It seems to me that history's most ruthless tyrants were those individuals whose professional egoism did not allow themselves to be laughed at. One cannot laugh about all of the circumstances in life or characteristics of self, but certainly there are a few that are quite entertaining. In fact, my most humorous characteristics are those that would otherwise appear as the most serious flaws.
For example, I have developed the habit of associating a self-centered daydream with ever song I listen to. The daydreams typically involve myself as the center of attention and a selected audience. For John Mayer's “Your Body is a Wonderland,” I am singing said song in a small club to an audience of fond friends and one particularly impressed, attractive woman. For ACDC's “You shook me all night long,” I am singing said song at a karaoke night at the local bar. Of course, David Crowder's “Obsession” I sing in front of church at a special worship night. For the Last of the Mohican's Soundtrack (track two in particular) I am part of a special operations unit in the Army defending the homes of some friends from brutal ninja-like terrorists.
Through these and other childish imaginations I have fought a starship in an X-wing, beat an Ethiopian in a cross-country race, outdanced the best breaker on “So You Think You Can Dance,” tackled LaDamian Tomlinson for a prize-winning rookie opportunity, used The Force to make my friends fly, shot a bee off a deer's butt at 1,000 yards with my own rifle, kicked the crap out of some high school bullies as Raiden from Mortal Kombat, took friends on a joy ride in an F-22 Raptor, etc. This list truly never ends because it is always being created. I can be a hero, a saint, a lover, a wise man, a legend, or even a superhero. Truly, if I were to take this too seriously, my egoism could make even Hitler blush. There is only a slight seriousness in that I am able to see the weaknesses in my own self-worth through my dreams. I can look at these dreams and know my insecurities without even thinking hard. But even these cannot be taken too seriously. One does not see a child being condemned by their parents for a having dreams of what they will be when they grow up. And, in fact, I am still growing up.
My most frequent dreams are those involving the women I have loved, or perhaps, wanted love from. Again, a serious flaw if one were to pay too much attention to the negative effects. But the innocence in which I dream about them must be understood in no more serious terms than that of a romantic and oversensitive language of thought. To those romantic interests, at the extreme, I have been a provider, protector, and cherisher of them. I have flown across the world to wish them a happy birthday, given them expensive gifts grown from the intimacy of inside jokes, sang them songs I have written about them while kissing them, worked 60 hours a week in a cubicle just so they could have the car they wanted, been a good father, made them laugh harder than they did while being tickled as a child, played and prayed with them, etc. These are my fondest dreams because they create in me such a blissful feeling of relief.
However, a serious character flaw is represented by these daydreams such that it indicates a desire for a woman, any woman, to make me feel complete. Such is not a desirable quality for any man in a relationship, because the woman would know that she was completely unnecessary, and that any woman would do for him. How would you feel if your partner wanted someone to love and be loved by, but not you specifically? In contrast, how would you feel if they wanted you specifically, with all of themselves, and without any regard to another? To sum up, at the worst, my daydreams are indicative of my desire to simply be accepted and loved for who I am. Surely, this cannot be all that wrong; perhaps foolish, but not evil. It is a delicate balance of egoism and silly daydreams growing up into self-controlled passion. I must not give it its head, but I must also maintain its innocence with a sense of humor. Anyway, I'm working on it.
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