Body Over Mood

I have come to believe in a sort of philosophy that I hate. But whether I like it or not, the effects that certain causes have on my life do so with a sincere indifference to my personal tastes. And for the record, no, I don't like it. I hate it. I hate believing that pushing myself to go through something will make me feel better. This is not a convenient belief. I also hate it because it requires will power, something I very much enjoy jettisoning at nearly every opportunity. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the directly caused effects that my body has on my mind and my feelings exists with sincere regret on my part. My feelings will never change toward this belief, much like my feeling will not change towards pain. It hurts, I hate it. So that's that.

Nevertheless, it is true. My body affects my mind and mood. (I'm sure there exists a scientific explanation for this, but I don't really care for science much). Lately, I have been rather indifferent or depressed. So, I started making some changes. First, I put a big fan in my room and run it on high every night. Every time I get into bed it is breezy and cold, forcing me to use more blankets and wrap them more tightly. I hate the cold, but enjoy the blankets, so I'm happier. I also bought a shit load of scented candles, more than one of which can be found flickering every day somewhere in my room. I hate lighting them, but lavender and camomile are great scents for stress. The damn things burn out too soon, but walking into my room immediately relaxes me.

Even more recently I have found myself going to extremes with this. I bought Fish Oil pills. Apparently, 2000mg of Omega-3 is rumored to help moods. Fish Oil, okay, whatever. During the afternoons I go jump into the rather frigid and unoccupied community pool. The cold water starts my indifferent heart beating like shock paddles. I'll get out, lay out in the sun until I'm relatively dry, then jump in again. Shock therapy, I guess.

Just before writing this, I threw about 30 vitamin E “liquid gels” into a hot bath, along with some camomile tea bags, and just for the hell of it, a little aloe. And now look at me, whereas before the bath I sat down to write and only got as far as “shock therapy,” I'm now typing away. Weird. I drink both hot tea and iced lemonade at the same time. I listen to music I am not in the mood to listen to and end up singing to my computer equalizer. I'm currently drinking an Airborne ice water even though I'm not sick, it just has vitamins.

I find myself thinking “what senses have I not yet challenged?” and end up with some new, weird, juxtaposed event. How can I screw with my body more? I'm not trying to be a masochist, but I might be trying to be something similar. I will always hate knowing that such trivial things can affect me so strongly. But for now, these behaviors are beating the crap out of my indifference and depression. Without directly trying to relax, I am. That bugs me, but it works. So, I'm going to go brush my teeth with teeth-whittening bubble gum.

PTSD Therapy Homework Assignment #1

The prompt:

Think of your most traumatic event during your deployment. Write about how this event how changed you. Write about how your values, morals, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have changed due to this incident. What are you like now as opposed to back then. Write it by hand, don't type it.

The response (yeah, I typed it):

To sum up: I don't really care anymore. I used to believe that mostly good things happened to good people and mostly bad things happened to bad people. Now, I know it doesn't really matter whether you are good or bad, you're still going to get fucked somewhere along the line. Nice guys finish last. I now firmly believe that there are absolutely evil people in world who cannot and will change, people that deserve to die today, if not sooner. I now know that everybody tells lies, not just white lies, but major lies. I believe that most women are naive and get ahead in the workforce by flirting or more direct sexual means. I believe that most men are conniving and assholish by nature, which are somehow considered desirable traits in both their business and personal lives. I believe that most people live in ignorance and prefer it that way such that their lives will only be challenged by the most minimal of circumstances.

At present, I feel like I am missing out on so much in life. I used to find great peace and satisfaction with one or two questions in my head and a few hours of freedom. I used to ask the question “why” and be able to answer it. “Why” is now my poison and I hate the word, as I hate the world, all Montagues. Kill one why and immediately another twenty take it place. I do not know why I do what I do, feel how I feel, think what I think. My lifestyle is both chaotic and boring, yet simple and confusing.

As for behavior, haha. I don't care whether my behavior is appropriate for friends, family, culture, country, social situation, job, future, sleep, diet, self-control, personal growth, or really anything of moral value. Fuck it all, so says my mind. Yet, and this really sucks, my heart doesn't follow. I feel guilty for doing so many “wrong” or unproductive things. It's stupid and confusing, a “why” question, and I therefore avoid the issue altogether. Cognitive dissidence aside, I really don't care anymore.

I punish myself now as much as they punished me during deployment. As a civilian, and even when it is entirely unnecessary, I break every rule the Army has. I am both proud and loathing of the uniform I wore. Before, I was just proud, and I followed most every rule thinking that following said rules would be a benefit to all. I thought I was going to be part of a team, but I ended up being called and charged as a traitor to the United States of America. I am convinced that the reason for this is simply the behavior of evil people in the Army. And, again, I believe evil people should die today, if not sooner. My enemies were supposed to be my teammates, but ended up betraying me.