This is going to be ironic. You'll see. My last therapy session I was given an "ABC Worksheet" to fill out every day. Under the "A" section for "Activating Event" I am supposed to write about something that happens, under the "B" section for "Beliefs" I am supposed to write about what I tell myself about the event, and under the "C" section for "Consequences" I am supposed to write about how I feel.
Two things you should know. First, I take two milligrams of Klonopin per day. I am also on Paxil, which as you will note, gives you cravings for alcohol. Second, I am not supposed to drink alcohol, both due to the drugs and the moral impression I give my "support system" about my recovery. So, let's begin with the worksheet for today.
Currently, I've had two Captain and Cokes on ice and feeling pretty damn good about myself. Not really, that's a lie, I feel terribly guilty because I am drinking.
Section A - Activating Event: I am drinking and want to drink more.
Section B - Beliefs: I am an alcoholic. I am an unlikeable loser and failing recovery. I should be stronger (I am a soldier after all), but I am quite pathetic as both a civilian and a soldier.
Section C - Consequences: I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel used. I feel out of control of myself and deserving of disregard and disrespect.
See the irony yet? I have a problem with drinking and wanting to drink so I'm drinking and writing about wanting to drink. On a piece of paper. On a blog. Is this really treatment??? Seems silly. But we're not done.
At the bottom of the ABC Worksheet are two questions. The first is this: "Are my thoughts in 'B' realistic?" Now, how do I really answer this? I'm on drugs that give me cravings for alcohol, yet I shouldn't drink, and so I feel guilty about it. I'm on drugs that give me these cravings, bad ones. So, I think I should honestly answer "Yes, I am a medicated, functional alcoholic." Now, who exactly and "realistically" likes functional alcoholics? Who thinks they are making progress in recovery? For whatever root reason, alcoholics drink to cover it up or coop with it, as do I. Now, who ever felt that alcoholics were decent citizens? Not me, I pity them. Like I do myself, I guess. Or perhaps I'm being too polar with the issue. Whatever. I need a refill, straight up this time, before I get to the next question.
Ok. How can I avoid thinking section "B" in the future?
....
I don't know.
I just talked to both my sister and my mother about this question. Both of whom agree that I do not know how to be loved. They're concerned and want to help me, but I just don't know how to accept their help. Great. I guess I'll just wait for the therapist to tell me.
2 comments:
I think I will agree with your mom and sister. Don't close certain parts of you off.
Are the cravings uncontrollable or are you feeding into them? If section B is bothering you to the extent you say, what about switching to a different medication (maybe you have done this)?
Remember the situation can no longer be "It is what it is." It must be "I did what I could do." Is this all that you can do to change your actions; to in turn change your feelings about being an alcoholic?
Thank you again for sharing. I was hoping you would write soon. :)
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I came to your blog today because I was looking for blogs about the Fort Leonard Wood Boot Camp experience. I have a friend who will be starting his third week soon. I came first to this post so full of something I have no words for. As a recoverd alcoholic (whatever that means) I can feel for you but I can't reach you today. Please try to remember that the bible says, "It came to pass." It did not come to stay. I have been somewhere near where you are: caught up in my me totally. Now, I essentially place no blame nor do I do guilt. I wish you freedom from your demons.
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