This is a sweet satisfying confession. Everyone I know, everyone who claims to know me, everyone involved in my life; believes I'm either an alcoholic or a prescription drug addict. This is my fault as I confessed as much to everyone as part of my treatment. Once an addict, always an addict. This is one of the 12 steps. Addiction is a disease, right? Unfortunately no, no it's not. Confessing to being an addict was a part of my treatment, but it wasn't part of my disease. Let me explain.
I can list the prescription medications that I've been prescribed on/off again since I joined the Army in 2006. I can tell you how many loved ones I've confessed depression/anxiety/addiction to. I can tell you I've been in treatment for depression/suicide many times after my Army deployment. I can tell you how many insane asylums I've been in since 2009.
I've been addicted to over 16 different prescription medications since 2008, none of which were classified as "addictive" by my doctors. I've seen 21 different doctors who prescribed these 16 "non-addictive" medications to me, despite my specific requests to not be prescribed "addictive" medications. All 21 of these doctors prescribed or renewed these medications, which I became addicted to. Treatment didn't work for 4 fucking years. All of my doctors forbid me from drinking alcohol as a treatment to withdraw my medications. I drank alcohol anyway and withdrew from all of my medications.
In other words, FUCK. YOU. ASSHOLES.
As of today, August 8th 2012 I am no longer addicted to any medications. I haven't swallowed a single one of my 16 pills since May 2012. EVERY DOCTOR SAID I WOULD DIE IF I STOPPED THESE PILLS. I've been drinking alcohol to cope with the extremely body withdrawal bag of mind-dicked shit fucking goddammit asshole 16 pills I've been taking for 4 chucklefucking years. I ignored it. I ignored 21 doctors and began to withdraw from my 16 medications from April of last year to begin this process. I hung-up their phone calls, trashed their letters, ignored their prescription bills, wrote off their threats of cancellation of insurance/treatment, disregarded their "no-cost" offers of admittance to their psyche ward, etc. In other words, I've been in pain for months, without "doctor" help, and I'm proud of it.
I AM PRESCRIPTION DRUG FREE. No doctor can say I have not been through any known treatment. No doctor can say I haven't been on any particular pill. No doctor can bill me for a prescription. Name a drug, I've been on it. Name a VA/Army doctor, I've seen them. Name a psych ward in San Diego, I've been committed there. I've succeeded and I'm proud.
No one can say I haven't pursued help.
1 comment:
I too Benjamin am so very proud of you. You have truimphed over so much. You are such a strong person. What you have accomplished, is truly amazing. You are absolutely one of the most incredible individuals I've ever met. I love you endlessly my friend.
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