Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Let's Reverse Gender Roles for a bit

Now, as you probably well know, I'm not the most social adapt person in the world. Yes, that's a misnomer, because I'm really just socially fucking retarded. I randomly get the urge to punch people in the face in public places, I've thrown wedding guests over my shoulder when they tapped it to say hello, and I slur and stutter my words/thoughts with expressively specific hand gestures while talking on the phone. Those faults being known to you dear readers, let's try to complete a typical male routine involving a request to accompany a girl to food.

First, realize how much preparation it takes to ask a girl, whether they be a platonic friend or a romantic date interest, to food. You need to start by setting aside some time. After work, before you crawl into PJs, some day you need to prepare as the day you're going to ask the girl out for food on a day you're prepared to sacrifice all of your wants/needs. Prepare the preparation. You'll need to remember two things during this time: money and every little thing she might want before/during/after food.

Once you get those two things settled you'll need to call your work and arrange time off. Saving a few hundred dollars for asking a girl out to food is pretty fucking difficult, but trust me, you need to have saved money and time in case she actually says "yes" to your social invitation. Call your friends and tell them you're "busy" with the hope of a positive response from the girl you're asking out. Make reservations at the restaurant in accordance with what you imagine will be a positive social environment for eating food. Be sure the restaurant local is in coordination with the social plans she wants. Make plans for after dinner that are entertaining, social, engaging, adventurous in accordance with attire, and hilariously fun. Don't forget to do laundry and plan your excellent sense of fashion/hygiene ahead of time. Remember to prepare your manners and politeness.

Keep in mind you haven't even asked the girl out yet, but LOL it's no big deal, right????

Since the logistics are now ready, let's prepare your mental/emotional state. I know you've done a lot already; saving hundreds of dollars, cleaning your car/house, clearing your schedule of work/friends, but you've really only just begun. You've already invested so much into making sure she'll have no problems accepting your invitation that you'll probably just now realize she might just say "No thank you" and be done with you. What do you do when you're rejected? What happens to those emotions and investments you made in preparation for her wishes?

If you're a guy reading this you know exactly what happens next, because you have gone through this. If you're a girl reading this, you need to read the title again and figure out exactly how much you need to start going through in order to socialize with guys who don't just want to get their dick wet, because I guarantee no girl has ever gone through the above, especially that last paragraph. Nice guys finish last, ladies, because you won't.

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