Since when did marriage become the jaded reason for every married persons' existence? At what point did marriage excuse people from dealing with their own individual problems? Did the vows, kids, careers, or money change the definition of responsibility? Since when did the practice of using the words 'I love you' to cover up unloving actions become so popular? At what point did the fact that people change become incompatible with marriage vows? Or monogamy? Or spirituality?
Many married people I know are going through issues. No problem, right? We all go through issues. But here is my personal issue: no married person I know thinks an unmarried person can understand or provide insight into their 'marriage' problems. Sorry, but I take that personally. At what point did a marriage cease to be a intimate relationship? I've had my fair share of such relationships, making ridiculous and reprehensible mistakes in each one, such that I learned more about myself and relationships through each one. Just because I did not make any vows, nor did I live with my x-girlfriends, does not make my opinion shallow.
Are you actually suggesting that I cannot see when you're being selfish? Or that your wife is just an egotistical bitch who cares more about her career and self-image than you? Or that your self-worth is wrapped up in him? Do you not see for yourself that he has let you down and that's okay? Do you know what you were expecting from marriage? I've heard that expectations are premeditated regrets, so do you think that's true? I've been in codependent relationships, so can I not recognize codependency? I've been controlled and controlling, so can I not advise on self-control and boundaries?
Let's make one more thing perfectly clear: there is no such thing as a Christian marriage. Marriage is not God-ordained, it is a social institution. It is an agreement between two individuals that actually requires both parties to live out their lives together. A Christian marriage is an invention by the Christian church that requires people to live out their lives and their marriage according to Christian principles. In other words, a donut with frosting is still a donut.
Believe it or not, there really isn't anything spiritual about marriage. Otherwise, every atheist on the planet wouldn't be able to get or stay married. Since when did we over-spiritualize and over-romanticize marriage to be somehow 'above' a personal and practical social relationship? There are forty year old married couples that still fight! Fighting is a part of marriage. Conflict, change, bills, and doing the fucking dishes are a part of marriage. What is so spiritual or romantic about that?
So then, why do we look for spiritual or romantic solutions to marital problems? God is not putting you through trials right now, you're being insecure that your wife isn't interested in you anymore, and you're probably right. God has nothing to do with it. Your three month long engagement and five year marriage did not turn out to be 'what was meant to be'. So no, you're not leaving the One person you were meant to be with. You cannot fix your marriage just because you're supposed to stay married. Very simply, it might have started with a simple mistake that has grown to have enormous personal consequences. Believe me, you're not an abnormality here. I'm single, I know.
Can we please start to be more practical and less romantic/spiritual about marriage? It is quite necessary to do so. Generally, a visit to your local secular therapist will do more for you and your marriage than a Christian counselor or pastor. I would like to see marital problems be worked out in healthy ways such as learning communication, tolerance, personal growth, and even divorce rather than cheating, lying that violates trust, having open marriages, manipulation, and ugly battles for control.
7 comments:
What an interesting topic for your to tackle.
" You cannot fix your marriage just because you're supposed to stay married." I like this. I think a lot of people really believe this.
This is even better: " I would like to see marital problems be worked out in healthy ways such as learning communication, tolerance, personal growth, and even divorce rather than cheating, lying that violates trust, having open marriages, manipulation, and ugly battles for control." Sometimes things need to be ended before you completely kill it and destroy yourself or the other person.
Marriage is such an interesting aspect of life to figure out. It is full of every emotion life has to offer.
I value your opinion about making marriages Christian. I have heard so much about taking vows and not living up to your word you made with God. I feel it is just another way for people to criticize a choice that has been made that they don't agree with.
Thanks for sharing. I've missed your thoughts.
~
come on. . .tell me this is a joke and we can go on with our lives. is this really how you see marriage?
Brian,
Yes, this is how I see marriage. No, it is not a joke. Yes, let's get on with our lives.
Hi Ben,
greetings.
i just wrote something on spirituality and relationship in my blog. i would love to hear ur comment as well.
peace!
In regards to...
"Let's make one more thing perfectly clear: there is no such thing as a Christian marriage. Marriage is not God-ordained, it is a social institution. It is an agreement between two individuals that actually requires both parties to live out their lives together. A Christian marriage is an invention by the Christian church that requires people to live out their lives and their marriage according to Christian principles. In other words, a donut with frosting is still a donut."
I agree.
Hi Ben,
How did you come to believe this statement: "Let's make one more thing perfectly clear: there is no such thing as a Christian marriage. Marriage is not God-ordained, it is a social institution"?
Our government and society adopted the term marriage from the Bible - human beings have made it a social institution. Marriage is not romanticized in the Bible - society romanticizes the relationship. Male and females are distinct expressions of the image of God. The oneness of sexual intimacy experienced in marriage is symbolic of biblical salvation, and the fullest expression of the image of God.
Just because people become very short sighted and superficial in their marriage relationships doesn't mean that is what it is meant to be. Principles can be applied in anyone's life, but accepting Christ as your savior is an entirely different decision and outcome.
You are right about trying to fix the marriage out of social obligation. If two people want to do what they want there's no fixing it.
However, in a spiritual context, each individual needs to get right with God first as well as work on practical everyday application of expressing love to each other and this would just be the first step at rebuilding the marriage.
-SM
SM-
I cannot respond to everything you stated, but I understand it and appreciate your input. I’ll just respond to what you asked me. I came to believe there is no such thing as a Christian marriage because I realized how silly and harmful it was adopt any social behavior or law as inherently “Christian.” Monogamous marriage existed before the Bible, even before the Torah in Jewish law, so it was first a social institution. I believe that saying one marriage is “Christian” while another is simply a social institution is exactly the sort of religious elitism that Jesus exposed and condemned. We might as well say that there are “Christian” parents, “Christian” countries, and “Christian” friendships. In searching for “oneness” or whatever symbolical relationship “Christian” marriages pursue, most end up becoming entirely co-dependent, emotionally or physically abusive, legalistic, judgmental, and self-righteous above all. I believe this is why far more Christian marriages end up in divorce than non-Christian marriages. In a secular marriage, one partner can simply say “I’m feeling neglected because you devote so much time to work,” while in a Christian marriage, most partners say “I am being neglected because you are avoiding our God-ordained marriage to spend your time elsewhere, which is unbiblical.” While in the secular marriage a person can be honest and speak for themselves, in a Christian marriage each person is accountable not to each other but to the marriage itself, inherently creating a battleground on Christian duty and biblical interpretation rather than a simple discussion on personal emotions and practical relationship needs. Even Christian divorces are almost always justified by one partner as being “the Biblical thing to do” under the circumstances. It’s just silly. The bottom line is that I think calling a marriage “Christian” immediately makes it a worshipable idol for both partners, which is bad.
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