Introvert Time

The only other single person left in my entire family, up to and including my third cousins, just got out of surgery for her breast augmentation. I've been at my parents' house for just four days this Easter holiday and I'm already grasping at straws for self-worth. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister's/cousins'/extended family's in-laws. We get along great and I enjoy their company. But what the fuck can I do about the criticism and judgment coming from all of my aunts/uncles/parents/older generations?

For example, I'm sitting here typing a new blog post on a computer while the rest of the extended family is out to restaurant lunch. A lunch that was announced at 10:30am by my mother. A lunch many people invited me to. A lunch that many people reminded me of. All of this before 11:00am. I didn't want to go to because I enjoy wearing pajamas all day. An invite-rejection lunch that received glares of concern and vocal disapproval of my desire to be alone. Mothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, and in-laws all voiced their negative feedback of me staying at home.

I've been with these fuckers and all EIGHT of their kids, for four days straight without a single conscious moment alone. The only time I've been alone is during sleep. Some of the diaper changes I've done would make Satan proud (honestly, I've never seen a person shit more than they could paint of their body weight. Have you ever seen a person create a volcano of shit from their asshole to their neck? I did yesterday.). Leaking diapers, sheets and clothes soiled in piss, milk/formula bottles constantly being filled and washed, hundreds of toys that lose interest after 5 seconds, naps that cannot be predicted, maintaining a cheerful and patient disposition at all times, and I grilled up a lobster/steak dinner for the adult family just last night. And yet, I'm not allowed to be left alone for lunch today?

Granted, fitting-in has never been a part of my repertoire. But I absolutely love my family of kids. A quote from the oldest kid in my extended family this weekend, "Uncle Ben is my favorite person. He cuddles good." I don't care who you are, when a child announces that to the entire family during Easter dinner, it's a heart-melting moment. Why don't the adults in family understand such a simple analysis? What greater maturity do they have that a child cannot see?

It's because of my honest flaws: I'm single and not going through surgery to enhance myself. I'm a prescription drug addict. An alcoholic. A blunt asshole. I've been in therapy. I've told my family these things. My hair is cut too short in some places and too long in others. I don't consider myself a Christian as they do, even though I still believe in much the same things. My morals, ethics, traditions, and culture are flexible without personal motive. In short, I didn't follow the my older generation's advice and while the rest of my family does, I'm left out in the open. Without penis/breast implants.

Last conclusion, I need to refocus on my self-confidence and self-esteem while I'm here. So, I just went out and bought some strong cigarettes, two bottles of liquor, and a few computer/electronic parts to work on for my parents. Once the family gets back from lunch I'm going to take care of the children and tell the adults to fuck off while I use my introvert time. Let them gossip and dramatize everything they want while I enjoy what they deny should exist. Am I the only introvert or just the only male in my family? If my family actually learned from their own children rather than "raising" them, they would understand both their children and me better. I really don't understand what the fuck is going on with them.

Happy Times

Happy times are good days; an accumulation of the good hours of minutes of moments when you detach from those things that make you feel bad to enjoy what makes you feel good. For a few in a row you do whatever pleases you. I think it's important to remember these times. In fact, it might be the biggest lesson learned in life that one remembers the good times over the bad. To not have regret and guilt over present events is "responsibility" as our parents taught us. Tricky though it is to trump shame for presently feeling good about something previously done bad, it's worth the sacrifice. Nothing is better than using your present abilities for good. In short, we live our lives during the moment between inhale and exhale, between breaths and moments. I hope that makes sense to you.

Whenever I look in the mirror I see way more than I wish, but both you and everyone does. This is why we try to change. I've seen dogs and cats puzzling to do the same. I see everyone I know wanting to be seen for more than they are. It seems sad at first, then humorously silly, then overwhelmingly pointless, and finally greatly satisfying. It's satisfying to me because it's expected and absurdly normal, as in not alone, not average, but simple and understandable. I see those things that I love in others and it makes me loveable. We have so much common with our sadly silly pointless simplicity.

But it is difficult being such a unique specimen so different to my environment. I'm perfectly lonely, but still alone. For example, I currently feel the sudden urge to throw a bunch of glass bottles at my neighbors satellite dish just to see if I can hit it. I also want to build a rifle from scratch, including smelting the metal into forged molds for all of the parts, just to see if I can do it. I want to create and destroy just about everything I see and touch. I want to play extremely. I want live extremely and I won't settle for less.

In fact I don't think anyone wants to settle for less than their extreme expectations of desire. They're motivated beyond the mirror image that they see and want. But I have yet to meet someone who can match my life expectancy. The girls I have known and loved have settled for way less than me. My friends and family are consistently shocked by the events and beliefs I enact with passionate devotion. Such amazing irony! It's a shame I cannot trust their love because they don't understand me.

If you're like me, no one will ever know you better than you know yourself. But you are not like me and you never can be, figure out your identity and let it ride out into maturity. Happy times will find you easy as anyone you see. Point being, you'll never live a life like me. And fuck, I'm awesome. I just a wrote a haiku. ;)