christianity (and other religions as well), that is, the willingness to seek truth and goodness present in all people. No man would willingly trade the knowledge of something true for something that is false. Likewise, no man would willingly, with full conscious knowledge, do something evil for its own sake. Every man can commit to pursuing these things while at the same time belonging to any religion, church, culture, ethnicity, race, country, or people group.

If their commitment to such righteous goals is true, that is, willed by all of themselves, then I know of no other more valuable or noble act, either internal or external, that could be done. I do not believe God would disavow such commitment and service. How could he? Did he not create such a creature who could desire truth and goodness with all of themselves? How then, throughout his life and even at the end, would such desires be tossed aside because of his limited knowledge of all things? What else can we do but strongly desire the knowledge of truth and that which is good, and to be willing to commit to such things? Such is an inherent capability in all of humanity that cannot be ignored, but must be acknowledged and rewarded, even if it is does done with a limited knowledge of Good and Evil. We are limited creatures, whose capability to do good is so great, that such a commitment to do good and seek truth in all of ourselves is to be admired, even by God.