Body Over Mood

I have come to believe in a sort of philosophy that I hate. But whether I like it or not, the effects that certain causes have on my life do so with a sincere indifference to my personal tastes. And for the record, no, I don't like it. I hate it. I hate believing that pushing myself to go through something will make me feel better. This is not a convenient belief. I also hate it because it requires will power, something I very much enjoy jettisoning at nearly every opportunity. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the directly caused effects that my body has on my mind and my feelings exists with sincere regret on my part. My feelings will never change toward this belief, much like my feeling will not change towards pain. It hurts, I hate it. So that's that.

Nevertheless, it is true. My body affects my mind and mood. (I'm sure there exists a scientific explanation for this, but I don't really care for science much). Lately, I have been rather indifferent or depressed. So, I started making some changes. First, I put a big fan in my room and run it on high every night. Every time I get into bed it is breezy and cold, forcing me to use more blankets and wrap them more tightly. I hate the cold, but enjoy the blankets, so I'm happier. I also bought a shit load of scented candles, more than one of which can be found flickering every day somewhere in my room. I hate lighting them, but lavender and camomile are great scents for stress. The damn things burn out too soon, but walking into my room immediately relaxes me.

Even more recently I have found myself going to extremes with this. I bought Fish Oil pills. Apparently, 2000mg of Omega-3 is rumored to help moods. Fish Oil, okay, whatever. During the afternoons I go jump into the rather frigid and unoccupied community pool. The cold water starts my indifferent heart beating like shock paddles. I'll get out, lay out in the sun until I'm relatively dry, then jump in again. Shock therapy, I guess.

Just before writing this, I threw about 30 vitamin E “liquid gels” into a hot bath, along with some camomile tea bags, and just for the hell of it, a little aloe. And now look at me, whereas before the bath I sat down to write and only got as far as “shock therapy,” I'm now typing away. Weird. I drink both hot tea and iced lemonade at the same time. I listen to music I am not in the mood to listen to and end up singing to my computer equalizer. I'm currently drinking an Airborne ice water even though I'm not sick, it just has vitamins.

I find myself thinking “what senses have I not yet challenged?” and end up with some new, weird, juxtaposed event. How can I screw with my body more? I'm not trying to be a masochist, but I might be trying to be something similar. I will always hate knowing that such trivial things can affect me so strongly. But for now, these behaviors are beating the crap out of my indifference and depression. Without directly trying to relax, I am. That bugs me, but it works. So, I'm going to go brush my teeth with teeth-whittening bubble gum.