The State

Three cups of coffee with sugar and creamer, followed by two cocktails or beers all within one hour.

That is the formula of drugs/narcotics I need to be at my absolute very best every day. If I follow this formula, I am 100% stress free, happy, motivated, and productive for at least 3-5 hours. This, despite mid-night nightmare awakenings of me killing others or myself. It doesn't matter. I've adjusted and am free and clear of last night's activities.

This is normal. This is what I need to be normal. And yet, this is impossible. My doctor not only gives me direct orders to not drink coffee/caffeine or alcohol, but says I need to stop what I'm doing in order to talk to a psychologist in order to do something. Even further, he prescribed me Valium against my wishes (that I'll throw away as soon as I get them) in order to substitute this formula from my routine.

Well, fuck you. I'm happy, functional, growing, and consistent on my own. Fuck your drugs. Fuck your recommendations. Fuck your therapy and "treatment". Fuck stopping my own growth while I pursue your prescribed growth.

My only problem right now: I feel guilty for using this tried and true method of happiness, fulfillment of potential, and growth. Is there some morally correct way I'm supposed to be doing this? I don't know. But, nevertheless, EVERY FUCKING DOCTOR tells me I'm doing it wrong. I feel guilty.

Yet, here I stand, I cannot do otherwise. I'm going to school, even in-class courses, going over to friends' houses for social events, earning good grades, etc. BULLFUCKINGSHIT IF THIS WAS POSSIBLE UNDER DOCTORS' ORDERS. I'm happy and I will defend it to the death. Fuck Valium. Fuck therapy. I'm doing everything I need to, through apathy despite all else.