Today's visit to our government's finest

Today I visited two of the greatest government institutions ever created: the DMV and (yes, that is a conjuctive AND) traffic court. Based on my definitive experience today, I have a fool-proof method of converting a liberal to the right. I shall explain.

On December 14, 2005 I received a ticket for not having the correct address on my driver's license. For this I was incredibly grateful, because the officer clocked me at 53 mph in a 35 mph zone. My court date was set for February 2, 2006 at which I was to present a "proof of correction." I knew that I would be moving my permanent address back to my parents' house, which is the current address on my driver's license. So, based on this incredibly bad sense and laziness, I didn't show up to the court to present my new, very temporary, driver's license address.

On March 3, I received a letter from "AllianceOne" the collection agency. The bill was for $463. Apparently I owed $163 for the citation AND $300 for the collection agency's "civil assessment." Needless to say, I began to see the light, er, green.

This morning I visited the DMV. The DMV was a simple line to wait in, with some of America's most stereotypical Walmart shoppers. As for the DMV itself, I was out of there in two hours with, of course, nothing resolved. I cannot change my address since the paperwork takes 10 business days to process. This, of course, would be a crime for me to do, because once it goes into effect, my address will have changed.

On to court. I find parking (believe me, a significant accomplishment), go through "airport" screening, get frisked, and take a number. Exactly 52 minutes later my number is called. I go to the counter, and, of course, I'm waiting in the wrong line. There was no need to take a number like everyone else, obviously!!! Go to counter #2. Okay. On to counter #2.

Counter #2 has a line at it, but a much shorter one, and moving much faster than the "number people" are being called. (Haha bitches!! Sucks for you not to be in collections!!") I get to the front only to find that the person sitting at the counter has only one valuable function: she tells me "Please sign in." I did. "Thank you, please wait for your name to be called." Okay. Back to the waiting room.Ever had to wait in a principal's office? That's what this felt like. No one is friendly. Everyone is in trouble, preparing to present their best lie to get out of it, and always on the defensive. Fidgeting silence. Exactly 44 minutes and 21 seconds later, my name is called. I am here. Finally. The lady is nice, polite, and smiling. God is good!! I explain my situation, she listens and understands. She then gives me a card with a time on it (11:15), tells me I will need to wait and see the commissioner (judge). "Please, really, do I have to?" "Yes." Okay. Back to the principal's office.

At 11:45, a sherriff appears and invites everyone who has a card with 11:15 on it to follow him through a door. I rush to the door. He warns "us" not to push. Fuck you buddy, I want out. Fifty people file in, I was second. To my surprise, we go into a courtroom. We are briefed on how to plead, how to present evidence, and how to avoid getting thrown into jail. Huh? I was about to say, "but I didn't commit any crime," but I was pretty sure I would be echoed by everyone else who entered the courtroom. I guess I'll just sort it out with the judge.

Each person presents their case into a microphone in front of the judge with everyone else in the courtroom. "Mr. X, you're charged with speeding, driving without proof of insurance, driving with a suspended license, and driving with a child under 6 in the car without a carseat, how to you plead to each of the charges?" I exchange blank stares with others in the audience. The address was wrong on my driver's license. I don't belong here. I don't. Help.

My turn comes. "Mr. Smith, you're charged with having the wrong address on your driver's license, how do you plead?" "Guirdurly... er huum, guilty." "Have you got it fixed?" "No, I moved back to my old address." "Okay, so why weren't you here on February 2nd?" I was about to say, "Because I'm stupid, sir," but I let this fade away after a few seconds and said, "No excuse, sir." "Okay, that's $155 for the citation and $100 for the failure to appear, go wait for your name to be called." Okay. Damn. But, okay.

Ever leave the principal's office after getting out of trouble? People are elated, friendly, and jubilant. We joke and poke fun for about 20 minutes, until we realize we're waiting in the principal's office again. The "others" are staring somberly. 45 minutes after leaving the courtroom, my name is called. They swipe my Visa, and I'm gone.

And finally...
HOW TO CONVERT A LIBERAL:

An afternoon at the DMV and traffic court will make any voter jump at the opportunity to cut government spending. After taking numbers, waiting in the wrong lines, waiting in the right lines, being grouped with pre-inmates, and paying ridiculous fines that fund this Alice in Wonderland circle jerk, any male or female will think twice about passing new legislation to fund "our growing infrastructure."

Perhaps we should place voting booths outside the DMV and traffic court. My, how the world would change.