The Most Difficult Thing Ever

Reject, disregard, and dismiss as nothing those opinions or peoples that make you feel guilty or ashamed. The most difficult mental and emotional task I have ever attempted to is reject and dismiss the approval and disapproval of others. In fact, I don't think I can even accomplish it using only my mental and emotional facilities. I have to bring in the physical. Either by severe pain or severe pleasure, I need to train myself not to regard the opinions of other people.

At first, this seemed counter-productive, almost counter-intuitive. After all, are we not, as individuals, meant to be a part of others, as part of a larger group of individuals in community? One can reject and dismiss the needs from and obligations to a community only so much. But what of the need for intimacy and fulfillment, specifically the inherent desire of all people to "help" or "benefit" or "love" others? This is not a heroic desire, despite what popular culture sources exemplify, but an innate one. How do we determine the differential between investing ourselves in others and allowing others an investment in ourselves?

We only allow them so much. We are a privately traded stock, non-negotiable and not available on any social or public trading market in the world. Neither Microsoft nor Google nor China nor the entire U.S. federal reserve could make an offer to invest in our personal success. So it should come as no surprise that a solitary doctor's or family member's or friend's opinion cannot afford an investment in our self-directed path toward happiness. They have no say, nor do they (or would they) risk anything on it.

As such, my personal influence of self-worth and moral-compassing needs to be drastically reduced, nearly cut-off from others. I'm talking reducing the size from a chicken wire fence to cheese cloth. The fuck offs, fuck yous, and fuckthatshits need to grow like weeds. The truth only needs to be the size of a mustard seed, fuck all else.

The State

Three cups of coffee with sugar and creamer, followed by two cocktails or beers all within one hour.

That is the formula of drugs/narcotics I need to be at my absolute very best every day. If I follow this formula, I am 100% stress free, happy, motivated, and productive for at least 3-5 hours. This, despite mid-night nightmare awakenings of me killing others or myself. It doesn't matter. I've adjusted and am free and clear of last night's activities.

This is normal. This is what I need to be normal. And yet, this is impossible. My doctor not only gives me direct orders to not drink coffee/caffeine or alcohol, but says I need to stop what I'm doing in order to talk to a psychologist in order to do something. Even further, he prescribed me Valium against my wishes (that I'll throw away as soon as I get them) in order to substitute this formula from my routine.

Well, fuck you. I'm happy, functional, growing, and consistent on my own. Fuck your drugs. Fuck your recommendations. Fuck your therapy and "treatment". Fuck stopping my own growth while I pursue your prescribed growth.

My only problem right now: I feel guilty for using this tried and true method of happiness, fulfillment of potential, and growth. Is there some morally correct way I'm supposed to be doing this? I don't know. But, nevertheless, EVERY FUCKING DOCTOR tells me I'm doing it wrong. I feel guilty.

Yet, here I stand, I cannot do otherwise. I'm going to school, even in-class courses, going over to friends' houses for social events, earning good grades, etc. BULLFUCKINGSHIT IF THIS WAS POSSIBLE UNDER DOCTORS' ORDERS. I'm happy and I will defend it to the death. Fuck Valium. Fuck therapy. I'm doing everything I need to, through apathy despite all else.