I don't know if I'll ever get back to the way I was, and the truth of that fact is more than I can bare. I can barely remember it now. I think Hell is a place where one day delivers enough pain to make you feel like you've been there for eternity and lost yourself. So traumatic that nothing else matters, nothing else can be remembered, and nothing else can be felt.
The doctors: the psychiatrists, psychologists, even the orthopedic specialists, all of them, tell me that I will probably never be the same. Not that same is what I want, just that I expected to grow in a positive way, rather than become partially insane. My personality is undergoing a complete transformation into God knows what. I am afraid of myself. To say that I don't know myself would be an almost sadistic comment. I have no idea who I even was, who I am, or who I will be. I am scared of all of the answers to those questions. I simply do not want to be me.
I am stuck in the Grand Canyon rut of personal identity. What I feel and what I think battle each other like they're in the most righteously desperate of wars over the truth of me. The feeling side is winning by a dramatic margin. I fear that I have lost everything that I was, everything that I am, and everything that I will be. I used to be so many things, so many things that so many people thought were good, and each of them I now mourn as if my soul has given up all attachments and I am now left with this pathetic shell of a person.
I have run out of tears many times this week over marathon hours of shedding them. My eyes are sore, left with the salty crystals, blurry vision, and rashes from rubbing away my times of reflection. I have forgotten how to smile, swallow, and sometimes breath. I am beset with the effects of fucking up my life for no good reason. It grieves me so deeply. So deep, that I feel it without even thinking. So deep, that I could reflect on it all day and never feel it fully.
This faceless depression seems to be of a different strain that I am used to dealing with. It is confusing and painful in way that pain is not usually felt; not with a clarity of mind, but a clouding of all senses. Any pleasure I feel tends to rot so quickly that I barely remember experiencing it. And I know it is this breed of depression that makes me cast a dark perspective shadow, and that I have no control over it, but I wish I could just face it. I wish I could just face the reality of my life.
2 comments:
There are no words that I haven't said to you already. I feel your pain and empathize to the greatest degree.
I sometimes wonder if life has a maximum number of failures one can possibly commit in their lifetime. I feel I have exceeded mine. I feel as if with every failure I lose a piece of myself. This doesn't leave much of me remaining.
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You will. This too shall pass. As you probably know, when Solomon said these words, he was referring to the fleeting nature of his glory, wisdom, power, wealth... and of his life in general. He was facing the reality that his life would once be dust.
I send Solomon's words to you not as advice but as a hopeful notion. All things, good and bad, now and forever, shall pass. I find you to be a good person, great, even. My reasons are manifold. I have shared some of those with you before. But there are many I have not shared. And before you write off my opinion completely, know that I don't think highly of you because I am naive or because I have a limited understanding of you. So don't pollute my admiration with those thoughts. It is pure as it is so just take it.
You are honest, you are true and you are real. Even in your current state you recognize that you aren't kidding anyone and you aren't playing anyone for a fool. I love your sincerity above all things about you, and, ironically, it is your ability to be sincere and to empathize which have caused you so much grief.
Please know that I love you as you are. In the state where you think you are not deserving of even the smallest degree of self-love, let alone love from others, I love you to the nth degree. And, as you struggle to face this reality, know that whether or not you are ever able to face it, this too shall pass, and you will still be loved.
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