Since when did marriage become the jaded reason for every married persons' existence? At what point did marriage excuse people from dealing with their own individual problems? Did the vows, kids, careers, or money change the definition of responsibility? Since when did the practice of using the words 'I love you' to cover up unloving actions become so popular? At what point did the fact that people change become incompatible with marriage vows? Or monogamy? Or spirituality?
Many married people I know are going through issues. No problem, right? We all go through issues. But here is my personal issue: no married person I know thinks an unmarried person can understand or provide insight into their 'marriage' problems. Sorry, but I take that personally. At what point did a marriage cease to be a intimate relationship? I've had my fair share of such relationships, making ridiculous and reprehensible mistakes in each one, such that I learned more about myself and relationships through each one. Just because I did not make any vows, nor did I live with my x-girlfriends, does not make my opinion shallow.
Are you actually suggesting that I cannot see when you're being selfish? Or that your wife is just an egotistical bitch who cares more about her career and self-image than you? Or that your self-worth is wrapped up in him? Do you not see for yourself that he has let you down and that's okay? Do you know what you were expecting from marriage? I've heard that expectations are premeditated regrets, so do you think that's true? I've been in codependent relationships, so can I not recognize codependency? I've been controlled and controlling, so can I not advise on self-control and boundaries?
Let's make one more thing perfectly clear: there is no such thing as a Christian marriage. Marriage is not God-ordained, it is a social institution. It is an agreement between two individuals that actually requires both parties to live out their lives together. A Christian marriage is an invention by the Christian church that requires people to live out their lives and their marriage according to Christian principles. In other words, a donut with frosting is still a donut.
Believe it or not, there really isn't anything spiritual about marriage. Otherwise, every atheist on the planet wouldn't be able to get or stay married. Since when did we over-spiritualize and over-romanticize marriage to be somehow 'above' a personal and practical social relationship? There are forty year old married couples that still fight! Fighting is a part of marriage. Conflict, change, bills, and doing the fucking dishes are a part of marriage. What is so spiritual or romantic about that?
So then, why do we look for spiritual or romantic solutions to marital problems? God is not putting you through trials right now, you're being insecure that your wife isn't interested in you anymore, and you're probably right. God has nothing to do with it. Your three month long engagement and five year marriage did not turn out to be 'what was meant to be'. So no, you're not leaving the One person you were meant to be with. You cannot fix your marriage just because you're supposed to stay married. Very simply, it might have started with a simple mistake that has grown to have enormous personal consequences. Believe me, you're not an abnormality here. I'm single, I know.
Can we please start to be more practical and less romantic/spiritual about marriage? It is quite necessary to do so. Generally, a visit to your local secular therapist will do more for you and your marriage than a Christian counselor or pastor. I would like to see marital problems be worked out in healthy ways such as learning communication, tolerance, personal growth, and even divorce rather than cheating, lying that violates trust, having open marriages, manipulation, and ugly battles for control.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Desiring Truth and Goodness Beyond Doctrine
The following quote is from C.S. Lewis' fictional book The Last Battle. Aslan, the lion, represents God in the book. While Tash (along with others) represents Satan or the Evil One. Emeth, a leopard and follower of Tash, suddenly finds himself in an open field:
I really admire Emeth in this book. I've been thinking about his situation recently. Emeth served a false god. Aslan does not reject him, but accepts his service to Tash as if it was his own. There is a portion of humanity that is often forsaken by Christianity (and other religions as well), that is, the willingness to seek truth and goodness present in all people. No man would willingly trade the knowledge of something true for something that is false. Likewise, no man would willingly, with full conscious knowledge, do something evil for its own sake. Every man can commit to pursuing these things while at the same time belonging to any religion, church, culture, ethnicity, race, country, or people group.
If their commitment to such righteous goals is true, that is, willed by all of themselves, then I know of no other more valuable or noble act, either internal or external, that could be done. I do not believe God would disavow such commitment and service. How could he? Did he not create such a creature who could desire truth and goodness with all of themselves? How then, throughout his life and even at the end, would such desires be tossed aside because of his limited knowledge of all things? What else can we do but strongly desire the knowledge of truth and that which is good, and to be willing to commit to such things? Such is an inherent capability in all of humanity that cannot be ignored, but must be acknowledged and rewarded, even if it is does done with a limited knowledge of Good and Evil. We are limited creatures, whose capability to do good is so great, that such a commitment to do good and seek truth in all of ourselves is to be admired, even by God.
"So I went over much grass and many flowers and among all kinds of wholesome and delectable trees till lo! in a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great Lion. The speed of him was like the ostrich, and his size was an elephant's; his hair was like pure gold and the brightness of his eyes like gold that is liquid in the furnace. He was more terrible than the Flaming Mountain of Lagour, and in beauty he surpassed all that is in the world even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.
"Then he breathed upon me and took away the trembling from my limbs and caused me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he said not much, but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in. Then he turned him about in a storm and flurry of gold and was gone suddenly."
I really admire Emeth in this book. I've been thinking about his situation recently. Emeth served a false god. Aslan does not reject him, but accepts his service to Tash as if it was his own. There is a portion of humanity that is often forsaken by Christianity (and other religions as well), that is, the willingness to seek truth and goodness present in all people. No man would willingly trade the knowledge of something true for something that is false. Likewise, no man would willingly, with full conscious knowledge, do something evil for its own sake. Every man can commit to pursuing these things while at the same time belonging to any religion, church, culture, ethnicity, race, country, or people group.
If their commitment to such righteous goals is true, that is, willed by all of themselves, then I know of no other more valuable or noble act, either internal or external, that could be done. I do not believe God would disavow such commitment and service. How could he? Did he not create such a creature who could desire truth and goodness with all of themselves? How then, throughout his life and even at the end, would such desires be tossed aside because of his limited knowledge of all things? What else can we do but strongly desire the knowledge of truth and that which is good, and to be willing to commit to such things? Such is an inherent capability in all of humanity that cannot be ignored, but must be acknowledged and rewarded, even if it is does done with a limited knowledge of Good and Evil. We are limited creatures, whose capability to do good is so great, that such a commitment to do good and seek truth in all of ourselves is to be admired, even by God.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Given the shaft
Yes, I was dumped. Yes, it really fucking hurts. No, I don't regret it. Relationships can be silly and serious things. This is the more serious side, where one looks at the sum of everything and decides whether the risk was worth it or not.
The last fight we had, the one in which she broke up with me, she was more honest with me than ever before. The truth was never more clear to me, I don't really know why. The bottom line came to this: she did not want to be in a relationship with me because of some things I had felt/said and was continuing to say. In part, I was relieved. I knew she had a problem with things I had felt and said, but never had it been so clearly dealt with before. Finally, I heard in literal terms why she had such a problem with me. There were no grey areas, no conditionals, no flip-flops. The truth was out and I understood. And, as much as it pains me to say it, I enjoyed hearing it, even if it was difficult to do so. I consider what happened between us as a good relationship, even the hardest parts.
I hate speaking of these events in past tense. There were many good times. I really like that girl and I really care about her. How is she doing? Can it really be over? The air feels so thick. The end of a relationship is so much like the death of something. It feels so permanent, so lonely. C.S. Lewis spoke too soon when he said that grief felt so much like fear. I have felt fear, both deep and broad, and this is nothing like it. I am quite familiar with insecurity or anxiousness concerning some potential danger. Grief is nothing like a "flight or fight" response. There is nothing to fight, and nowhere to run.
In a sense, it is a relief for me. There is nothing to fight, and nowhere to run. My broken heart can travel with me, sit with me, read with me, or play with me. I can schedule my meetings with it, like on my bed at night or with my guitar in the afternoon. At other times, I can ignore it. Actually, being in a state of grief feels quite comfortable. Hopefully I will not get too comfortable. But I find myself not wanting to feel any other way except sad.
Toward the end of our last conversation, she knew I didn't agree that we should be broken up. She wanted to know why I disagreed. I could hardly say. What do you tell someone who has expressed such a strong dislike of your behavior and feelings? I could only really tell her that I understood why she no longer wanted a relationship, and I simply repeated back to her what she told me about it, hardly any of which I believed to be true about myself. I felt like I was lying. It is difficult to tell someone they are wrong about you when they feel so strongly about how your actions affected them, especially in a relationship. Past hurts always take priority over present knowledge. And the only good thing I could manage to do was to understand and empathize.
But then again, I want to be understood also. I don't want to be controlling, feared, or fought with. I don't want to be with someone whom I continuously hurt without knowing it. If I'm being a jerk, then I'm wrong. But if I'm talking about feeling insecure or anxious, I just want to be listened to. I enjoy people who listen to me with validation. I don't want to be changed or others to change for me. I want to be treated as acceptable, just as I am, as I want to treat others. But this is difficult to negotiate in relationships. There is a fine line between telling someone the truth of how you feel in the context of each other and starting a fight with accusations and criticism. We just couldn't manage to communicate well.
Anyway, I was happy before her. This simple grief feels honest and clean, wholesome even, a slow return to a more familiar life. Time to give the rejected ego a rest, to let things take their natural course. I always enjoyed the "otherness" between us, now I will just learn to appreciate it further. The risk was worth it for all of the good times and the bad, even this.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Whoever wrote that, was brilliant.
The last fight we had, the one in which she broke up with me, she was more honest with me than ever before. The truth was never more clear to me, I don't really know why. The bottom line came to this: she did not want to be in a relationship with me because of some things I had felt/said and was continuing to say. In part, I was relieved. I knew she had a problem with things I had felt and said, but never had it been so clearly dealt with before. Finally, I heard in literal terms why she had such a problem with me. There were no grey areas, no conditionals, no flip-flops. The truth was out and I understood. And, as much as it pains me to say it, I enjoyed hearing it, even if it was difficult to do so. I consider what happened between us as a good relationship, even the hardest parts.
I hate speaking of these events in past tense. There were many good times. I really like that girl and I really care about her. How is she doing? Can it really be over? The air feels so thick. The end of a relationship is so much like the death of something. It feels so permanent, so lonely. C.S. Lewis spoke too soon when he said that grief felt so much like fear. I have felt fear, both deep and broad, and this is nothing like it. I am quite familiar with insecurity or anxiousness concerning some potential danger. Grief is nothing like a "flight or fight" response. There is nothing to fight, and nowhere to run.
In a sense, it is a relief for me. There is nothing to fight, and nowhere to run. My broken heart can travel with me, sit with me, read with me, or play with me. I can schedule my meetings with it, like on my bed at night or with my guitar in the afternoon. At other times, I can ignore it. Actually, being in a state of grief feels quite comfortable. Hopefully I will not get too comfortable. But I find myself not wanting to feel any other way except sad.
Toward the end of our last conversation, she knew I didn't agree that we should be broken up. She wanted to know why I disagreed. I could hardly say. What do you tell someone who has expressed such a strong dislike of your behavior and feelings? I could only really tell her that I understood why she no longer wanted a relationship, and I simply repeated back to her what she told me about it, hardly any of which I believed to be true about myself. I felt like I was lying. It is difficult to tell someone they are wrong about you when they feel so strongly about how your actions affected them, especially in a relationship. Past hurts always take priority over present knowledge. And the only good thing I could manage to do was to understand and empathize.
But then again, I want to be understood also. I don't want to be controlling, feared, or fought with. I don't want to be with someone whom I continuously hurt without knowing it. If I'm being a jerk, then I'm wrong. But if I'm talking about feeling insecure or anxious, I just want to be listened to. I enjoy people who listen to me with validation. I don't want to be changed or others to change for me. I want to be treated as acceptable, just as I am, as I want to treat others. But this is difficult to negotiate in relationships. There is a fine line between telling someone the truth of how you feel in the context of each other and starting a fight with accusations and criticism. We just couldn't manage to communicate well.
Anyway, I was happy before her. This simple grief feels honest and clean, wholesome even, a slow return to a more familiar life. Time to give the rejected ego a rest, to let things take their natural course. I always enjoyed the "otherness" between us, now I will just learn to appreciate it further. The risk was worth it for all of the good times and the bad, even this.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Whoever wrote that, was brilliant.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
This, my friends, is a panic attack
I can barely live in my own skin
My muscles underneath quiver with fear
Potential pending doom grows without restraint in my head
But I cannot find the dangers
They are myths I believe
They are myths I created
But I feel that they are true
Consequences to things yet unoccurred
A tragic story of life events yet unlived
Tense thoughts lock my back and shoulders in a prison of panic
My hands tremble with fear
My breathing quickens, and I feel like I'm going crazy
My body is prepared for a war with my mind
I debate myself over self-worth, value, and lovability
They say I'm too hard on myself
That I'm good for people, funny, and lovable
But what if they knew me better?
If they saw me now, shaking in the fear of nothing?
I talk to them and they ask me what happened,
What happened? They say,
And I just want to cry, I don't know
Nothing, everything, just happened.
I feel stuck under a black umbrella of my own thoughts
With sunglasses so dark they can block out the sun
I cry out of sadness, a deep grief for my life
I'm sorry I have hurt, been immature, and used you all
Be merciful and lock me up so I cannot hurt another
And so I do not hurt myself
I need deep truths
God, give me something I can grip firmly
Hold on to for dear life, dear trust, dear intimacy, love
Would you like my vocal chords so I can actually hear you?
I can give you my anxious skin so you can touch me, give me a hug perhaps?
A set of clothes that I can touch?
I feel ill, sick with sticky worries
And I am tired, giving too much credence to my mistakes
I have invited fear and hurt into my home
And it has stayed, now unwelcomed, but burrowed into me
I have tried to smoke it out with cigarettes
Drown it in alcohol
Loosen its grip with sex, careless decisions, and positive self-help books
I feel too much
I need deep truths, deep magical thoughts
Grounded in a constant source of comfort
But I feel so much
My muscles underneath quiver with fear
Potential pending doom grows without restraint in my head
But I cannot find the dangers
They are myths I believe
They are myths I created
But I feel that they are true
Consequences to things yet unoccurred
A tragic story of life events yet unlived
Tense thoughts lock my back and shoulders in a prison of panic
My hands tremble with fear
My breathing quickens, and I feel like I'm going crazy
My body is prepared for a war with my mind
I debate myself over self-worth, value, and lovability
They say I'm too hard on myself
That I'm good for people, funny, and lovable
But what if they knew me better?
If they saw me now, shaking in the fear of nothing?
I talk to them and they ask me what happened,
What happened? They say,
And I just want to cry, I don't know
Nothing, everything, just happened.
I feel stuck under a black umbrella of my own thoughts
With sunglasses so dark they can block out the sun
I cry out of sadness, a deep grief for my life
I'm sorry I have hurt, been immature, and used you all
Be merciful and lock me up so I cannot hurt another
And so I do not hurt myself
I need deep truths
God, give me something I can grip firmly
Hold on to for dear life, dear trust, dear intimacy, love
Would you like my vocal chords so I can actually hear you?
I can give you my anxious skin so you can touch me, give me a hug perhaps?
A set of clothes that I can touch?
I feel ill, sick with sticky worries
And I am tired, giving too much credence to my mistakes
I have invited fear and hurt into my home
And it has stayed, now unwelcomed, but burrowed into me
I have tried to smoke it out with cigarettes
Drown it in alcohol
Loosen its grip with sex, careless decisions, and positive self-help books
I feel too much
I need deep truths, deep magical thoughts
Grounded in a constant source of comfort
But I feel so much
Monday, August 27, 2007
Loving Another
"Love ceases to be a demon only when it ceases to be a god." - M. Denis de Rougemont
I wholeheartedly agree with the maxim that "it is not good for a man to be alone." We are, as people, meant to fulfill each other's inherent needs for companionship. The denial of this fact, like the manufacturing of illusionary feelings that we are "blessed" or "gifted" with being single or celibate, also denies the need we have to find someone to love. Frankly, the denial of this need makes us unstable and insecure. As Carl Jung said, "what you resist persists." As such, we should first simply acknowledge our need of this love in our lives.
No doubt most people believe truly corrupted love is sex without love or commitment. This makes perfect sense, but it must also be said that truly romantic love is not present in such activity. True love dominates sexual desire, refining and reorganizing our thoughts and behavior. By itself, sex desires something. If sex persists without love, then we tend to fall in love with the "loving", not the person herself, based on what we get out of it. Love, on the other hand, desires the object of love, the beloved herself, someone in particular.
Love makes a man not just want any woman, but one particular woman. Furthermore, he does not want the pleasure he gets from her, but her in authentic form. This is not a calculated decision, or a product of will power, it is a simple pre-occupation with her that develops. He did not choose her, nor did she him, based on comparing other women to her. In fact, his needs here are entirely a distraction from appreciating her as admirable in herself. Very simply, he is quite intoxicated by her, without giving any regard to his pain or pleasure. She is undeniably separate from him, like the beauty present in a colorful sunset, but he cannot (and would not dare) take it with him.
It is so important to keep the separateness or otherness of those loving relationships at the forefront of our minds. Because if we were to allow our pre-occupation with the beloved to take control, it would soon become an obsession, and then a burden for the lover and the beloved. In fact, I have found that such a process ends up with the worst sort of selfish behavior, where I would not care about the beloved at all, except that she were to make me feel complete and met my needs for intimacy. Such a thought turns her from what was once specifically beautiful and valuable into even less than a woman. She would become any woman, nothing special, and there to make me feel better. Granted, it is wonderful that she can do things that mean much to me, but we must resist loving those things more than her herself. We must maintain gratefulness rather than expectations.
That, in fact, is how I want to be loved and not loved as well. I want to be loved as a special, unique, and independently wealthy poor man who is, in and of himself, full of worth and potential. I want to be loved truly, as I myself am, with appreciation for what I do and freedom to grow up from my mistakes. But specifically, I want to be loved as another, from only one other, who is incredibly grateful for me.
I wholeheartedly agree with the maxim that "it is not good for a man to be alone." We are, as people, meant to fulfill each other's inherent needs for companionship. The denial of this fact, like the manufacturing of illusionary feelings that we are "blessed" or "gifted" with being single or celibate, also denies the need we have to find someone to love. Frankly, the denial of this need makes us unstable and insecure. As Carl Jung said, "what you resist persists." As such, we should first simply acknowledge our need of this love in our lives.
No doubt most people believe truly corrupted love is sex without love or commitment. This makes perfect sense, but it must also be said that truly romantic love is not present in such activity. True love dominates sexual desire, refining and reorganizing our thoughts and behavior. By itself, sex desires something. If sex persists without love, then we tend to fall in love with the "loving", not the person herself, based on what we get out of it. Love, on the other hand, desires the object of love, the beloved herself, someone in particular.
Love makes a man not just want any woman, but one particular woman. Furthermore, he does not want the pleasure he gets from her, but her in authentic form. This is not a calculated decision, or a product of will power, it is a simple pre-occupation with her that develops. He did not choose her, nor did she him, based on comparing other women to her. In fact, his needs here are entirely a distraction from appreciating her as admirable in herself. Very simply, he is quite intoxicated by her, without giving any regard to his pain or pleasure. She is undeniably separate from him, like the beauty present in a colorful sunset, but he cannot (and would not dare) take it with him.
It is so important to keep the separateness or otherness of those loving relationships at the forefront of our minds. Because if we were to allow our pre-occupation with the beloved to take control, it would soon become an obsession, and then a burden for the lover and the beloved. In fact, I have found that such a process ends up with the worst sort of selfish behavior, where I would not care about the beloved at all, except that she were to make me feel complete and met my needs for intimacy. Such a thought turns her from what was once specifically beautiful and valuable into even less than a woman. She would become any woman, nothing special, and there to make me feel better. Granted, it is wonderful that she can do things that mean much to me, but we must resist loving those things more than her herself. We must maintain gratefulness rather than expectations.
That, in fact, is how I want to be loved and not loved as well. I want to be loved as a special, unique, and independently wealthy poor man who is, in and of himself, full of worth and potential. I want to be loved truly, as I myself am, with appreciation for what I do and freedom to grow up from my mistakes. But specifically, I want to be loved as another, from only one other, who is incredibly grateful for me.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Seriously Silly Daydreams
It seems to me that history's most ruthless tyrants were those individuals whose professional egoism did not allow themselves to be laughed at. One cannot laugh about all of the circumstances in life or characteristics of self, but certainly there are a few that are quite entertaining. In fact, my most humorous characteristics are those that would otherwise appear as the most serious flaws.
For example, I have developed the habit of associating a self-centered daydream with ever song I listen to. The daydreams typically involve myself as the center of attention and a selected audience. For John Mayer's “Your Body is a Wonderland,” I am singing said song in a small club to an audience of fond friends and one particularly impressed, attractive woman. For ACDC's “You shook me all night long,” I am singing said song at a karaoke night at the local bar. Of course, David Crowder's “Obsession” I sing in front of church at a special worship night. For the Last of the Mohican's Soundtrack (track two in particular) I am part of a special operations unit in the Army defending the homes of some friends from brutal ninja-like terrorists.
Through these and other childish imaginations I have fought a starship in an X-wing, beat an Ethiopian in a cross-country race, outdanced the best breaker on “So You Think You Can Dance,” tackled LaDamian Tomlinson for a prize-winning rookie opportunity, used The Force to make my friends fly, shot a bee off a deer's butt at 1,000 yards with my own rifle, kicked the crap out of some high school bullies as Raiden from Mortal Kombat, took friends on a joy ride in an F-22 Raptor, etc. This list truly never ends because it is always being created. I can be a hero, a saint, a lover, a wise man, a legend, or even a superhero. Truly, if I were to take this too seriously, my egoism could make even Hitler blush. There is only a slight seriousness in that I am able to see the weaknesses in my own self-worth through my dreams. I can look at these dreams and know my insecurities without even thinking hard. But even these cannot be taken too seriously. One does not see a child being condemned by their parents for a having dreams of what they will be when they grow up. And, in fact, I am still growing up.
My most frequent dreams are those involving the women I have loved, or perhaps, wanted love from. Again, a serious flaw if one were to pay too much attention to the negative effects. But the innocence in which I dream about them must be understood in no more serious terms than that of a romantic and oversensitive language of thought. To those romantic interests, at the extreme, I have been a provider, protector, and cherisher of them. I have flown across the world to wish them a happy birthday, given them expensive gifts grown from the intimacy of inside jokes, sang them songs I have written about them while kissing them, worked 60 hours a week in a cubicle just so they could have the car they wanted, been a good father, made them laugh harder than they did while being tickled as a child, played and prayed with them, etc. These are my fondest dreams because they create in me such a blissful feeling of relief.
However, a serious character flaw is represented by these daydreams such that it indicates a desire for a woman, any woman, to make me feel complete. Such is not a desirable quality for any man in a relationship, because the woman would know that she was completely unnecessary, and that any woman would do for him. How would you feel if your partner wanted someone to love and be loved by, but not you specifically? In contrast, how would you feel if they wanted you specifically, with all of themselves, and without any regard to another? To sum up, at the worst, my daydreams are indicative of my desire to simply be accepted and loved for who I am. Surely, this cannot be all that wrong; perhaps foolish, but not evil. It is a delicate balance of egoism and silly daydreams growing up into self-controlled passion. I must not give it its head, but I must also maintain its innocence with a sense of humor. Anyway, I'm working on it.
For example, I have developed the habit of associating a self-centered daydream with ever song I listen to. The daydreams typically involve myself as the center of attention and a selected audience. For John Mayer's “Your Body is a Wonderland,” I am singing said song in a small club to an audience of fond friends and one particularly impressed, attractive woman. For ACDC's “You shook me all night long,” I am singing said song at a karaoke night at the local bar. Of course, David Crowder's “Obsession” I sing in front of church at a special worship night. For the Last of the Mohican's Soundtrack (track two in particular) I am part of a special operations unit in the Army defending the homes of some friends from brutal ninja-like terrorists.
Through these and other childish imaginations I have fought a starship in an X-wing, beat an Ethiopian in a cross-country race, outdanced the best breaker on “So You Think You Can Dance,” tackled LaDamian Tomlinson for a prize-winning rookie opportunity, used The Force to make my friends fly, shot a bee off a deer's butt at 1,000 yards with my own rifle, kicked the crap out of some high school bullies as Raiden from Mortal Kombat, took friends on a joy ride in an F-22 Raptor, etc. This list truly never ends because it is always being created. I can be a hero, a saint, a lover, a wise man, a legend, or even a superhero. Truly, if I were to take this too seriously, my egoism could make even Hitler blush. There is only a slight seriousness in that I am able to see the weaknesses in my own self-worth through my dreams. I can look at these dreams and know my insecurities without even thinking hard. But even these cannot be taken too seriously. One does not see a child being condemned by their parents for a having dreams of what they will be when they grow up. And, in fact, I am still growing up.
My most frequent dreams are those involving the women I have loved, or perhaps, wanted love from. Again, a serious flaw if one were to pay too much attention to the negative effects. But the innocence in which I dream about them must be understood in no more serious terms than that of a romantic and oversensitive language of thought. To those romantic interests, at the extreme, I have been a provider, protector, and cherisher of them. I have flown across the world to wish them a happy birthday, given them expensive gifts grown from the intimacy of inside jokes, sang them songs I have written about them while kissing them, worked 60 hours a week in a cubicle just so they could have the car they wanted, been a good father, made them laugh harder than they did while being tickled as a child, played and prayed with them, etc. These are my fondest dreams because they create in me such a blissful feeling of relief.
However, a serious character flaw is represented by these daydreams such that it indicates a desire for a woman, any woman, to make me feel complete. Such is not a desirable quality for any man in a relationship, because the woman would know that she was completely unnecessary, and that any woman would do for him. How would you feel if your partner wanted someone to love and be loved by, but not you specifically? In contrast, how would you feel if they wanted you specifically, with all of themselves, and without any regard to another? To sum up, at the worst, my daydreams are indicative of my desire to simply be accepted and loved for who I am. Surely, this cannot be all that wrong; perhaps foolish, but not evil. It is a delicate balance of egoism and silly daydreams growing up into self-controlled passion. I must not give it its head, but I must also maintain its innocence with a sense of humor. Anyway, I'm working on it.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Performance and Opinion
There are two things I have been caring about far too much in life: my performance and others' opinions of me. The latter only really comes along during relationships, but the former is almost always present.
I am slowly discovering that life really is like Calvinball. It is a game, our game, where we make up the rules and the only goal is a relationship with God. The standards by which we live can first be established by our parents, teachers, pastors, etc. But, as adults, we must form our own standards by which to live up to. We establish the par, the grading system, the GPA. It is our decision, our responsibility, and our freedom. This is my life, so I make the rules.
But first we must realize that the standards by which we were taught to live up to are not exactly in our best interest. My skills and talents, as well as my weaknesses and character flaws, are uniquely my own and cannot perfectly conform to any moral system in existence. Because my relationship with God is unique, and my purpose for living is only my own, I must establish my standards and expectations of myself based on this relationship and purpose.
For example, Christianity has taught me that, in order to have a good relationship with God, one must always believe in Him and never sin. Sure, we all know that we doubt and are sinful, but it is still wrong to be that way. Well, that's bullshit. When will we begin to believe that "all things work together for the good of those who love God"? All, fucking, ALL things. That includes sin, no? C.S. Lewis said that "the good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced." I am not redefining sin as not really sin, I am simply putting it in the context of a relationship with God. To trust that God grace is sufficient for me is to tell me that I can do no wrong in His sight. I'm quite sure this will upset the moral elite, the high tower church attenders, but what good would I be if I could not live my own life as I see fit?
Here is my purpose in life, a simple explanation of why I choose to live: I live to enjoy a relationship with God and be happy. I am not here to be a good person. I am not here to make everyone feel safe and secure. I am not here to conform to others' opinions of me, even those opinions formed in my most intimate relationships. Knowing the purpose for which you live allows you firmly develop the rules by which you live. Once these rules, your rules, are in place you can begin to let go of those standards by which others have held you to for so long. You are free to discover your own weakness, the definition of which changes according to the purpose of the life you are pursuing.
If my purpose in getting something to eat is to merely satisfy hunger, I should expect to eat anything that would fill my stomach. But if my purpose in getting something to eat is to be filled with something delicious and somewhat healthy, I should not eat just anything. Neither of these purposes in getting something to eat is objectively wrong or immoral, but they both result is very different standards and rules by which one allows themselves to eat. In both cases, one must decide their purpose before attempting to fulfill that purpose by creating their own standards.
Likewise, one must be realistic about their own abilities in order to create personal morals for themselves. We must be aware of our weaknesses and strengths, and learn to emphasize our strengths to succeed in meeting the standards we set for ourselves. We cannot always be working on our weaknesses and attempting to improve on ourselves without using our strengths to get us through.
I am slowly discovering that life really is like Calvinball. It is a game, our game, where we make up the rules and the only goal is a relationship with God. The standards by which we live can first be established by our parents, teachers, pastors, etc. But, as adults, we must form our own standards by which to live up to. We establish the par, the grading system, the GPA. It is our decision, our responsibility, and our freedom. This is my life, so I make the rules.
But first we must realize that the standards by which we were taught to live up to are not exactly in our best interest. My skills and talents, as well as my weaknesses and character flaws, are uniquely my own and cannot perfectly conform to any moral system in existence. Because my relationship with God is unique, and my purpose for living is only my own, I must establish my standards and expectations of myself based on this relationship and purpose.
For example, Christianity has taught me that, in order to have a good relationship with God, one must always believe in Him and never sin. Sure, we all know that we doubt and are sinful, but it is still wrong to be that way. Well, that's bullshit. When will we begin to believe that "all things work together for the good of those who love God"? All, fucking, ALL things. That includes sin, no? C.S. Lewis said that "the good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced." I am not redefining sin as not really sin, I am simply putting it in the context of a relationship with God. To trust that God grace is sufficient for me is to tell me that I can do no wrong in His sight. I'm quite sure this will upset the moral elite, the high tower church attenders, but what good would I be if I could not live my own life as I see fit?
Here is my purpose in life, a simple explanation of why I choose to live: I live to enjoy a relationship with God and be happy. I am not here to be a good person. I am not here to make everyone feel safe and secure. I am not here to conform to others' opinions of me, even those opinions formed in my most intimate relationships. Knowing the purpose for which you live allows you firmly develop the rules by which you live. Once these rules, your rules, are in place you can begin to let go of those standards by which others have held you to for so long. You are free to discover your own weakness, the definition of which changes according to the purpose of the life you are pursuing.
If my purpose in getting something to eat is to merely satisfy hunger, I should expect to eat anything that would fill my stomach. But if my purpose in getting something to eat is to be filled with something delicious and somewhat healthy, I should not eat just anything. Neither of these purposes in getting something to eat is objectively wrong or immoral, but they both result is very different standards and rules by which one allows themselves to eat. In both cases, one must decide their purpose before attempting to fulfill that purpose by creating their own standards.
Likewise, one must be realistic about their own abilities in order to create personal morals for themselves. We must be aware of our weaknesses and strengths, and learn to emphasize our strengths to succeed in meeting the standards we set for ourselves. We cannot always be working on our weaknesses and attempting to improve on ourselves without using our strengths to get us through.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
A Few Verses By Which I Cling
Romans 8:31-39
31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:28
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Psalm 139:1-18
1O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Isaiah 54:10
"For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Psalm 32:10
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
Exodus 15:26
...for I, the LORD, am your healer.
31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:28
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Psalm 139:1-18
1O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Isaiah 54:10
"For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Psalm 32:10
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
Exodus 15:26
...for I, the LORD, am your healer.
Fear and Self-Loathing in San Diego
While fighting for the Army, I have been trained to face almost any type of enemy. For the most part, I have learned how to adapt and overcome their defenses. I have also learned how to defend myself from their attacks. Thanks to this training, I really have very few fears about going to war soon. I have little fear of any enemy, except one.
In the Lord of the Rings video game there is a dark magic spell you can use called "Whip of the Master." The effect of the spell is that your own character speeds up and strengthens their attacks. I cannot think of a better description of how I have been living recently. I have pushed myself far too hard and I have become overwhelmed with insecurity. I am more afraid of my own insecurities and character faults than any external enemy. I am more afraid of going to war than I am of being in a relationship that exposes me for who I am. At times, I would rather face a man who has full intention of killing me in hatred rather than dealing with my own criticism of myself. How do you fight such an enemy? What do you do with your own cruel criticism? You can't kill or stop self.
Thanks either to my parents, prior bad relationships, or other hurtful experiences, I do not know how to simply "be okay" with my own insecurities and flaws. Despite the fact that I know there is no such thing as a perfect person, I hold those expectations of myself naturally. I am constantly breaking my own rules and reacting to that with extreme criticism. I am my own worst enemy.
I know that everyone feels this way at times. But I am more the sort of person who becomes overwhelmed by it all. My standards for myself are far too high. The difference between who I am and who I expect myself to be has grown to an unacceptable distance. Hence, I have become overwhelmed with anxiety. Even now, as I write this, I am kicking myself for being this way. It is extremely difficult for me right now to just cut myself some slack, take a break and still be acceptable.
This question was posed to me today: If your son had no confidence in himself, or was feeling very insecure and unlovable, what would you tell him? I think I have my answer: I would tell him I loved him. I would tell him that he was loved, and that it would always be so, because he is my son. He has intrinsic value. He is accomplished, not because of his accomplishments, but because he lives and breathes and eats and sleeps as himself. I am proud when he does well, because I know he is not hurting himself, but I am just as proud when he is simply himself. He is uniquely him. I would tell him he does not need another, any other, to make him feel like a desirable and successful person, not even me. He would have my confidence and my trust, even if he doesn't have his own. I would use all of the faculties of my mind, I would shamelessly try to convince him and persuade him that he is "the beloved." I would want to fight his shame in full force. I would reason with him about his confidence and help him understand that, without comparison to anyone else, he is incredibly important on his own power. I would tell him to openly accept his faults as uniquely his with an attitude of full, unconditional compassion. I would warn him not to expect something from someone else that he cannot do for himself, because I know he can. In short, I would want to break through his doubt and skepticism about himself with my love and respect for him.
See, I could tell him all this, but I can barely imagine someone saying that to me. My parents never told me that, no one has. It is something others have learned in childhood that I must learn as an adult. I must learn how to accept love, accept myself, and have it be just that simple. I am the one whose standards I must live up to. I intend on lowering those immensely so I can lower my anxiety and raise my confidence. I guess I just want to balance my expectations to the point where I can say, "what I did was what I could do," and have that be okay.
The journey of self-discovery is laced with danger. At every new discovery, every new tendency, every simple mistake in behavior or fault of character, there is the temptation to take such knowledge and condemn ourselves with it. I was never taught how to fight that because my parents were ill-equipped to do so themselves. I know because I spoke with them about it. They passed it on to me and I have continued with it. I am now trying to end it. It is a slow, painful, anxiety-laced journey to accept and love myself.
It is funny how everything I do in life becomes a step to a closer relationship to God. Right now, I want to know God's thoughts about me. He is the source of confidence in myself. He is the source of my acceptance, of grace, of healing, of identity. He is my source of peace while I live. I need to know Him, trust Him, believe Him, and experience His love not just for me, but of me. He is my only confidant, my only consistent lover, because He sees my true value. I believe it is the highest of virtues to trust that God loves us, because frankly, it is our most fundamental need.
In the Lord of the Rings video game there is a dark magic spell you can use called "Whip of the Master." The effect of the spell is that your own character speeds up and strengthens their attacks. I cannot think of a better description of how I have been living recently. I have pushed myself far too hard and I have become overwhelmed with insecurity. I am more afraid of my own insecurities and character faults than any external enemy. I am more afraid of going to war than I am of being in a relationship that exposes me for who I am. At times, I would rather face a man who has full intention of killing me in hatred rather than dealing with my own criticism of myself. How do you fight such an enemy? What do you do with your own cruel criticism? You can't kill or stop self.
Thanks either to my parents, prior bad relationships, or other hurtful experiences, I do not know how to simply "be okay" with my own insecurities and flaws. Despite the fact that I know there is no such thing as a perfect person, I hold those expectations of myself naturally. I am constantly breaking my own rules and reacting to that with extreme criticism. I am my own worst enemy.
I know that everyone feels this way at times. But I am more the sort of person who becomes overwhelmed by it all. My standards for myself are far too high. The difference between who I am and who I expect myself to be has grown to an unacceptable distance. Hence, I have become overwhelmed with anxiety. Even now, as I write this, I am kicking myself for being this way. It is extremely difficult for me right now to just cut myself some slack, take a break and still be acceptable.
This question was posed to me today: If your son had no confidence in himself, or was feeling very insecure and unlovable, what would you tell him? I think I have my answer: I would tell him I loved him. I would tell him that he was loved, and that it would always be so, because he is my son. He has intrinsic value. He is accomplished, not because of his accomplishments, but because he lives and breathes and eats and sleeps as himself. I am proud when he does well, because I know he is not hurting himself, but I am just as proud when he is simply himself. He is uniquely him. I would tell him he does not need another, any other, to make him feel like a desirable and successful person, not even me. He would have my confidence and my trust, even if he doesn't have his own. I would use all of the faculties of my mind, I would shamelessly try to convince him and persuade him that he is "the beloved." I would want to fight his shame in full force. I would reason with him about his confidence and help him understand that, without comparison to anyone else, he is incredibly important on his own power. I would tell him to openly accept his faults as uniquely his with an attitude of full, unconditional compassion. I would warn him not to expect something from someone else that he cannot do for himself, because I know he can. In short, I would want to break through his doubt and skepticism about himself with my love and respect for him.
See, I could tell him all this, but I can barely imagine someone saying that to me. My parents never told me that, no one has. It is something others have learned in childhood that I must learn as an adult. I must learn how to accept love, accept myself, and have it be just that simple. I am the one whose standards I must live up to. I intend on lowering those immensely so I can lower my anxiety and raise my confidence. I guess I just want to balance my expectations to the point where I can say, "what I did was what I could do," and have that be okay.
The journey of self-discovery is laced with danger. At every new discovery, every new tendency, every simple mistake in behavior or fault of character, there is the temptation to take such knowledge and condemn ourselves with it. I was never taught how to fight that because my parents were ill-equipped to do so themselves. I know because I spoke with them about it. They passed it on to me and I have continued with it. I am now trying to end it. It is a slow, painful, anxiety-laced journey to accept and love myself.
It is funny how everything I do in life becomes a step to a closer relationship to God. Right now, I want to know God's thoughts about me. He is the source of confidence in myself. He is the source of my acceptance, of grace, of healing, of identity. He is my source of peace while I live. I need to know Him, trust Him, believe Him, and experience His love not just for me, but of me. He is my only confidant, my only consistent lover, because He sees my true value. I believe it is the highest of virtues to trust that God loves us, because frankly, it is our most fundamental need.
Monday, July 16, 2007
A Child's Single-Mindedness
It is moments like these that I have to laugh at myself. I do not laugh because I am not conducting serious business or because I am telling a joke. I laugh because I am somewhat like a child trying to do things that only adults are able to do. It is funny, much as is seeing a child trying on their parents' clothes, trying to eat much too large bites of food, or simply walking in shorter steps trying to keep up. I am growing up in a clumsy sort of way.
Perhaps the most serious of all struggles is the contest of being double-minded. When we are unsettled, undetermined, or even vacillating between two thoughts and different times, we become unstable, unfaithful, and untrue to ourselves. It is clear to me, and quite tragic also, that even the most intelligent among us, with their ability to logically hold many perspectives of the world, cannot attain wisdom because of their double-mindedness. The smartest man is not necessarily the wisest man. They broadly reach out ways in which to understand and live when they really should be reaching deep.
Truly, one of the wisest things ever said was that "everything under the sun is meaningless." The elimination of perspectives and beliefs not yet grounded in experience unites the heart. We cannot find comfort in the truth unless we have rejected mere beliefs. A dually-convinced mind is no mind at all. It is useless, like a mirror broken into a thousand pieces. Shallow, clever, or somewhat peer-pressured perspectives of things that do not resonate with my heart are like poison to me. I am not saying it is inherently bad to understand various arguments and opinions of the world, just as I would not say bleach or sulfuric acid is bad in and of themselves. Indeed, they are quite useful. But if I were to swallow bleach or sulfuric acid, to open my mouth and ingest them as a part of me, I would die from their effects. In the same way, I choose to understand but not believe, to listen but not agree, to want but not need those guesses about life that do not resonate with my heart as if they were solid gold truth.
In this way, I am more like a child than in any other situation. I reach my limits with patience in watching my parents and I want to try on my own. It is more beneficial to me to believe wholeheartedly and unmistakably in one thing than to believe shallowly and cleverly convince myself of some goodness in all things. I prefer to desire the desirable, this is why I am a Christian.
The idea that humanity is a playground (or battleground) for love to be given, received, shared, and that Love Himself exists is irresistible to me. Yes, I confess, I believe because I want to. I am a Christian, not because the sum of the facts about the world and history, but because I am drawn to it. I am pulled in, compelled by the deepest hope that gives me undeniable faith. I need to believe. My greatest needs introduced to the greatest Source creates the perfect magnetism. The message of God's love for me commits me to seeing it through, as if by my efforts I could will it to be. It is a sacred romance, an enchantment with truth. The gospel of redemption penetrates my heart so effortlessly one would think that I have never read any book on religion, philosophy, or enlightenment. Skepticism, double-mindedness, and the debates are left by the wayside as I celebrate the discovery of simply desiring Love, Goodness, and Truth.
I do not know by what means anyone else believes in God, Christianity, or whatever. But for me, I am quite like a child growing up in a world much too large for him, trying to pursue the most desirable thing. I am at my best when I enjoy the enjoyable, love the lovable, and play. It is all really quite silly, something I imagine more intelligent people than myself would call childish, ignorant, or foolish. I admit that I know very little, but at least I know one thing.
"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." -The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis
Perhaps the most serious of all struggles is the contest of being double-minded. When we are unsettled, undetermined, or even vacillating between two thoughts and different times, we become unstable, unfaithful, and untrue to ourselves. It is clear to me, and quite tragic also, that even the most intelligent among us, with their ability to logically hold many perspectives of the world, cannot attain wisdom because of their double-mindedness. The smartest man is not necessarily the wisest man. They broadly reach out ways in which to understand and live when they really should be reaching deep.
Truly, one of the wisest things ever said was that "everything under the sun is meaningless." The elimination of perspectives and beliefs not yet grounded in experience unites the heart. We cannot find comfort in the truth unless we have rejected mere beliefs. A dually-convinced mind is no mind at all. It is useless, like a mirror broken into a thousand pieces. Shallow, clever, or somewhat peer-pressured perspectives of things that do not resonate with my heart are like poison to me. I am not saying it is inherently bad to understand various arguments and opinions of the world, just as I would not say bleach or sulfuric acid is bad in and of themselves. Indeed, they are quite useful. But if I were to swallow bleach or sulfuric acid, to open my mouth and ingest them as a part of me, I would die from their effects. In the same way, I choose to understand but not believe, to listen but not agree, to want but not need those guesses about life that do not resonate with my heart as if they were solid gold truth.
In this way, I am more like a child than in any other situation. I reach my limits with patience in watching my parents and I want to try on my own. It is more beneficial to me to believe wholeheartedly and unmistakably in one thing than to believe shallowly and cleverly convince myself of some goodness in all things. I prefer to desire the desirable, this is why I am a Christian.
The idea that humanity is a playground (or battleground) for love to be given, received, shared, and that Love Himself exists is irresistible to me. Yes, I confess, I believe because I want to. I am a Christian, not because the sum of the facts about the world and history, but because I am drawn to it. I am pulled in, compelled by the deepest hope that gives me undeniable faith. I need to believe. My greatest needs introduced to the greatest Source creates the perfect magnetism. The message of God's love for me commits me to seeing it through, as if by my efforts I could will it to be. It is a sacred romance, an enchantment with truth. The gospel of redemption penetrates my heart so effortlessly one would think that I have never read any book on religion, philosophy, or enlightenment. Skepticism, double-mindedness, and the debates are left by the wayside as I celebrate the discovery of simply desiring Love, Goodness, and Truth.
I do not know by what means anyone else believes in God, Christianity, or whatever. But for me, I am quite like a child growing up in a world much too large for him, trying to pursue the most desirable thing. I am at my best when I enjoy the enjoyable, love the lovable, and play. It is all really quite silly, something I imagine more intelligent people than myself would call childish, ignorant, or foolish. I admit that I know very little, but at least I know one thing.
"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." -The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis
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