The Importance of Listening

I read a book a few years ago that changed my perspective on every relationship and friendship I’ve ever had and will ever have. The book is called The Lost Art of Listening. It’s a deadly accurate and well-written instruction on how to listen. I never thought listening was important enough to write a book about. I was wrong, dead wrong. I’ll summarize what I can:

In common practice, listening is usually the time spent during a conversation when we either reflect on our own part of a story, start constructing a reply, or prepare some insight for advice. We listen so that we can respond, because we believe we are expected to. If someone calls us for help, we listen so that we might figure out how to can help. If someone speaks in anger or frustration, we listen defensively or we withdraw. In other words, we react when we listen. We do not know how to listen objectively. We listen with reactionary and lazy minds. We do not empathize. In short, we do not realize the importance of simply and actively listening to each other.

Ironically, I wasn’t inspired to read this book until I realized I get really annoyed when people are not listening to me. I thought, “Hey, maybe this will teach me how to get people to understand me.” People can always tell when you’re not listening: shifty eyes, easily distracted, interruptions, spacing out, call waiting, etc. I know you can relate to this. Ever talk to a loved one about some difficulty you were having? Have they ever responded with, “I don’t know what to tell you,” “Try harder,” or “I can’t really relate?” I don’t know of anyone who talks about their difficulties solely so they can get advice, be told to work harder, or wanted someone to tell their own story. In fact, this response only leads the speaker to feel isolated, neglected, or even abandoned at times. Is it any wonder why one of the leading complaints in relationships is that one partner feels the other is not listening to them or their needs?

What do you need to start listening effectively? There are really only two goals: the first is to attain knowledge from the speaker, and the second is to be completely available to the speaker. When attaining knowledge, it is important to understand the difference between what is being said and what is meant.

For example, if someone is speaking in frustration or anger, does that mean they are angry with you? A good question to ask yourself in this situation is this: do they want to vent or do they want advice? Listen to their intent so that you’ll know how to listen to what is being said. “Dang, I was driving to work, I was in a hurry, and THREE DIFFERENT CARS cut me off!” Put yourself in their shoes. Do they want advice? Probably not, the situation is over. Do they want to vent? Yeah, probably. So now, you can begin to empathize by exploring their perspective.

Observe their body language when speaking, tone, emphasis on emotions or events, repetition. Then, keep the conversation going by encouraging them to talk about those things. “You sound understandably upset, did you get to work late?” “How did you react to them?” “Was everything going okay before they cut you off?” “How did the rest of the day go for you?” Put yourself in their situation. Find out how deep their thoughts/feelings go. Don’t be surprised if they move to a different topic or event. Be available enough for them to fill your head with their perspective. Follow them in their feelings/thoughts/stories, let them guide you into each one. Emotional topics are hard to effectively listen to, because you need to transcend into their world and the suspension of your needs is complete. But, in order to listen effectively, you must be completely available to the speaker. You are theirs. Once they stop or pause in conversation, simply encourage them to give you more knowledge about their feelings/thoughts by asking insightful knowledge-seeking questions or simply saying, “Tell me more.” Do not turn the conversation to yourself. Good listening really does take more effort than it does to speak.

In contrast, how does it feel when you are truly listened to? Important. Cared about. Understood. How would you feel if someone effectively listened to you talk about whatever you wanted? What if, after you went off for a while, they said, “I enjoyed listening to you, but keep going! I want to hear more!” Loved. “What is your opinion about…?” “I’d like to hear your thoughts on….” Respected. When you truly listen to people, you treat them like a blessing, not a burden. It is clear when someone is and is not listening to you. It is unbelievably important.