Reject, disregard, and dismiss as nothing those opinions or peoples that make you feel guilty or ashamed. The most difficult mental and emotional task I have ever attempted to is reject and dismiss the approval and disapproval of others. In fact, I don't think I can even accomplish it using only my mental and emotional facilities. I have to bring in the physical. Either by severe pain or severe pleasure, I need to train myself not to regard the opinions of other people.
At first, this seemed counter-productive, almost counter-intuitive. After all, are we not, as individuals, meant to be a part of others, as part of a larger group of individuals in community? One can reject and dismiss the needs from and obligations to a community only so much. But what of the need for intimacy and fulfillment, specifically the inherent desire of all people to "help" or "benefit" or "love" others? This is not a heroic desire, despite what popular culture sources exemplify, but an innate one. How do we determine the differential between investing ourselves in others and allowing others an investment in ourselves?
We only allow them so much. We are a privately traded stock, non-negotiable and not available on any social or public trading market in the world. Neither Microsoft nor Google nor China nor the entire U.S. federal reserve could make an offer to invest in our personal success. So it should come as no surprise that a solitary doctor's or family member's or friend's opinion cannot afford an investment in our self-directed path toward happiness. They have no say, nor do they (or would they) risk anything on it.
As such, my personal influence of self-worth and moral-compassing needs to be drastically reduced, nearly cut-off from others. I'm talking reducing the size from a chicken wire fence to cheese cloth. The fuck offs, fuck yous, and fuckthatshits need to grow like weeds. The truth only needs to be the size of a mustard seed, fuck all else.
1 comment:
I agree with this completely. I may not know all that you are referencing, but pieces that you have shared with me should not determine your self-worth. I know there is no way for me to easily just say to turn off your need for approval and love, but Benjamin, I feel as if these people who should be your support system are the furthest thing from it. You are an amazing person. I have told you this and shown you this repeatedly through our friendship. I just wish I could make you believe it. If you could for one minute see yourself through my eyes, you would then maybe not have their opinions weigh so heavily on you.
Please do increase the fuck-offs and fuck-yous, it's long over do. If I could stand next to you and say it with you I would. Hell, I'd say it first!
I love you Ben.
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