Hopeless, Helpless, and Alone

For the past three days I have been wearing headphones. They are big muffs, very soundproof. I've been staring at a black rectangle, with a few smoke breaks, one meal, and some drinks of water in between. I have shut the world out of me, just as it has just me out. I have been squinting and squeezing my eyes so hard at times, but I still haven't been able to shed just one tear. I sit in my room with a box fan cooling me off while I sweat out the heat. When I go to bed, I point the breeze in my direction, so when I wake up from nightmares covered in sweat, I feel more sad than frightened.

On the black rectangle I watch things, things that keep my mind and senses out of my environment. Scary things, fighting things, mysterious things, alien things, unreal things. I switch between them pretty rapidly. My face feels like stone, sore for keeping the same position for so many days. My neglected facial hair, feet, armpits, clothes, ears, they itch. I feel as though I am going blind, both to color and the existence of all things. My mind feels dead and my body is functioning without any purpose, every day, all of the time. I have become disgusting, whether or not I was disgusted with myself before, I am now. Formerly, I was accused of many doing many bad things, including having mental problems. Some were true, but most were not. Some bad things they never knew of. My therapist once told me that I am now becoming and doing the very things they accused me of.

Speaking of, my former therapists described my current lifestyle as “avoidance” and “isolation.” These, they said, were symptoms of depression and anxiety. I am no longer allowed to see these therapists because they expelled me from their program. They said my smoke, coffee, and bathroom breaks were “avoidance” and “isolation.” These, they said, were symptoms of depression and anxiety I was apparently not supposed to have. Wait, just there, I just felt something. Anger. I guess that's good, right?

Now, I fear that it would cause me more trouble, and thus more pain, if I called for help. If I turned myself in to the proper authorities, what would they do? They would drug me, perhaps tie me up, sedate me. Once that happened, my recovery would take longer and it would be that much harder. Emergency service do me no good. Oh, how I wish I had a family I could talk to!!!!!! I wish I had people to empathize with me. To seek me out amongst the pain and torture devices that hold me, trap me, and keep me in solitude. I am locked in solitude, stuck, and without relief, or even hope of relief, from any direction, not even above. I am thrown myself off of the throne of grace, whether there was one to exist or not. I am angry that I have not been spared this ludicrous suffering. Damn them who could've spared me, and then damn myself, for I have no where else to go.

Ego Trip

I am a force to be reckoned. Everyone who meets me for the first time seems to know this immediately. I am both a lover and a fighter. Look at my history, my full resume of actions, and you will see this clearly. I have battled both the internal and the external. In college, I fought my philosophy professors who challenged the establishment of religion or theology in the modern world. At the same time, even just hours later, I would attend Bible study and challenge the notions of faith without knowledge, experience without insight, interpretation without perspective. I have few loyalties.

I can hurt people. I am dangerous, and make no mistake of understanding this, safety from me is never guaranteed. I was genetically hardwired as outrageously passionate, strong willed, and mindful. Give me a scholar, a scientist, or a theologian to fight and I will learn their weaknesses and expose them frankly. Hand me a machine, puzzle, or any tangle of knots that I have never before seen and I will see them through. Offer me one to love and I will pour onto them more affection than any poet with song or Buddhist with delightful appreciation. Offer me one to hate and I will go straight to the heart, the self-worth, and the futility of their life. I love a challenge. I would face any Goliath.

My attitude is unrealistic. I have lost more battles than I have won. I have scars, both internal and external. I fought a trained Rottweiler in 5th grade, leaving my arm and back permanently scarred. I have fought deep depression and hopelessness, leaving stretch marks of starvation and gluttony on my back, stomach, and legs. I have fought the bottle, emptying it into myself and flinging it into the street to hear it shatter. I have fought the pills, under blankets and in front of white coats. I have sent myself into more challenges than I can possibly survive, and yet, here I am.

I have stared into the abyss and the abyss has stared into me. I have spent days in absolute solitude with the question of why my life is worth living. Just opening my eyes and sensing the world around me, I have no doubt that I was made for it. Made, made in this exact way, for it. Even with personality altering drugs, hypnotherapy, professionals of identity that put me under a microscope and surgery, I am like I was made to be.

Radical Acceptance

This will be my most deliberate post. I will carefully consider each word, each phrase, each tone, each thought and emotion. This is a radical acceptance of my reality. It is a reality far from my approval, but that's what makes the acceptance so radical. This post might seem like I'm talking to myself, which I partially am, and which the reader might find partially boring. However, at very least it will be honest. This post will take some time. I might need to step away, to relax, to smoke, or to just breath. But I know I can do this. I have been writing my entire life. I have expressed my deepest pains, composed pages of complex philosophy, and even doodled a time when I had no words to describe it. I know I can do this.

I am in pain. I am in pain, but I'm learning not to suffer. I have been in pain before and the suffering came as a result of nonacceptance or judgment of it in my mind. Suffering, the conflict and obsession over the pain, prolongs itself. I learned this dysfunction early in my life, and I lived through it, just as I do so now. My parents, my family, my childhood, was an environment in which I was treated without respect, without understanding, and without support. I was the only boy. I was the adventurous one, the trouble-maker, the risk taker, the rebellious one, the inappropriate one, and the one who did not belong. I have so many memories of events reinforcing these hurts that I have blocked them from my memory, with the only way to retrieve them being a partial hypnosis therapy. I was surrounded by a family of girls and was trained to be emotionally sensitive and vulnerable. The transaction between my family's invalidation and my emotional vulnerability made for a disastrous self-esteem. It left scars. It left me hungering for validation, attention, respect, and love.

Some people would not have reacted this way. Most people would probably have reacted differently. But they are not me. I reacted this way, and in this way I grew up. I grew up with strong passions, emotionally adventurous and vulnerable, looking for love. I grew up strong willed, forcing myself to live up to the highest standards, looking for validation. I grew up smart, thinking, reading, writing, listening, and talking my way towards respect. I grew up with silliness and humor, blissful in attention. I grew up with scars. These scars made me who I was, my baseline personality. At times, they are both my strengths and weaknesses.

The circumstances I faced going to war played heavily on both my strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, most of my experiences hit me hardest where I was most vulnerable. Treated without respect, without understanding, and without support. For this I felt ashamed, a flawed and failed soldier, and one who did not belong, like I was taught to feel. It left scars. I have many memories of events reinforcing these hurts that I have blocked from my memory, only coming to me in flashbacks and nightmares. Because of this, and like before, I need help. I need the help I learned to pursue through friends when family could not provide it. I need the help I secretly pursued on my own through professional therapy, because I was ashamed. I need the help of an emotionally challenging adventure and success. For this, to grow up once again, I need both my strengths and weaknesses.

It has been six months since my return from war and I have made little progress save for the past month or so. Group therapy, four different therapists, three days in a psych ward, and hours of my own research. Two medications to help me sleep, one to disarm my nightmares, one to partially sedate me during the day, and another to alter my depressed mood. After going through more types of medication than I can remember, I have somewhat settled on the right combo. After experimenting with various types of therapy and therapists, I have somewhat settled on what works for me. With a cocktail of powerful medication and a therapy mix of dialectic philosophy and Buddhist meditation, I am coming to rediscovering my baseline. I learned my unique strengths from my unique weaknesses. Some people would not have reacted this way. Most people probably would have reacted differently. But they are not me.

Face The Reality

I don't know if I'll ever get back to the way I was, and the truth of that fact is more than I can bare. I can barely remember it now. I think Hell is a place where one day delivers enough pain to make you feel like you've been there for eternity and lost yourself. So traumatic that nothing else matters, nothing else can be remembered, and nothing else can be felt.

The doctors: the psychiatrists, psychologists, even the orthopedic specialists, all of them, tell me that I will probably never be the same. Not that same is what I want, just that I expected to grow in a positive way, rather than become partially insane. My personality is undergoing a complete transformation into God knows what. I am afraid of myself. To say that I don't know myself would be an almost sadistic comment. I have no idea who I even was, who I am, or who I will be. I am scared of all of the answers to those questions. I simply do not want to be me.

I am stuck in the Grand Canyon rut of personal identity. What I feel and what I think battle each other like they're in the most righteously desperate of wars over the truth of me. The feeling side is winning by a dramatic margin. I fear that I have lost everything that I was, everything that I am, and everything that I will be. I used to be so many things, so many things that so many people thought were good, and each of them I now mourn as if my soul has given up all attachments and I am now left with this pathetic shell of a person.

I have run out of tears many times this week over marathon hours of shedding them. My eyes are sore, left with the salty crystals, blurry vision, and rashes from rubbing away my times of reflection. I have forgotten how to smile, swallow, and sometimes breath. I am beset with the effects of fucking up my life for no good reason. It grieves me so deeply. So deep, that I feel it without even thinking. So deep, that I could reflect on it all day and never feel it fully.

This faceless depression seems to be of a different strain that I am used to dealing with. It is confusing and painful in way that pain is not usually felt; not with a clarity of mind, but a clouding of all senses. Any pleasure I feel tends to rot so quickly that I barely remember experiencing it. And I know it is this breed of depression that makes me cast a dark perspective shadow, and that I have no control over it, but I wish I could just face it. I wish I could just face the reality of my life.

No Thanks, I'd Rather Hide

Under a blanket, under a tree
Under a rock beside a stream
Under a bed, with a skirt
Under the neck of my t-shirt

In a cave, with a narrow mouth
Under the sand with a straw sticking out
In a bottle, with a cork
Covered in straw with a pitchfork

Behind a computer, behind a desk
Under the desk beneath the foot rest
Wrapped in toilet paper, in the shower
Playing video games past the hour

In the coffee pot, with dark roasted blend
Somehow between the paper and the pen
Between two cups, stacked in each other
Under the feathered ass of a finch's mother

In a shell, in a shelter
In an asylum with white-washed helpers
Under a log, in a fire
Warm and cozy in the highest spire

No thanks, I'd rather hide
Than get up and go outside

Hold On, Just Hold On

These were my last therapists words to me just before I left her office. I'm beginning to think that therapists are not as much like doctors as I originally thought. I do not mean to insult the profession, but there is much that many therapists do not understand. Like lovers. Unlike listeners. In fact, I have had more therapists than I've had lovers and less listeners than I've had therapists.

The story for me now is that I'm holding on. Holding on and reaching out. I've begun to dabble again into spiritual experiences, which in the past, have provided much healing and peace for me. I'm currently reading two books: one on prayer and the other on listening. I just now realized there has been a hole in my approach to prayer even more so than there has been in my past listening skills.

Here is how I reasoned it: Prayer to God often comes in the form of somewhat grocery lists of needs and desires. After all, God is there to help us, no? On the other hand, listening comes in the form of selflessly minding the other's thoughts and feelings to the point that one forgets their own and focuses on the speaker. Now, given that God (or whatever you call him or her) is the foundation for truth, and that he or she also has a will for us in the form of love, why is there so little listening in prayer?

I know it sounds weird. I mean, what do you tell a person who says God speaks to them? Do you ask them the secret of their drug cocktail? I would certainly feel that way. That is to say, I would feel that way if I were completely sane and had all of my shit together. Egos spike quite higher when they are stepping on others. But I don't, and I'm not, so on we go.

What would happen if we took time to get comfy and pray. Who in their right mind says prayer has to be some sort of ritualistic recital? Get comfy, quite down, and listen to God. If he is who he claims to be, then he will speak to you. If he is not, or simply doesn't give a shit, then you'll hear nothing. And it is here that I need to make a distinction. A simple one, between, let's say, eastern and western religious philosophies.

What I propose in the above paragraph can only be done with a Judeo-Christian approach. Most eastern religions require the emptying of one's self in prayer, detachment from all things, and a sort of raising up or branching out of the mind to relate. In the western Judeo-Christian approach, prayer requires the filling up of one's self with God, a deep dependence on him, and a sort of selfish focus wherein God reaches out and in to you. Not exactly Sunday school stuff, but I thought I'd make the distinction.

So, given a God who is truth, who loves us, and wants to help us, I neglect to see why listening to God in prayer could be considered as absurd as I once thought it was. Imagine actively listening to the Truth. Empathizing with an almighty heart that loves you. Reflecting those emotions as though they were a person speaking to you and you were giving them their full attention, complete with reflecting facial expressions, tones of voice, ears filled with their intention.

I know I am reaching here. Reaching out, holding on, just holding on. But I might, just might, actually believe this.

Reckless Endangerment

I think my death will be rather violent. Call it morbid curiosity or just wishful thinking. I do not want to arrive safely at my end. Whether it come while I'm in a bed or in some foreign country, I'm not expected a peaceful transition to wherever or whatever comes.

My body will probably be covered in scars and tattoos from life. I'll probably be screaming, either something like "Yee-haa!" or "Oh, shit!" Not all of my senses will be working correctly since most will have been overused and maltreated during the course of my life. My hands and feet will be callused more than most fire walkers and construction workers. My skin should have parts where hair no longer grows as it used to. I'd better arrive at this finish line with more than one broken bone and torn muscle. I hope I can eat damn near anything. My ears should have at least 50% less capability than when I was born, while my eyes should have at least 50% more. I hope I will have some permanently dislocated knuckles from good fights and tweaked ankles or knees from good hikes. All in all, I want to be damn near broken.

Let's see. I want to have loved and lost, loved and won, and sometimes barely loved at all. I want to have deep laugh lines, tear trails, some frowned-out areas, and experience scars. I want to have felt every emotion, deep and broad, for a long period of time. My heart should be just about worn out by the time I reach my end. Perhaps that's how I will die, who knows? When I start laughing my last, crying my last, or making any inadvertent noise whatsoever, it might just give out. My heart will have been torn and rejoined, stepped on and puffed up, gloomy and glimmering. It will have beaten more and faster than any athlete, slower and more purposeful than any monk. I want my heart to ache, yet be soft and easily humored, just like I want my eyes.

I could probably edit this and add more (and I still might), but there it is so far. I want to be utter worn out when I die, ending as helpless but more helpful than I began it.

ABC Worksheet - Homework #2

This is going to be ironic. You'll see. My last therapy session I was given an "ABC Worksheet" to fill out every day. Under the "A" section for "Activating Event" I am supposed to write about something that happens, under the "B" section for "Beliefs" I am supposed to write about what I tell myself about the event, and under the "C" section for "Consequences" I am supposed to write about how I feel.

Two things you should know. First, I take two milligrams of Klonopin per day. I am also on Paxil, which as you will note, gives you cravings for alcohol. Second, I am not supposed to drink alcohol, both due to the drugs and the moral impression I give my "support system" about my recovery. So, let's begin with the worksheet for today.

Currently, I've had two Captain and Cokes on ice and feeling pretty damn good about myself. Not really, that's a lie, I feel terribly guilty because I am drinking.

Section A - Activating Event: I am drinking and want to drink more.

Section B - Beliefs: I am an alcoholic. I am an unlikeable loser and failing recovery. I should be stronger (I am a soldier after all), but I am quite pathetic as both a civilian and a soldier.

Section C - Consequences: I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel used. I feel out of control of myself and deserving of disregard and disrespect.

See the irony yet? I have a problem with drinking and wanting to drink so I'm drinking and writing about wanting to drink. On a piece of paper. On a blog. Is this really treatment??? Seems silly. But we're not done.

At the bottom of the ABC Worksheet are two questions. The first is this: "Are my thoughts in 'B' realistic?" Now, how do I really answer this? I'm on drugs that give me cravings for alcohol, yet I shouldn't drink, and so I feel guilty about it. I'm on drugs that give me these cravings, bad ones. So, I think I should honestly answer "Yes, I am a medicated, functional alcoholic." Now, who exactly and "realistically" likes functional alcoholics? Who thinks they are making progress in recovery? For whatever root reason, alcoholics drink to cover it up or coop with it, as do I. Now, who ever felt that alcoholics were decent citizens? Not me, I pity them. Like I do myself, I guess. Or perhaps I'm being too polar with the issue. Whatever. I need a refill, straight up this time, before I get to the next question.

Ok. How can I avoid thinking section "B" in the future?

....

I don't know.
I just talked to both my sister and my mother about this question. Both of whom agree that I do not know how to be loved. They're concerned and want to help me, but I just don't know how to accept their help. Great. I guess I'll just wait for the therapist to tell me.

Body Over Mood

I have come to believe in a sort of philosophy that I hate. But whether I like it or not, the effects that certain causes have on my life do so with a sincere indifference to my personal tastes. And for the record, no, I don't like it. I hate it. I hate believing that pushing myself to go through something will make me feel better. This is not a convenient belief. I also hate it because it requires will power, something I very much enjoy jettisoning at nearly every opportunity. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the directly caused effects that my body has on my mind and my feelings exists with sincere regret on my part. My feelings will never change toward this belief, much like my feeling will not change towards pain. It hurts, I hate it. So that's that.

Nevertheless, it is true. My body affects my mind and mood. (I'm sure there exists a scientific explanation for this, but I don't really care for science much). Lately, I have been rather indifferent or depressed. So, I started making some changes. First, I put a big fan in my room and run it on high every night. Every time I get into bed it is breezy and cold, forcing me to use more blankets and wrap them more tightly. I hate the cold, but enjoy the blankets, so I'm happier. I also bought a shit load of scented candles, more than one of which can be found flickering every day somewhere in my room. I hate lighting them, but lavender and camomile are great scents for stress. The damn things burn out too soon, but walking into my room immediately relaxes me.

Even more recently I have found myself going to extremes with this. I bought Fish Oil pills. Apparently, 2000mg of Omega-3 is rumored to help moods. Fish Oil, okay, whatever. During the afternoons I go jump into the rather frigid and unoccupied community pool. The cold water starts my indifferent heart beating like shock paddles. I'll get out, lay out in the sun until I'm relatively dry, then jump in again. Shock therapy, I guess.

Just before writing this, I threw about 30 vitamin E “liquid gels” into a hot bath, along with some camomile tea bags, and just for the hell of it, a little aloe. And now look at me, whereas before the bath I sat down to write and only got as far as “shock therapy,” I'm now typing away. Weird. I drink both hot tea and iced lemonade at the same time. I listen to music I am not in the mood to listen to and end up singing to my computer equalizer. I'm currently drinking an Airborne ice water even though I'm not sick, it just has vitamins.

I find myself thinking “what senses have I not yet challenged?” and end up with some new, weird, juxtaposed event. How can I screw with my body more? I'm not trying to be a masochist, but I might be trying to be something similar. I will always hate knowing that such trivial things can affect me so strongly. But for now, these behaviors are beating the crap out of my indifference and depression. Without directly trying to relax, I am. That bugs me, but it works. So, I'm going to go brush my teeth with teeth-whittening bubble gum.

PTSD Therapy Homework Assignment #1

The prompt:

Think of your most traumatic event during your deployment. Write about how this event how changed you. Write about how your values, morals, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have changed due to this incident. What are you like now as opposed to back then. Write it by hand, don't type it.

The response (yeah, I typed it):

To sum up: I don't really care anymore. I used to believe that mostly good things happened to good people and mostly bad things happened to bad people. Now, I know it doesn't really matter whether you are good or bad, you're still going to get fucked somewhere along the line. Nice guys finish last. I now firmly believe that there are absolutely evil people in world who cannot and will change, people that deserve to die today, if not sooner. I now know that everybody tells lies, not just white lies, but major lies. I believe that most women are naive and get ahead in the workforce by flirting or more direct sexual means. I believe that most men are conniving and assholish by nature, which are somehow considered desirable traits in both their business and personal lives. I believe that most people live in ignorance and prefer it that way such that their lives will only be challenged by the most minimal of circumstances.

At present, I feel like I am missing out on so much in life. I used to find great peace and satisfaction with one or two questions in my head and a few hours of freedom. I used to ask the question “why” and be able to answer it. “Why” is now my poison and I hate the word, as I hate the world, all Montagues. Kill one why and immediately another twenty take it place. I do not know why I do what I do, feel how I feel, think what I think. My lifestyle is both chaotic and boring, yet simple and confusing.

As for behavior, haha. I don't care whether my behavior is appropriate for friends, family, culture, country, social situation, job, future, sleep, diet, self-control, personal growth, or really anything of moral value. Fuck it all, so says my mind. Yet, and this really sucks, my heart doesn't follow. I feel guilty for doing so many “wrong” or unproductive things. It's stupid and confusing, a “why” question, and I therefore avoid the issue altogether. Cognitive dissidence aside, I really don't care anymore.

I punish myself now as much as they punished me during deployment. As a civilian, and even when it is entirely unnecessary, I break every rule the Army has. I am both proud and loathing of the uniform I wore. Before, I was just proud, and I followed most every rule thinking that following said rules would be a benefit to all. I thought I was going to be part of a team, but I ended up being called and charged as a traitor to the United States of America. I am convinced that the reason for this is simply the behavior of evil people in the Army. And, again, I believe evil people should die today, if not sooner. My enemies were supposed to be my teammates, but ended up betraying me.