Monday, October 17, 2011

The Story of PBoD

The following is a background to how I got my gamer tag/name: Pink Bunny Of Death, or PBoD for short. It was first published in part during my junior year of high school, when I was a part of Yearbook class. It occurred as a "fake advertisement" story in the ads section in order to entice readers to look at the ads. Since then (1997), I've used the Pink Bunny Of Death as my username for everything from Counter-Strike to Halo to StarCraft 2. This is how it all started:

A fluffy bunny flopped his ears and ate. Nothing paid him mind as he frolicked amongst innocence and flowers. The darkness of the dirt didn't bother to contrast with the whiteness of his fur, because he was just so freaking cute. When your tail hole is a sumptuously swaying cottonball, you've got the whole world wrapped around it.

Amongst the fluffy floppy frolicking of joy and peace came a bloody serpent. No really, the snake was bloody. I don't know why. The little bounds of rabbit feet came plummeting down accidentally, luckily escorting part of the snake's body to Shangri La and the other half to Elysium, instantly. The bunny's wet nose snuggled against the bloody snake as best he could to seek signs of life. He nudged, he poked, he thumped the Earth down one hop at a time; but it appeared to be of no use.

Suddenly without warning, a split tongue slashed its way toward our bleached puddle-jumper. The snake coiled and sprung out chasing the swaying cottonball. With his furry innocence now pricked by the taint of pink, he bounded to help from a nearby giant hoe. The hoe swung down violently against the food below, fueled by the male vengeance of a domestic dispute regarding toilet seats. The bunny cried out with all the voice of his ears and feet, which unfortunately, was understood as a "WWWCCHHHAAAAAAIIIIII!!!!" by the would-be rescuer.

The next blow by the hoe was of a different sort, involving teeth and a blade of death aimed at his vital organs. Fearing for the innocence of his swaying cottonball, our hero leapt into action to defend himself. An unfortunate birth defect had replaced the once-white bunny's herbivoric two front teeth with those of a canine vampire, which resulted in severe persecution during his Junior Hop years. The misfortune continued as the man mistook the fluffy pink vampire bunny's fleeing hop toward his face as a reason to die. The man's long shadow shrunk to none near instantly, before the bunny even landed to twitch his whiskers on the ground beside him.

The two lay still. The bunny, wondering what the violent sex act just happened. The man, dead, with the toilet seat status and the hoe no longer an issue. But wait! The hook, I mean, the hoe! Well the hoe fell on the snake and the snake died.
This is the end and beginning tale of the terrible, veracious, monstrous, hideous, ultimately inconceivable Pink Bunny Of Death.


No, my Yearbook wouldn't print cuss words. Yes, this is the original, circa 1997.
Hope you enjoyed it.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

It's One of Those Times

1:13 AM, Saturday, October 8th 2011. I'm awake. In fact, I'm still awake. A nap came earlier, but that information is meant to distract you from why I'm awake. I just dropped out of school, threatened myself with moving back to my hometown with my parents, and generally initiated my demotion from adult to teenager. Perhaps I'll get a job delivering pizza again, who knows.

The truth is that I planned on not getting any sleep tonight, just so I could write and smoke under the stars and enjoy the quietness of nobody and nothing. Long story short, I was pretty much forced to quit school because I missed my 3 out of 4 midterms due to Army shit, none of my professors allowed me to make them up (even though they knew ahead of time that I'd be on active duty during the midterms), and I cannot even hope to pass those 3 classes with an "F" on the midterm. So I don't have anything to do tomorrow, why not stay up all fucking night?!!

And drink. And play online video games against Koreans who have nothing better to do (yes, I've actually been doing this for the past 4 hours or so). And scare skunks in my backyard by flicking cigarettes at them. And microwave popcorn. And listen to classical music. And obnoxiously serenade my neighbors with my guitar/singing American Idol audition on my back porch. And pop bubble wrap. And vacuum. And throw glass bottles down my back alley. And take out my gun to shoot at that offensive police helicopter noise.... nah, that's not a good idea. I'm still in control, just going a bit crazy.

Sociologists call this a "paradigm shift." Psychologists call this "self-talk." Christians call this "prayer." Teachers call this an "ah ha!" moment. Buddhists call this "meditation." Scientists call this a "discovery." Mathematicians call this a "proof." Philosophers call this "thinking." I'm the first and the last of that list, a thinking paradigm shift of a philosociopherologist or something. I'm 30 years old, unemployed (kinda), and I'm moving back in with my parents. Without adding details, that's a drastically fucked up change.

So cheers to you all present; my wall thermostat, my bookshelf full of books, my refrigerator, my cardboard box of whatever or empty, my Wii remote, my broken/dismantled old hard drive, my venetian blinds... I'll be awake for as long as you all so long as I can enjoy your inanimate peace.

Let's just stay awake to space.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Immediate Thought I tell myself:
"I'm not doing good enough."

Underlying Principle:
I am not good enough. I don't deserve approval, appreciation, or affection. I deserve only judgment, criticism, and resentment. I can logically and wholeheartedly reject all positive feedback of my good character, worth, performance, behavior, feelings, thoughts, and life goals/accomplishments. Nothing good comes of me.

Truth:
I am doing good enough for everyone, including my parents who never thought I could be a good person. Now my parents love me. No one else cares if I'm good enough because no one pays that much attention to me. No one knows enough about me to judge, criticize, or resent me. I remain hidden so I can do only good to others.

Applicable Thoughts:
If I focus on only my internal thoughts/feedback of my actions, then I am a fucking saint sent from the highest level of heaven. I'm doing my best, which is more than good enough.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Truthful Mistakes of Thought

Immediate Thought I tell myself:
"Every mistake I make is a failure."

Underlying Principle:
I am a failure because I make mistakes. I can only feel good about my mistakes if I make none. I am either perfect or I'm a failure.

Truth:
I'll never not mistakes. Mistakes are temporary but fixing them is permanent. Failure is always a lie of permanence. No one is ever a failure, including you. No one is ever perfect, including you. Failure is not a consequence of mistakes.

Applicable Thoughts:
When I make mistakes I can fix them without ever being a failure. I can accept mistakes. I don't need to fix all of my past mistakes because no one is perfect. I don't need to worry about future failures due to lack of preparation ("current" mistakes) because they haven't happened yet and I can still do something, even if that something isn't a complete success.



     You see that shit? I make my own therapy. Over the past 10 months I've withdrawn myself from 6 of my 8 prescription medications, without ever seeing a doctor about it. Why didn't I see or talk to a doctor while I stopped taking these medications? Because not only wouldn't they allow me to do so, they actually tried to lock me up in a psych ward/"recovery program" for telling them to fuck off. Ever been forced to rapidly flee your doctor's office as they were calling the police because you weren't taking their medication? That was 10 months ago you arrogant dumbass smart people; yes I'm still alive, yes I still drink alcohol, yes I still smoke, no I don't exercise... and by the way I haven't felt this good in a long long time.

     Fuck psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, social workers, doctors, and all of you assholes that think you know the mental aspects of a brain. Isn't it ironic and hypocritical for any person with a brain to claim to be an authority on thought because they think they know the mental aspects of a brain? Go fuck yourselves.*










*Consult your physician's physician before reading the above information. Possible side effects might include: lack of pursuit of mental health care, disregard for professionals, loatheful hatred of prescription medication, apathy toward advice from people who think they know more about you than you, wanton belief in the legalization of all mind-altering substances, cease payment for health insurance, and other known and unknown allergies. If you experience any of these symptoms, call 911 immediately because you didn't go to medical school so you suck at your own health. You'll never be happy without a doctor's approval.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Let's Reverse Gender Roles for a bit

Now, as you probably well know, I'm not the most social adapt person in the world. Yes, that's a misnomer, because I'm really just socially fucking retarded. I randomly get the urge to punch people in the face in public places, I've thrown wedding guests over my shoulder when they tapped it to say hello, and I slur and stutter my words/thoughts with expressively specific hand gestures while talking on the phone. Those faults being known to you dear readers, let's try to complete a typical male routine involving a request to accompany a girl to food.

First, realize how much preparation it takes to ask a girl, whether they be a platonic friend or a romantic date interest, to food. You need to start by setting aside some time. After work, before you crawl into PJs, some day you need to prepare as the day you're going to ask the girl out for food on a day you're prepared to sacrifice all of your wants/needs. Prepare the preparation. You'll need to remember two things during this time: money and every little thing she might want before/during/after food.

Once you get those two things settled you'll need to call your work and arrange time off. Saving a few hundred dollars for asking a girl out to food is pretty fucking difficult, but trust me, you need to have saved money and time in case she actually says "yes" to your social invitation. Call your friends and tell them you're "busy" with the hope of a positive response from the girl you're asking out. Make reservations at the restaurant in accordance with what you imagine will be a positive social environment for eating food. Be sure the restaurant local is in coordination with the social plans she wants. Make plans for after dinner that are entertaining, social, engaging, adventurous in accordance with attire, and hilariously fun. Don't forget to do laundry and plan your excellent sense of fashion/hygiene ahead of time. Remember to prepare your manners and politeness.

Keep in mind you haven't even asked the girl out yet, but LOL it's no big deal, right????

Since the logistics are now ready, let's prepare your mental/emotional state. I know you've done a lot already; saving hundreds of dollars, cleaning your car/house, clearing your schedule of work/friends, but you've really only just begun. You've already invested so much into making sure she'll have no problems accepting your invitation that you'll probably just now realize she might just say "No thank you" and be done with you. What do you do when you're rejected? What happens to those emotions and investments you made in preparation for her wishes?

If you're a guy reading this you know exactly what happens next, because you have gone through this. If you're a girl reading this, you need to read the title again and figure out exactly how much you need to start going through in order to socialize with guys who don't just want to get their dick wet, because I guarantee no girl has ever gone through the above, especially that last paragraph. Nice guys finish last, ladies, because you won't.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pretend Playing

"I haven't played with G.I. Joes since I was 8." Those were the words I told to my mother when she asked me why I hadn't played with my latest 13th birthday present. After all, I was now a teenager. One of maturity. An age of landmark and growth growing. The time to pretend, to imagine myself living with abandon through my little toy army men, was long past with my childhood. I was no longer a child so why should anyone expect me to act like one?

Let me tell you about your life, or at least one day of it. When the day comes when you find yourself not play-pretending to be someone else, look around and notice how meaningful and seriously monochromatic everything has become. How long has it been since you were a princess or warrior? The latest movie perhaps? When was the last time you played as a rescuer or someone to be rescued? How many toys meant for pure fiction do you own?

"Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again, there is nothing new under the sun." -King Solomon, 300BC. Supposedly the wisest man who ever lived would describe your search for a life of meaning as fucking retarded. Dolphins play with ships hundreds of times their size. Monkeys play tag. Kittens play hunting. Dogs chase balls. Puppies pounce on each other. Mice run in wheels. And you're too busy/old/mature/responsible to play pretend?

If you pretended to someone else for a day, whoever you wanted to be, no one would blame you. I certainly wouldn't. I pretend to be someone else as much as possible, which isn't nearly often or often enough.

I pretend to be Raiden from Mortal Kombat (yes, the video game) because I would like to be made of lightning. I pretend to be Batman, inventing new tools for my toolbelt by imagining ways to climb telephone poles. I pretend to be a rockstar master guitarist with a husky throbbing voice that enthralls women. I pretend to be an unbeatable hand-to-hand combat personthing. I am a starfighter, Red Five standing by, stay on target! I am a artist of charcoal and clay, so I can sculpt your face from mud and paint it with bits of plants and pedals. I am a rich inventor kidnapped by hostile terrorists, so I invent an iron suit powered by a nuclear reactor that allows me to fly.

I've forgotten what I was supposed to be taking seriously, how about you?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Electricity - A First-world Problem

Yesterday the electricity in San Diego (and all of Southern California) unexpectedly shutoff for about 8 hours. One of my politically-liberal friends on Facebook complained about how they had to preemptively cancel their college class because of "concern for the health of the students." I wrote this is multiple replies:

The GOP policy of "deregulation" and greedy rich white men are responsible for this. or Bush.
I was unfairly forced to read a book for 6 whole hours yesterday while the power was out. My right to online education was denied, even though I paid for it. My right to air conditioning was revoked while the Patriot Act was in effect. I was dehydrated without access to health care. I tried to protest in accordance with my 1st amendment rights, but my college refused to print my signs. Police with guns and tasers stared at me and forced me to light candles and wave lighters to promote peace, justice and prosperity.
My right to study Maslow's hierarchy of needs was denied by corporate interests. Courts have already ruled that I cannot sue SDG&E for violating my personal comfort, causing distress, and forcing a fatal shutdown of thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment. The leftover pizza in my refrigerator spoiled, and I couldn't order replacement pizza online. I'm starving and thirsty. My workout video cut out unexpectedly and I injured myself mid-yoga, but again I cannot sue corporate-ruled-media-energy companies for my life threatening injuries. I fell asleep while reading books causing me to wake up late for important stuff. My vacuum exhaled all of the dust it had picked up today, causing me to breathe toxic fumes.
I was forced to pray to a god I don't believe in because I was so desperately uncomfortable yesterday during the state-run energy blackout, which is a violation of the separation between church and state. I played "Chutes and Ladders" to try to control the panic, but because I fell off a ladder in 3rd grade, I now have PTSD. Again, the government won't pay for my health care, even though they caused my health, without care. I tried to build a fire to produce light in my house and succeeded, but I inhaled too much smoke and the fire department didn't respond because I'm a liberal Democrat. I had to put out the fire on my own, even after I was too warm. My internet shut off without warning, even though the FCC forbids this by law.
My trash wasn't picked up by people I don't know yesterday. Obama was on vacation while the power was out but I'm still unemployed, my washing machine doesn't work, and my cell phone is uncharged. Why doesn't the government care about my job, online education, sanitary clothing conditions, and freedom of speech? Yesterday I could barely drink enough clean water in plastic cups to replace the sweat I used taking a nap on my couch! I'm even in the military damnit! My bong wouldn't light without vodka for fuel/filtration, so the corporation SDG&E prevented by my treatment for the PTSD that they caused. My rechargeable batteries went dead. My microwave popcorn ran out. My frozen vegetables thawed. DID NO ONE SEE THIS COMING? WHY ARE THERE NO LAWS TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING?
 No reply has yet been given. I don't expect one, except maybe an unfriending.

Friday, September 02, 2011

I solemnly swear to you two too tube
That I'm completely full of shit, except for grammar
That I'm not to be taken seriously, with exception
That I hear voices and see things that don't exist, without reference

 I avant-garde my way between sleeps and hunger
My conscience is my biggest fault
My conscience is my greatest failure
My conscience is my least admirable attribute
My conscience will outlive me

The stretchable limits between swears and conscience is clean

Monday, June 27, 2011

When you start to teach your parents

By the time you reached teenage puberty, you started to realize you were changing as a person. In your early teens, you realized that you were attracted to certain types of people. By your mid-teens, you were learning about two options: college or career. Oh, by the way, you were in love, remember? You didn't know anything about "love" but you knew that THAT boy/girl was extremely fucking amazing and you wanted them to want you. So, by your late teens you were trying to to secure a life-long relationship. During that time you worked harder than you ever have in your life, both physically and emotionally. You were trying to pursue an education, a career, a life-long relationship, and a religion/philosophy.

When you got to your early 20s, you started to realize that you were stuck with a choice you didn't know you already made. You chose a path that wouldn't work for you in the long run and you began to dramatically change your personality as your idealism fit. You stuck with your responsibilities and obligations as best you could, but nothing could prepare you for how insane life became during your mid-20s. You waffled between sheer joy, depression, pain, fun, fear, adventure, safety, moving in with your parents, loving all you could, boundaries in all you couldn't, and finally settling in where you were. It took many years. You think this matters. You think this is somehow important to your life experience, as if that was a part of your self-esteem. You might even put it on your resume. By your late 20s, you think your life is nothing more than the culmination of your experience. It's been a dramatic experience. It's been a harsh experience. It's been a joyful and saddening experience. It's an experiential experience. It's your life.

In your early 30s, you realize how selfishly fucking retarded you were in your "youth", as if "youth" was somehow a disjointed part of your distant past and not you. You begin to realize how human everyone is, like you. It's almost as if everyone on the planet was somehow related to you. Somehow everyone has faults. Everyone has a sense of humor. Everyone has a reason for doubt and reason for lying. Everyone has a reason for faith and a reason for honesty. In your early 30s, you realized that your mom and dad were not just people with faults and virtues, but they were actually the only two people who would ever want you until the day they died.

Your mom and dad gave birth to you when they were in their late teens/early 20s. Your dad started working quite a bit before then (early/mid teens). They raised you with the expectations of their youth, passed down from their parents. They know absolutely nothing about touchscreen cellphones, hybrid car engines, or HD television UNLESS you (or someone younger than you) teaches them. They don't know that baby diapers are flushable, cars are a bad investment, and toilets don't flush with 2 gallons of water. They didn't grow up with any of this. You're going to start teaching them about the world around them. Teach them about your responsibilities, about your life, about your difficulties and joys and excitements and relationships and everything. Your parents become your children.

By your 30s, you'll realize that your parents will never change. Not ever, until the day they die. Your great-grandparents (if you're lucky) will just now die, your grandparents will start to die, and your parents will become extremely old. You know what's coming. You'll start to become desperate and glean from them every possible piece of advice and hope and wisdom. In that time, you'll teach them more about you than they've ever known, even though they've wiped your self-shitting ass and allowed you to vomit on their shoulder. You will tell them about all. You will ask about all. You will confess. You will comfort. You will try all. You will risk everything. You will want nothing more than for your parents to be happy.

You will teach your parents more in those last years than they ever knew, and not just because their world has drastically changed. You'll tell them everything you've learned, everything you know, everything they mean to you, even if they don't listen. You'll make their life as easy as possible, as happy as possible, as beloved as possible.

You will become your parents' teacher, caretaker, and parent.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Pros and Cons of talking about addiction

Con:
If I admitted or talked about my addictions, then...
  • Everyone would assume I am "an addict" without question or doubt, including all conclusions and consequences thereof.
  • Everyone would assume I am incapable of intelligent thought outside of my addiction.
  • Everyone would assume I am incapable of good behavior outside of my addiction.
  • Everyone would assume any intelligent thoughts or good behaviors were a rare exception to my life, outside of my addiction.
  • Everyone would assume my life should revolve around treating my addiction.
  • Everyone would assume that my admission of addiction means I am asking for their help/advice/sympathy/empathy.
  • Everyone would assume that I am depressed and/or failing at my life because I am an addict.
  • If I told a doctor that I'm an addict, then I would be immediately committed to a psych ward or treatment facility.
  • If I told a doctor that I'm an addict, then all of my current medications/treatment would cease.
  • If I told a doctor that I'm an addict, then they wouldn't look into anything else in my life besides addiction.
  • If I told a doctor that I'm an addict, then they would be primary concerned with protecting their malpractice lawsuit ass when prescribing medication/treatment.
  • If I told a doctor that I'm an addict, I would get their boss's bureaucratic "recommended" treatment rather than actual help.
  • If I told my friends or family that I'm an addict, they wouldn't know what to say or do.
  • If I told my friends or family that I'm an addict, they would recommend that I go to a doctor for treatment.
Pro:
If I hid or denied my addictions, then...
  • Everyone would assume I am not "an addict" without question or doubt, including all conclusions and consequences thereof.
  • Everyone would assume I am capable of intelligent thought.
  • Everyone would assume I am capable of good behavior.
  • Everyone would assume my intelligent thoughts and good behavior were normal.
  • Everyone would assume my life revolves around me.
  • Everyone would assume I'm fine without their help, and in fact, they could come to me for help.
  • Everyone would assume I'm happy and successful.
  • If I didn't tell doctors, then I could continue living in my own house, with my own food, be able to travel, and sleep until noon.
  • If I didn't tell doctors, then I could renew medications and avoid "talk therapy" advice without any trouble.
  • If I didn't tell doctors, then I wouldn't have to deal with red tape, paperwork, forms, "approving authority" stamps, signatures, and other masturbations of public employees.
  • If I didn't tell friends and family, then they wouldn't find themselves too ignorant to help "an addict."
  • If I didn't tell friends and family, then we could all communicate and relate as people.

....hmmmm... yeah, fuck everything about "admitting I'm an addict". Addicts are lepers. I'm not a leper.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

The First Step is the Most Difficult Step

If I told you every reason why you should be performing push-ups instead of reading this, would you start doing push-ups right now?
If I took the time to explain how drinking any caffeinated beverage will cause you to die before your parents/children/husband/wife/dog/cat, would you stop drinking caffeine forever?
If a doctor told you that driving in a car would cause your heart to fail, would you stop immediately?
If a dentist told you that only a $15,000 toothbrush would prevent your teeth from falling out, would you buy it and brush daily?
If a psychiatrist said you need to take 4 medications 3x per day to prevent yourself from killing everyone you love, would you take them as instructed?
If I reasonably explained in every way possible that the only thing you can do to go to heaven is stick out your tongue right now, would you do it?
Would you take the first step?
Would you refuse what I explained you need?
Would you require what I explained you don't?
Would you question what I already answered?
Would you doubt what you've already experienced through others?
Doubt their experience? Doubt your thoughts? Doubt your perception?
Because it tells you to do something. Fucking it.
To take the first step. To do push-ups, right now. To brush your teeth, now. To stop drinking "unhealthy" things, forever. To go to heaven, eventually. To not doubt, not explain, not question. Just it. The immediate and eternal reason for the first step. It.

(I hate everything I just wrote, that whole train of thought. It's fucking disgusting. This truly is my online journal.)

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Back Alley Musings - St Helen

Two weeks ago an elderly woman asked me for a cigarette. She was hunched-over, frowningly out of air, and clearly struggling for the courage to place the request. Perhaps I was too intimidating while smoking on my backyard porch, perching in reflective fascination with "color" and "thought", but she asked me anyway and I gave her a smoke. We talked then, quite briefly as one should allow, about names, places, things, weather observations, and general awkward stupidity of herp derp narf crap. Her name was Helen and she had just moved into a garage-studio apartment in my San Diego alley from Pittsburgh.
Tonight she asked me for another cigarette, but the conversation lasted four hours. I can honestly say I have never met a more fascinating, compassionate, experienced, happy, or wise person in my entire life. I mean no disrespect towards anyone, not even my parents, but fuckall if a conversation with Helen didn't make me appreciate being a person smaller than the stars during daylight.

So... Helen: At the age of 18, Helen left home to join a convent and became a nun. She was celibate, single, and devoted to Catholicism for the next 15 years. At the age of 33, she left the convent and enrolled in graduate courses. She earned her Bachelors, Masters, and Ph.D in Religious Studies by her 37th birthday (that's 4 years later, folks). After she completed her doctorate, she served under a Catholic bishop ("who was constantly drunk at mass and horny for boys") to further her experience. At 40 she wrote a letter to the Vatican requesting a dismissal from her vows. After a lengthy appeal process, she finally received a "retirement" of her vows. For the next 32 years, Helen was a professor and chair of Religious Studies at USD (University of San Diego), a private prestigious university that costs well over $30,000 in tuition per year to attend. Two years ago, Helen sold her two houses and moved into my alley, at the ripe retirement age of 74. So, to recap, Helen asked me for a second cigarette tonight and we talked.

After 30 minutes of venting my overly-personal current list of depressionist reflection of the usual life of me, I, thinking, we, self, stress, blah blah bullshit of crap if in an else otherwise while negotiable what the fuck are you reading? Helen didn't even blink. Ever realize that you've just over-exposed yourself to someone? That things, the conversation you've just been monologuing, have gone way too far beyond personal? I interrupted myself and asked Helen to tell me her story. The next three hours could be summed up as follows:

Me: "But Helen, were you happy?"
Helen: "Ohh.. YES!!! Absolutely."

You've lived for 74 years, never married, no kids, never had sex, but you're okay with that?
I'm thrilled, never been better.
But when you left the convent, you must've had some life-changing rebellion of faith/identity?
Yeah, that's why I went to school.
Do you still believe in God?
Yes, absolutely.
Why?
Because everyone either needs or wants a reason to exist.
Why didn't you ever get married?
I didn't find the right person.
Are you SURE that you've been happy?
Yes, Ben, I'm sure.

...I could fill in the details, but there's really no point unless I publish a book of the conversation. The bottom line is... you should start smoking so awesome old people will ask you for cigarettes, or something. Helen was convinced that I was lying when I told her what I've done since I was 18. Education, Africa, church intern, Asia, military, teacher... she really thought I was a liar. I'm proud of the doubt I created in an ex-nun.

Meh, I'll probably forget this entire conversation soon, like tomorrow or the day after.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Whatever random that look this like those in who what where?

I hate the past because of the harbors it holds. I think alcoholics are fucked defined, treatment is their cage and faith is their crime. I think drug addicts are free, treatment is their shame and doctors are their dealers. I think medical professionals determine the fucked from the free, but never tell a soul about their power. I think people generally obey those they believe are superior to themselves.

I think fat people need to move, not move as in "exercise", but move as in "relocate to another society." Any tribe in the Brazil rainforests will do, as will nearly any African subculture. Most of the billions of people in the world believe that fat is healthy. Muscle-toned people don't get chased by lions or sharks because even dumbfucktarded animals know those people have an incurable disease. You don't know this, because you are still listening to those who live with electric dishwashers, HEPA filters, and memberships to places called "gyms" with lifty things that are heavy.

I think everyone is quite normal. But anyone who thinks everyone should be equal is insane. The only way everyone can be equal is if all of us get completely fucked up by taking EQUAL amounts of shrooms, meth, alcohol, and heroin while we dance to the same historically classical music. If we're all fucked up, then no one has any reason to complain about anything. Not doctors. Not lawyers. Not religious moralists. Not siblings. Not graders, teachers, or any other authority. In fact, we might all have a lot of fun. Anyone who wouldn't have fun in that situation is, in my opinion, severe insane.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Pot

If you don't want to read the whole thing, the punchline of this post is that my mom would routinely throw pots and pans at my dad.

Last week I decided to short-circuit a parental visit to my home in San Diego by randomly driving four hours to my parents' house in Tehachapi. It was my dad's birthday, but more importantly, it was mother's day. When I spoke to my dad on the phone before my visit, he said they were coming to visit me because "it isn't good for you to isolate yourself from your mom" and "your mom really needs to see you." This is the nature of my parents' relationship with each other and my dad with me. Men serve, women demand. I decided, packed, and started driving at 8:00am on Thursday, with four packs of cigarettes and a plastic red cup full of rum-coke in the cup holder of my car. Sue me. I drove with an open container, and no, I wasn't drunk. I arrived 1/6th of a day later with 1/2 an empty cup.

One of the keynote events of my childhood occurred when I was 12 years old. I had just arrived home from soccer practice after school when my mom burst through the door and announced that she was leaving. She packed a suitcase, grabbed my sister (who she instructed to also pack a suitcase), and left as quickly as she appeared. I didn't know what had happened. The last I saw of my mom and my sister was at the door when my dad walked in with obviously bowed grief. As my mom and sister were at the door walking out, my dad was summarily slapped in the face by my 13 year old sister with the explanation: "How could you!!!!!" And suddenly, without a word otherwise, the door slammed shut.

My mom and sister were gone for two days, staying in a vacation hotel. Throughout their leave, my dad was on the phone constantly, taking days off of work, buying things, not speaking to me, grieving. Just prior to their return, my dad called my school to say I was sick. He instructed me to the clean the entire house, paying special attention to my sister's room and my parents' bedroom. I was thrilled to get out of school, so I cleaned vigorously as instructed. When my dad came home from work, he had purchased two dozen roses for my mom and a bouquet of flowers for my sister. We set them up at strategic locations and my mom and sister arrived home shortly thereafter. Two weeks later, my mom was happy to tell me what happened that day to force her to leave. To this day, my dad hasn't spoken of it and I haven't asked.

According to my mom, here's what happened: My parents had driven to the grocery store to buy food for dinner. During that time, my mom had told my dad of the money she had spent shopping for new outfits, furniture, decorations, etc. My dad became upset because the balance in the checking account was now a negative, and they couldn't buy groceries without bouncing a check. They parked in the grocery store parking lot and continued to argue about money. At some point, my mom had enough and told my dad to "screw off" whilst leaving the car to go buy groceries. It was at this point that my dad grabbed my mom's wrist and said, "No, Karen, we need to talk about this more." In response, my mom said "Marty, let go of me," took the car keys and drove home. My dad walked. I saw the rest. Again, this is her side of the story.


Domestic violence is a prevalent talking-point amongst my youthful college student peers, political leaders, and feminists. It's particularly a feminist protest-worthy problem, which is completely fucking funny to me. Did you know that " Domestic Violence Awareness Month" is a female-only event in October according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)? The October picture of abuse according to the NCADV is of a woman bowing her head in hurt shame. That is a tax-dollar government website. My dad grabbed my mom's wrist, let go at her request, and as a result she took her daughter to a hotel for two days. He should've been jailed, fired (since he was law-enforcement), and forcibly removed from our house.

When I arrived at my parents' house last week, I noticed a few pots and pans sitting scattered in the garage. It gave me the idea to cook dinner before they came home from work. I went to the grocery, bought a few whole chickens, potatoes, lemons, spices, veggies, etc., and set them on so my parents would arrive home with a cooked dinner and me. They arrived in perfect timing two hours after I started cooking, and we ate in festive surprise at our stories and changes over the past few months. They were thrilled.


Now, if you don't know my childhood history of being raised like Mogali amongst women, then you won't get how completely shocked my mother was at my cooking that day. My mother fought nearly every day of her "stay-at-home-mom" time with both me and my dad. She daily found it atrociously absurd that she had to make us (my sister and I) shop for groceries, clean the house, and cook dinner while my dad was at work. It was painful and abusive for her, a violence perpetrated by my dad. I remember this line being yelled repeatedly at my dad during my childhood: "You know, raising two kids and three home-cooked meals a day for [# of married years at the time] gets a little old." I remember this line first being spoken when I was 8 years old, just after I had made scrambled eggs and bacon for my family for breakfast. I didn't understand it, since I had just made breakfast without my mom's help. My sister and I never had lunch or "lunch money" during school days. My dad worked weekends and holidays, and he never packed a lunch. My mom almost never cooked. If I add the times my sister and I made meals "with" my mom, then I think my mom only cooked during holidays and extended family gatherings.

While my parents were eating the dinner I cooked them last week, I received some great feedback. My dad exclaimed, "This is the best, most moist chicken I have ever had in my life." My mom questioned, "Ben, where did you learn how to cook?!" I thanked them for their compliments, said I was glad they were enjoying it, and told them the recipe and technique. My mom told me about the old pots and pans she put in the garage since buying an entirely new set of kitchenware. She said I could have some of them if I wanted, but most were reserved for my cousin Tracy (female type), and others needed to be saved for "sentimental value." When I asked why she wanted to save some, she told me that she wanted to save the pots and pans that she had thrown at my dad's head throughout the years, which had bent and warped upon impact. It was one of those sigh-laugh-"ah marriage!"-laugh-sigh moments of comment.

Did you now that women are more likely than men to stalk, attack and psychologically abuse their partners? Did you know that the majority of all domestic violence cases involving physical harm and assault are initiated by women? Did you know that Harvard Med School found 70% of domestic violence is committed by women against men? Do you know that abuse against men is commonly accepted by the legal professions and even celebrated by women in society? Do you remember when I told you that my dad should've been jailed, fired, and removed from our house for grabbing my mom's wrist? If that should've happened to my dad, what should've happened to my mom?

"Oh yeah!"-sigh-laugh-hamarriageha-laugh-sigh, "I remember when you hit dad in the head with a frying pan! You kept the pan?!?" I said with a humored poker face. "Yes! I love it!" My dad was stone silent, eating his vegetables. Nothing happened. I didn't know what to say, so I quickly switched looking between my parents' faces and humorously scanning the room. Suddenly, out of nowhere, nothing continued to happen. Then I remembered why.

I think my dad dipped his heart into a boiling vat of acid and lye when he was 18 years old, the year he went to prom with my mom. He's been numb to all emotional and physical pain, including pots/pans to the head, ever since. He killed all emotional contact with humanity after my mom told him she was just using him so she would have a prom date and broke up with him shortly thereafter. To this day, my mom still tells the story of how "abusive" and "violent" he reacted after she told him how she just used him for a prom date. He showed up to her door and said "I never want to speak to you again", then walked away. According to my mom, she "saved the relationship" by apologizing to him and throwing herself at him as a provider, resulting in a marriage two years later and my sister two years after that. At 22, my dad began working 60 hours a week for the next 34 years. He avoided most everything else, including pots and pans.

Remember when my mom came home and escaped her wrist-grabbing husband, saving her only daughter in the process? What would a 12 year old boy learn by watching his mom rescue his sister and completely ignore him alone with an "abusive" dad? What would a boy learn from watching his 13 year old sister hit his dad in the face, and then watch dad buying her a bouquet of flowers in response? What should a pre-teen boy learn about manhood from watching his dad dodge and get hit in the head with (potentially lethal) steel pots and pans from his mother? What should I have said, now that I'm 30 years old, about my mom nearly leaving with my sister over a wrist-grab and leaving me behind, while she laughs about bending steel with a force she meant for my dad's head? Fucking nothing, suddenly absolutely nothing.

Keep those pots, mom, and go ahead and give them to extended female family and your non-sons.
I learned how to cook during my childhood, even though somehow you cooked three meals per day for my dad. I love you and I'll always cook for you, anytime you wish.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Doc, Let Me Be Blunt

Every time I walk into the VA for a psychiatry appointment I have to fill out a depression/anxiety survey. Before I was called into my last appointment in February, I didn't fill out the stupid fucking form. I wasn't in the mood, neither for the survey nor for any other bullshit conversation. So, my psychiatrist was "troubled" by my behavior and asked me to fill out the form so he could gauge my depression/anxiety levels on some mathematical psycho-formula scale. I leapt out on a no-bullshit-leftover rant.

Doc, I'm not going to fill out your stupid fucking form because the only reason I am here is so you can type into your computer and eventually the VA will mail me some medication. That's it, that's the only reason I'm here and that's the only reason you're here too. You read the fucking form, ask me some scripted follow-up questions that a PhD from Harvard wrote, feign some empathy to pave the way for some more fucking stupid scripted questions from another PhD who's never been to war or in the military, then you type on your computer and click some boxes and I leave. I say "Thanks", you say "You're welcome", and I'll get medication in the mail for the next three months. So don't pretend like I'm violating some mysterious rule of the VA production process. You get a paycheck, I get medication. That's it. So click and stamp your fucking form and I'll be on my way.
....
No, Doc, I haven't given you a filled-out form since 2009. This is normal, it's even normal that you don't remember. Yes, Doc, I know that I can "talk to somebody" by following the brochure instructions and simply calling 1-800-PLEASE-HOLD. You've given me this same brochure every three months for the past two years. Do you really want me to feign ignorance again like I always do? "Oh, wow, I didn't know these 'talk therapy' programs existed! Free of charge! Wow!!!" Stamp that damn form, click on your computer, and I'll be on my way.
...
You're right, Doc, in fact I don't think you or anyone in this office gives a shit about me. Do I give a shit about you? Are we friends? Would you know my name if you saw me on the street? Fuck no, no you wouldn't. Yet, you want me to fill out your stupid fucking form. You don't know me, you'll never know me, just as I don't know you and I'll never know you. How many hours of solid REM sleep did you get last night? (Here's a brochure) Have you smoked anything, including a cigarette, in the past 12 months? (Here's a pamphlet) Have you drank alcohol in the past 12 months? Have you drank more than three drinks in 24 hours? (Here's an addiction center you can check into, for free!!!) In the past 12 months, has anyone told you they're concerned about you? (Brochure for social support) Do you think someone loves you? (Pamphlet of local charities) Doc?... Are you there...? We're having a safe, intimate, trusted conversation here, right? Just tell me what type of food you eat every day. How many conversations do have per day? Doc? Stamp your fucking form, click your computer, and I'll be on my way.
...
Yes, Doc, I understand you have a medical professional responsibility in prescribing these medications. I further understand that you have no clue whether or not I swallow them or burn them alive on my BBQ as a party to some sociopathic fetish for torturing chemicals. Your responsibility ends when you stamp the fucking form and click that goddamn computer. Do I have a responsibility to monitor your aspirin intake? No, I don't, you know why? Because we're not friends. We're not intimate persons. We're not even honest strangers. You don't tell me shit about your life, especially regarding your social skills and vitamin supplements, so this is nothing new. It hasn't been new for two years. You still don't know my first name after two years, and to be honest, I don't know yours either. So stamp the fucking form, click your computer and I'll be on my way.
...
"Thanks, Doc."
"You're welcome."

Friday, February 11, 2011

Guns: The Retardation of Californians

If I wanted to persuade you to agree with me concerning gun control, I would attempt to do so with threaded parallels of gun control to Hitler and Nazi Germany (thanks for the tip, James!!!!). For example, I would tell you that one of the first laws the Nazi party passed in early-1900s Germany was forbidding and controlling the ownership of all handguns/rifles by any German prior to their other invasive population control policies (concentration camps, anyone?). But I don't care about persuading you, nor do I care to incite emotion by tempestuously referring to events that happened in Europe over 100 years ago. I want to tell you a very, very stupid and personal story.

A gun is a mechanical device, much like a pen and paper. It is stupid, as is this. I learned this very early on in my youth. When I was 12 years old my dad and my grandfather bought me a spring-loaded Red Ryder BB-gun and told me the following: "What you do with this cannot be erased. Once you pull the trigger, you're going to live with the consequences of everything that happens after that." This was a warning, but more importantly, it was a truthful story. I have lived with the consequences of each and every single trigger pull since that moment. One of my proudest moments was tracking two moving pigs I shot off the cuff at >275 yards, using my pocket knife to skin and gut them, then cooking the fresh bacon and pork sausage as a meal for the next two weeks. It was the feast of a harvest.

It took me just a few years to learn that what my father and grandfather were trying to teach me was not a warning, was not a promise, was not fear; they taught me, right then and there, that I was living a life of choice, choice of responsibility, responsibility of consequences, consequences of my life choices, and that loop was permanent. They stood by me after giving me the BB-gun by immediately taking me to a remote section of Utah during winter for a two-week tented hunting trip. Their targets were deer and elk. My targets were soda cans, chucker birds, and gray tree squirrels. Whether or not we killed our targets was a moot point. Our goal was a direct interaction with the natural world, of choice and responsibility and consequence for life. I starved and froze my ass off for two-weeks, despite two layers of thermal underwear, many thick coats and gloves, a constant spring of soup and crackers, a space blanket, a toilet seat built from a used walker, and dirt and leaves that I buried myself in as a daily ritual for warmth. Today, as I am writing this on February 21 2011, I would give anything, anything at all, any part of my life experience since or any vital organ of my body now, to relive those two weeks all over again.

So I have an advantage over most people in that my first experience with a gun was not one of fear, but of permission. "You CAN do this, but do you WANT to do this?" It was a choice of mechanical utility, of command decision. You decide and you act and the thing responds. The modern theory that your "pseudo-choice" resulted in "pseudo-consequences," was for me a given undeniable and literal fact. If you triggered a cause, then you did its effects, no excuses for not seeing this fact before and after. A gun did this, or at least, was the mode of communication. A trigger, a bullet, a lethal combination of mechanics taught me more about life than anything else I've touched since. Let me give you an example.

The most shockingly shameful moment of my life occurred when I was 15 years old. I made a choice, by myself responsible, and the consequences were dire ("IS THAT REASONING EVEN POSSIBLE?!" - Simon Says, PhD., Humanitarian College Professor). Yes, a gun did this, or at least, was the mode of communication. A trigger, a bullet, a lethal combination of mechanics taught me more about life than anything else I've touched since. Deja vu? No, you just re-read what I learned, that a choice can result in good and evil action. Literal, real, full, and fuck you undeniable. A gun did this to me. At 15 years old I nearly shot a bullet into the head of another man, and while on the same trip, I received a shot that left me partially deaf in my right ear.

At this point I believe it is necessary to alleviate your worries as the reader because responsibility necessitates the existence of danger. No offense, but it's incredibly likely that you've been brainwashed into fearing guns as weapons of violence, not mechanics of choice. You're probably either afraid of guns and/or you think guns are primarily used for an ugly sort of anger, vengeance, or upset; you might even think war is the result of a social version of these terms. Unfortunately for ignorance and congressmen, this is fucking bullshit. I know this, and I know where you're coming from, but stay with me, I was 15 years old. My dad thought it best to have me hunt squirrels with him and other hunters who were responsible to eliminate the rabies/rot carried by squirrels onto the various cattle ranches near our home. In my 18+ years of hunting experience since, this is ridiculously rare. No hunter kills an animal just to kill it. The only exception is when there is a threat of overpopulation and/or disease to the natural habitat of the wildlife. In this case, the threat was to cows and horses by a disease which was passed on via the fur of squirrels, but to which squirrels themselves were immune. This trip was an important step for me, since I had never before killed an animal without harvesting it for edible food. I had never before killed an animal for the sake of other animals, nor even for killing to limit disease, and especially not for "sport".

So me, my dad, my uncle Rod, and his friend (let's call him "Jack") were out shooting squirrels for this exact reason. Due to my 15 years of age, I carried a .22 rifle and scope, while everyone else carried much larger rifles with high-powered scopes. We had found a great spot on a cattle ranch, a rock outcropping on the edge of a ravine that looked out across an opposing hillside. The hillside range was perfect, anywhere between 100 and 400 yards, and it was crawling with scores of rabies-infested squirrels that had dug so many holes that the land looked like a broken-down golf range. You find amazingly peaceful beauty in this spot, such natural beauty and colors you cannot describe except with silence. We were having a blast, challenging each other to distance shots, giving verbal awards for "Best stick explosion" and "Most elusive dirt mounds". While we were all lined up sitting side-by-side, I made a fatal error. While tracking a running squirrel as a moving target from right to left through my scope, I had unknowingly swung my rifle barrel directly behind Jack's head. A rifle scope is mounted roughly two inches above the barrel, so despite the fact that my barrel was pointed directly at the base of Jack's skull, I couldn't see him through my scope focused on a target 200 yards away. I saw crosshairs and a running target, that is, until my rifle was ripped up from my hands, my head was bashed into a rock, and I pulled the trigger as though nothing and everything had happened at once.

My dad had no pity for tackling me unconscious. Instead I awoke with my narrowed eyes squinting at the temper of a man who was treating me as if I were an attempted assassin. If you're experience with guns, then I don't need to tell you how completely fucked up my muzzle awareness was that day, nor do I need to tell how right my dad was to knock me out at that precise moment. In you're not experience with guns (a.k.a. you gun-retarded Californian), then just know that if my 15 year old finger had pulled a further 1/8th of an inch on the trigger, a man with a wife and two children would be dead today. Gun use is choice of responsibility, responsibility of consequences, consequences of life choices. A gun is a mechanical device, obeying with full reverence the commands of its operator. Your fingers do this. Your mouth does this. Your car does this. A pen and paper does this. You cannot take it back.

For the rest of the day, per my dad's instruction, I was allowed to shoot only if I was "in front" (greater than 90 degree angle) past any other shooter. I was front-most, foremost, and had an additional responsibility of avoiding being shot by trusting in the awareness of those behind me and my ability to communicate with others mid-fun. Once we moved to a new location, Jack was behind me and shot at a squirrel with the end of his .300 Win. Mag. barrel right next to my ear. The concussion rapidly brushed the side of my face, nearly knocked me over, and left me dazed and confused for a good 30 seconds of my first experience of drunkenness at 15. After I rediscovered my legs, I calmly signaled to those shooters behind me of my intent to move. I picked up my rifle and walked behind the group, stumbling like a dog on rollerskates. The beginning scene in Saving Private Ryan is quite appropriate here. My ears were ringing like numbed screaming birds in chorus, as if I were wearing noise-canceling headphones at a organ orchestra. (On side note, this experience prepared me directly for combat conditions as an Army soldier).

If you've made it this far, and read all above micro-stories and notes, then you deserve to recognize and realize this fact: When I was 15 years old I learned, without even realizing it, that I was capable of shooting the President of the United States in the head from a minimal distance of 500 yards under extreme battlefield conditions. I shot a 2" by 6" target (a squirrel) at 350yds with a low-powered rifle and scope. That was me 16 years ago. Currently, using my California-purchased-legal hunting rifle, I can kill the President or any person at well over 800 yards distance. Most ignorant fucks, upon "discovering" this stupid fact of mechanical utility, respond in avocation of more gun control opinions, but I do not. I bought my rifle legally, bought my scope legally, reloaded my own ammunition legally, and made legal customizations to it merely for my own comfort. I only use this weapon to legally hunt game in California. But, surprisingly to gun-retarded Californians, I could make the President's head explode with this weapon from more than twice the Secret Service's standard cordon. Remember that ballistic glass present at President Obama's inauguration? Yup, my bullets would've penetrated those and killed him where he stood, even if I would've shot beyond the length of the pool. To be honest, I've never either thought of this fact, or even using this fact to promote awareness of guns, to anyone. Why would I? Don't people know that guns kill people from a distance? But, in order to educate you gun retarded Californians of ballistics' ethics, I guess you need to know the simple science behind mechanics.

Despite being law-enforcement personnel, both my dad and I are legally prevented from buying any weapon that is sub-par to the .308 I already own that can take off the President's head. You fucking fucktarded Californians listened to politicians that said "assault weapons" should be illegal. S, you gave money to mainstream-media so you could listen to more anti-gun rhetoric, and you now receive countless statistics and polls on "gun violence" in society. Congrats. You agreed that Columbine kids were" gun victims", so you passed laws that forbade adults from teaching their children with guns. Congrats. You gave over your rights to the state of California to own any gun you purchase by requiring registration of your name, address, phone number, social security number, psychological exam, mental and medical history, gun bolt/slide/grip serial number, and a personality test of 30 multiple-choice questions. Congrats. You told the government that you don't want anyone to ever have the freedom to buy a gun in California, without waiting for 10 days after they've paid a multi-thousand dollar bill and passed the above registration requirements. Congrats. Furthermore, you fucking fucktarded Californian ignorant asshole gun-fearing tits, any rifle that is totally "black" in color is illegal, any gun that shoots more than 8 rounds before a reload is illegal, any rifle that has a manual magazine release is illegal, any gun carried in any car is illegal, any gun manufacturer that does not go through a rigorous California government gun approval testing and procedure is banned from selling guns in California. Guess what manufacturer of guns is carried by over 90% of law-enforcement agencies in California? Answer: Glock. Guess what manufacturer is no longer allow to sell new guns in California? Answer: Glock. Why, why, why? You, you fucking fucktarded Californian, made it illegal for them to do so.

I can kill you at over 800 yards, anywhere day or night, in an instant death without you ever realizing what hit you. You'll never even hear the shot before your head explodes. I can do the same to any congresswoman, President, furniture mover, or father. This can be done by any gun owner. I'll never do this, but I am capable, because a gun is capable. A shot by gun is a life choice, a choice of consequence, consequence of responsibility, responsibility of life choice.

Who will be in charge if the Second Amendment is revoked or Martial Law is declared by your elected leaders? Me. Me, motherfuckers, me and my .308 at 800 yards. The Army, of which I am a part, in California. Cherish your guns fuckers, because the only reason your government hasn't forced upon you what they consider "in your best interest" is due to the fact that you might shoot them with your gun in revolt. I know this, because this is the only threat I would oppose if you try to do this, you fucking fucktarded Californian.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

It took me this long to realize this... ???

Revelation: My ex-fiance's mother signed up for a "suicide hotline" over five years ago so that she could subvert and derail our engagement. I learned of this seemingly insignificant fact of her volunteering for a suicide hotline through my fiance. I didn't think it was significant at the time, even though my fiance's mother specifically requested my fiance to be her "debrief support channel" after the calls during midnight hours. I honestly didn't care, didn't think it was significant, didn't even respond when my fiance told me about it other than "Oh, that sounds awesome. Very cool of your mother to volunteer". But, holy shit, how stupid do I feel after five years of reflection? Consider these facts:

-My fiance's mother did not want her daughter to ever get married.
-My fiance's mother did not want her daughter to ever get married due to the fact that she was afraid my fiance might actually form a family of her own with another and neglect the enabling responsibilities her mother required for codependency.
-My fiance's mother did not want her daughter to specifically marry me due to the fact I was planning on starting my own family with her.
-My fiance's mother broke into my fiance's email account to read our correspondence while I was away in India. After reading a particularly troubling email containing some of my thoughts about her and her family, my fiance's mother immediately brought it up to her husband and left it up to him to confront my fiance about what he/she "randomly stumbled upon while using the computer" (fiance's mother's words, exactly) in terms of how troubling it was to their family.
-My fiance's mother confronted my fiance EVERY SINGLE DAY with reminders of why she should never leave her family to start another while I was away in India,.

Considering that context, and the fact that I wanted as much to be a part of fiance's family as she wanted of our new family, the simple subversive actions of her mother completely alluded me. How could I be so blind? How could I miss this simple fact for the past five years? I don't know.

Five years ago my fiance's mother called a "suicide hotline". She said she wanted to volunteer as a suicide hotline operator, at least, that's what my fiance told me she said. This occurred while I was in India and my fiance was living with her mother. Furthermore, my fiance's mother specifically requested the midnight-4am shift for the hotline, and asked my fiance to be her "debrief support" after every phone call during this time. It just so happens that this was the only time frame that I was able to contact my fiance during her available hours in the local time zone (since I was calling from India). Fuck me, I cannot believe I didn't realize this until now.

Since my fiance was a codependent object of her mother's emotional needs, EVERY SINGLE CALL her mother took necessitated the use of my fiance's debriefing skills. Every day, at midnight, 2am, 1:30am, 3:30am, 2:15am, etc. my fiance was woken up from sleep by her mother to debrief her on the latest suicide call. As such, when I called faithfully at 8:00am local time every day (like I promised I would), my fiance was either asleep, too tired to answer the phone, or delirious from lack of sleep. Guess who answered the phone at her house every day at 8:00am? You got it, my fiance's mother, informing me of my fiance's inability to talk on the phone.

Despite the context, I did not realize until this very day (January 16, 2011), that my fiance's mother put herself and my fiance further into a codependent relationship to prevent our relationship from ever continuing via this act. I thought volunteering for a suicide hotline operator, especially for the midnight-4am shift, was awesomely sacrificial. I didn't even suspect an anterior motive. I didn't see what she was trying, and succeeding, to do. The effect of her actions were that I could never talk to my fiance during convenient times for her while I was overseas in India calling from a telephone booth two miles walk from my residence. Good fucking Lord, I'm still figuring this shit out.

To sum up: Even five to seven years after a marriage fails, you still do not know the whole truth behind the people who made it fail. Not your fault, people are just that subversive and complicated.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How...How is it

How is it that I can accomplish SO MUCH GOOD while drunk/drinking/under the influence of alcohol, and yet, FEEL SO GUILTY for doing it because of HOW I did it? My God, I did so much good today. I repaired my car, fixed the problems of two of my soldiers by chewing out my superiors for their mistakes, resolved deeply seeded family problems that my sister had with me, exercised, went for a walk, play some games, wrote a philosophical paper on education (that a department director approved) for submission to the SD City College Dean...

I did wondrous things today, but I'm under a cloud. How fucking retarded.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Let's Just Turn This Shit Right Around

Problems with your relationship? Life getting overwhelming? Moments of trouble for you....ladies? Girls, ladies, women, do you believe in feminism? Or in equality between sexes? Want to be grown-up women? Then I'll treat you like one:

I'm not a doctor, but I'm prescribing you 500ml of cowgirl the fuck up. Awwwww... how cute, it's Pity Me Elmo in its natural habitat. You, the natural evolution of women who have killed large animals with crude spears out of their bare hands and built nations with families of offspring are afraid to approach some random sausage-swinger because a guy from the time when mobile phones were used to call people rejected you?

Boo bloody hoo. You won't get anywhere feeling sorry for your teenage self, and if you keep this shit up you'll be back in ten years saying you're a 38 year old girl who has never been in a successful relationship because once upon a time when computers weren't sentient she was told "no" by a guy who was lost in World War 4.

Tonight you're going to put on a shirt that doesn't say "twenty-three year old virgin", you're going to look up one interesting thing on Wikipedia, and then you're going to tell that interesting thing to no less than three men. Doesn't even fucking matter if you want to shag them or not, you're going to tell them that interesting thing and then you're going to see how long you can hold a conversation with them.

If you're rejected, you look that sausage-swinger dead in the eye and you say "my ancestors ate mutton with their fists", then you walk away and try it on a new one. Don't sulk away, that's expected. That's probably typical of you. You're going to sway away like this happy son of a bitch and you're going to do it with a womanly cocktail in your hand. Ooze estrogen on the ground and proudly declare yourself a sexy bitch, because if you fuck this up then I'm going to half-assedly follow you around from shop to shop yelling a crude "Pussy Bitch" in front of you whilst showing a sign of you in a fugly position having your little hairy legs broken by a monster made of vaginas.

I'll even make this easy on you so you don't boohoo any more than you already are. Erathosthenes, this ancient Greek god who was far better at being a woman than you are, drew the first accurate map of a rounded Earth and knew that we revolved around the sun. Fucking Greeks, they invented democracy when the rest of us were wallowing in our own filth.

Now it's time the boohoo caboose is derailed by Maoist rebels and a whole slew of Indians die. Anything anyone says that doesn't make you angry isn't advice you should bother with. It's going to push you further and further into the delusion that you're anything other than a little black lamb that only gets calls when the handsome lambs need help with codependent care or personal grooming advice.

You're probably highly disinteresting, like so godawfully boring that you tell your finest moment to a guy and he instantly loses any shred of respect he may have had for you. Middle-class white suburbanite who did well in high school but never really fit in with any of the cliques and who was always friends with a guy she longed for but never made any sort of advance so he never really knew you existed? Maybe traveled to Europe or Cancun once after high school and learned so many valuable things about life before returning to hopeful self-reflection and masturbating to previous boyfriends? You meet new people, have one conversation that lasts ten minutes, and then they kind of stop responding to you and you have to fight the urge to ask them if they're still at the keyboard, and when you finally do facebook says "xx is no longer online"?

Your ego is in shreds because you confuse confidence with smuttiness and have to actually justify your looks as "not hideously ugly" on a text-based website where nobody can see you. You shy away from prolonged eye contact and freeze up when making small talk with the till clerk at Subway. Your proudest social moment probably evolves alcohol, bad music, and a few friends who either don't talk with you anymore or who only talk when you initiate the conversation and then only stick to "HAHA I LIKE THE WEATHER. IT IS SUN." because they don't like you enough to learn your opinions on whatever it is you think you're passionate about.

Here's your advice, and I don't expect you'll follow it but maybe if I say "do it." you will because you're incapable of standing up for yourself.

Tomorrow you're going to call one of six guys, any of those in your phone contacts, whichever one you like the most. You're not going to sound angry, nor are you going to sound dejected. You're just going to sound like Audrey fucking Heburn because she's a better woman than you. Here's what you're going to say:

"Heeeyyyy, Audrey Heburn to cute guy. Cute guy, come in. Tonight we're doing dinner and I'll pick you up at eight. Ms Heburn, over."

Why are you going to phrase it like a super model diva voice transmission? Because it's better than "so umm... hi would yOu l..wold, HAHA WOLD I MEANT WOULD, like t-t-to go to dinner please? no? okay...", and of course that's your go-to because you've tried six different times to form a relationship and ended up as a footstool in all of them.

Now you're going to think about one thing you really like. Does he like it as well? If not, think of another thing. Don't you dare think about HAHAUNIVERSITYISFUN_^ or any uninteresting quip about the weather or your humanity major. Brush up on this thing, make it sound interesting in a mirror, and then read up on Audrey Heburn so you know just who you're supposed to be tonight.

That's right. You're going to dinner as Audrey Heburn. Why? Because I told you to. Do it. Wear a nice dress, take a long shower, wear flip-flops unless you're one of the few chicks who only looks good in high-heels that make your legs look longer (which you probably aren't, ms. "not hideously ugly"). Clean your house , your car, and brush your teeth twice (once in the morning and once at 19:30) followed by a proper rinse.

Take him to a restaurant that features a cuisine that isn't hollywood romantic or typically American. No chain restaurants- I swear to god I will hunt you down with a sniper rifle if you take a date to TGI Fridays just to put you out of your misery. Maybe go to a local Russian place or a nice Korean barbecue- anything that sets you apart from other girls. Hell, Ethiopian is fucking delicious and nobody even knows that Ethiopians have food.

Make eye contact, smile slyly, chew with your mouth closed, and mind your legs so you don't bump the table with them. If you're going the "proper" route, do it like it's nothing. Make jokes that you find funny, keep a good conversation pace, and say something interesting about the restaurant's cuisine. Think of yourself as Audrey Heburn, and immediately go back to that persona if you slip up and find yourself in a bout of awkward silence.

After that, take him for an adventure walk in a park if it's warm out or ask him to come watch a movie at your place if it's not. Simple, cheap, and a chance to get closer to him. From there, pace any physical contact well. No "oh hi he looked at me BEND OVER AND FACE DOVER". Be assertive but not overbearing.

If you don't get at least a kiss and an offer of "I'll treat next time" by the end of this date, go through the rest of the guys until you do. If none of them work out, you're doing something wrong and should write off men until you're as interesting as Audrey Heburn.

I just spent ten minutes writing this out. If you puss out like ALL OF THE OTHER GUYS/GIRLS IN YOUR SHOES and stay a bitch, I'm not even going to follow you around half-assedly and remind you to be a woman because quite frankly you're just not worth the effort. Houston to Audrey Heburn, godspeed. Over and out.



How's that for equality? Try that chick.