Today, I fell asleep around 1:30 am. I took my pills and went to bed at 10:30pm the previous day. (When you have no sleeping schedule whatsoever, time is a mere semantic issue) I watched TV shows and movies that I downloaded on my computer until my eyes watered and hurt enough to fall asleep. 1:30am to 7:00am, I slept. 5.5 hrs. That is an awesome amount of unconsciousness for me. No small feat. The six medications I took at 10:30pm made this possible, no doubt in my mind, and I am grateful. I did not, however, sleep well. I experienced everything in my sleep. Three of the six medications I take are meant to prevent me from having/remembering any dreams at all. The other three medications are meant to knock me out. Obviously, they don't completely work. They never have.
Last night I was shot, stabbed, robbed, beaten, raped, blown-up, killed, murdered in my sleep, tortured, and committed suicide. At any moment during my sleep I had three separate and distinct "layers" of dreams/time-lines progressing. I could jump from torture to rape, fights to murder, verbal confrontations to robbing without any hesitation. Any detail from any layer could jump from dream to time-line to dream and form anew. I have learned that my sleeping mind can, at least, hold the full sensory detail of three different lives living simultaneously and "jump" or combine any details of each into another story. Upon my waking, only a few hours after I fall asleep (I've never slept past 3 hrs since '08), I am confronted with the sweat, overwhelming memory, and exhaustion of my sleep.
I have been terrified of falling asleep since November of 2008, when I returned from Afghanistan. I don't know why. Nothing I experienced over there in any way resembles my nightly thoughts or the contents thereof. I honestly do not know where these thoughts are coming from. But, nevertheless, they happen. Every night, every sleep, without fail, guaranteed, they happen. "Over-night delivery: Reality not included."
I awake each and every morning exhausted and sore. I wake up to bruises and scratches on my arms, face, neck, stomach, and legs. I look in the mirror and ask how. I have seen mysterious nightly injuries in the mirror since '08. I haven't looked at myself in a mirror since '09. Ah fuck it, honestly, right now, I am quite minimizing what actually happens. I am too ashamed to admit what I do and what I believe from my dreams. I have gone for days (yes, ACTUALLY FULL PLURAL DAYS) believing I had committed, been committed, or been a victim of these events. Murder, rape, suicide, etc (any and all, victim or perpetrator). I have gone for days believing these things happened. And yes, I have the scars and cuts and scrapes to prove it.
I live in my own house, under my own providership, in one of the most affluent cities in the United States.
Do you honestly believe that you're more insane or abnormal than I?
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