Note

The situation has gone beyond critical. "Suicidal ideation" was just the initial stages. I guess this is one of the many suicides notes I've already written in my mind tonight. I'm sorry is all I can think to say.

I'm glad in a way because no one will have to deal with what I've done with my life any more. I'm glad the pain will go away and that I don't have anyone to pass it on to. I'm sorry because I know the impact this will cause on people who care about me, who tried to care about me, but despite their best efforts couldn't help. But at least their pain will be temporary. Their grief will come and go and eventually fade. But the pain will end.

My pain doesn't have an end. It comes and goes and stays. It lingers in the good times and crushes me violently in the quiet normal. It's like I've exposed myself to a fatal disease from the risks I've taken and now I'm trying to bleed myself healthy. I'm just choosing to end it with the ultimate transfusion. It's either this or a permanent IV with regular happy chemo for the rest of my life, just being miserable but alive, which is somehow the "good" way to do it.

What can describe this? Pushing a snow shovel in a straight line until you're in a tunnel so deep and dark you've forgotten the color white. I cannot remember the last time I was happy, except when I was last good and drunk, but that only makes me feel guilty. It's like I slowly became a meth/heroin/coke addict but my drug dealer is my own brain. Understanding would be nice, but that seems to much to ask for. I can't even explain how painful this is.

Seek help they say. Well, fuckers, what haven't I tried yet? Any drug cocktail mixed with some type of group/individual in/out-patient therapy I haven't done? Did a new edition of the same book come out? I don't know how many times I've rolled this stone up the hill, but I don't think anyone could hold it against me for long that I finally just let it roll me over. Suicide may be painful for others, purely hedonistic for me, but one thing it's not is immoral.