Just A Reminder

This is a letter for me tomorrow. Yesterday you drank a beverage containing some form of alcohol and/or high caffeine (coffee or tea). You do not feel nearly as good as you did yesterday. Your energy is low and you feel exhausted. You have a headache and did not sleep well last night. You are telling yourself you're a piece of shit and forming explanations as causes for low self-worth. Let me remind you of why you did what you did yesterday while knowing what would happen to you today:

Yesterday, while you were consuming whatever type of beverage CONFLICTS WITH YOUR MEDICATION, you were creative. You were on point, on target, focused, calm, non-delusional, assertive with respect, productive, secure, and quite happy. The reason you drank/ate said "chemical contradictions" is so you would feel that way, and at least, get something done. In other words, you did what you could to make yourself do what you wanted to do. No person, no human, ever, in the history of existence, or commas, has ever, done anything, different. People do whatever fulfills their deepest satisfaction for happiness. This was your purpose and your goal, and you succeeded.

In case you're doubting that, let's recap yesterday's events starting AFTER you had finished your first TWO cups of coffee. You had a stable conversation with your landlord about renewing your lease and correcting some of the landscaping deficiencies around your house. Through BOTH email and telephone conversations with multiple people, you arranged packing and plans for this weekend's Army drill. Again, through BOTH email and telephone conversations with multiple people, you arranged for contact with one of your "lost" professors and spoke intelligently with the OFFICE OF THE DEAN OF COMPUTER SCIENCE at your college. You completed two homework assignments for one of your courses. You worked on a final project for another. You called and left a voicemail message with a friend. You texted another. You posted and commented on other posts on Facebook. You downloaded a few movies and T.V. shows, incorporating them into your database for easy viewing. I could go on, but there is no point.

You still feel like crap. The science behind this is simple, even if the explanation is not. The science says that any decrease or increase of blood pressure, motor functions, anything that effects mental reasoning, or diet will fuck you up. Your negative mood, attitude, feelings, or thoughts are the result of conflicting chemical reactions. You knew what you were doing yesterday. You knew it would work, both then and now. You knew it would affect you here and now and until the reaction ceases to exist.

This is not a moral wrong. This is not harmful to you. This is a neutral cause and effect. You are not an alcoholic, a drug addict, nor an addict to anything at all. Remember, remember that your DOCTORS WANT YOU TO BE ADDICTED TO VALIUM OR VICODIN OR CLONOPIN. You refused, and continue to do so. Vodka, beer, and rum are nothing compared to that. Coffee, soda, or straight sugar are nothing compared to that. Fuck them, you knew and know yourself best.

I know you've stopped reading. I know you've stopped listening. I know you don't want to hear it. But, just in case you're here, just in case you care, just remember that you don't care. Apathy is your cure. Indifference is your motto and motivation. Whatever results from those says nothing good or bad about you, but is exactly what you expected. You know this shit! You are who you planned to be, good or bad, who cares? Indifference Benjamin, Indifference. Beyond that, the motivation, action, and vision will come. Fuck good, fuck bad, fuck them, you've got this shit. You really do. Because today, in this moment of chemical contradiction, you were honest. Yourself.