I Hear the Words

Hearing the music from outside
I wander in the dimly lit room
Colors near, silhouettes far
I look for a chair, for my space
I need my space, my privacy, my mood lighting
I have so much to do today.
I slip down into my nervous skin
feel the weight of my own feet put pressure on the ground
The chair shifts slightly as I lean forward
and cover my face to hide from the floor.
I need an open channel, a medium for communication
I need my paycheck so I can pay my bills
Breathing control, concentrate, knock, seek
I listen, perhaps He is trying to talk to me?
I hear the music, the voices, the noises,
the Sunday morning service
Let us simplify
I hear the words
They tell me to exalt Him, to lift Him up
I want to talk to Him first, to explain myself
I introduce myself to Him every week
Again, they say exalt Him
The repetition is soothing, but I know all of these songs have a chorus
How do I talk to Him?
My channel is not yet open to Him,
I do not feel connected. I want to belong.

I have not forgotten You
You were the One I have felt, nearly touched.
You were the One who took away my ability
to control my own body for two hours on October 19, 2001
You were the One they told me I had received,
and You were the One who numbed my pain.
You gave me chills and tickled my feet.
I had forgotten these, even though I tattooed my arm to help remember,
so I am sure I have forgotten many others.

Give me a command Lord.
I want to be doing the right thing, right now
even if it is only for a brief moment.
I have some change in my left pocket, does anybody need it?
What do you want me to do? To be? To go?
I sit silently waiting, pretending to be praying.
Waiting.
My attitude must not be right.
Did I say something wrong?
I’m trying to do the right thing.
Let us simplify
I hear the words
They tell me to exalt Him, to lift Him up
I remember You

They told me I was a fool for wanting You to make me happy
They said I was lazy
They mocked me
But You, You inspired me.
You pulled me.
You persuaded me.
You wooed me.
You proved your ownership with Almighty pleasure.
You put Glory in front of my eyes and said,
“See Me.”
You spoke to me calmly.
You changed me.
You made me taste. You made me drink.
You made me, the sworn enemy of Your methods, love You.
Amazing
I love You.
I love exactly how I feel right now.
I can sit, sing, read, sleep, or dance.
You have demonstrated power over me
I do not complain

We are introduced again
I know who I am
from experiencing You
Experience, trumping all skeptics
I smile, chuckle, laugh and cry
I know what I should be doing
Should? Who would use such a word for worship?
I am loved, I am broken, I am compelled
I am happy
I exalt You, I lift You up
without lifting anything
I know exactly where I belong
Here, right here, in my space
In my room, in Your house
Singing, thinking, praying, reading You
I exalt You
I am so small and perfect in this place
I exalt You, the repetition so soothing
I praise You, an extremist converted
I lift You up